Today, I’m talking about something that might challenge the way you were raised and how you think about parenting: punishment. Specifically, why I don’t punish my kids and what I do instead.

I want to walk you through examples from my family as well as from a client I coached recently, who was struggling with punishment and unsure of how to approach her son having damaged something on the school bus (she was considering taking away his iPad).

If you’ve ever questioned punishments but have been unsure of what to do instead, I got you. In this post, I’ll explain the problem with punishments and what I do with my three boys instead (spoiler: this isn’t gentle parenting).

UP NEXT: Listen to the podcast, “I don’t punish my kids. Here’s why.”

1. All Kids Are Good Kids

I want to start with the mindset that I believe and encourage you to adopt—that all kids are good kids inside. This perspective separates their identity from their actions, which is both helpful for them and for you in your relationship with them.

One of the first things the mom I was coaching thought was, “Well, my son isn’t a destructive kid.” Underneath this thought is an idea that some kids are destructive.

Here’s the truth: No kid is “bad” or “destructive” at their core. All kids are good kids inside. Behavior (their actions) is not who they are inside. When we make kids “good” or “bad” based on what they do, there’s no room for mistakes or failures because then any time they mess up, they’ll believe that they’re a bad person. This creates shame and the belief that that’s who they are, which they then live into and make true. It’s all around not helpful.

If we label kids as “destructive” or “naughty,” we miss the real reason behind their behavior, too. Thoughts create feelings, and feelings drive all actions. So any act of destruction comes from an inability to manage or process a feeling (like frustration, anger, etc.). The action—the behavior—is just the symptom of the real problem (more on this below). Because the action isn’t who they are, it’s a core foundational step to believe your kid is really a good kid on the inside, and this applies regardless of their actions. There’s no downside to this.

2. Punishment Creates Fear, Not Learning

Most of us punish our kids because it’s what we were taught. It’s ingrained in our culture, too. “You do something wrong, you get punished.” That’s just what parents do, right?

But punishment has three big problems:

  • It creates fear.
  • It doesn’t actually solve the problem.
  • It damages your relationship with your child.

I don’t want to be a mom who uses fear in my relationships to get what I want. Punishment is “if you don’t obey me, bad things happen to you.” This is just all-around shame-based parenting that incites fear to get what I want. I don’t want to teach my kids this is healthy in loving relationships.

If that doesn’t persuade you, this might—punishment doesn’t solve the real problem. The problem is lacking emotional skills. Punishing (like taking away an iPad) is just irrelevant to teaching the skill of emotion management.

Remember: Thoughts —> Feelings —> Actions

If the real reason any child takes an action is because of what they’re thinking and feeling, then it follows that the action is the symptom; the feelings (and the thoughts that created them) are the root cause of the problem.

Imagine you’re my client’s son. You’re being told you can’t have your iPad because you damaged something on the bus because you were frustrated. That doesn’t teach you what to do with your frustration in the future. It just teaches you that when things go wrong, your parent views you as “bad” and you need to have something you love taken away from you.

Finally, it goes without saying this is unhelpful and hurts the relationship. I think we forget that at the core of parenting is our relationship with our kids. When you continuously punish, your kids will detach from you and your relationship will suffer in both the short and long term.

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3. The Real Root Cause: Emotional Regulation Skills

If this child did break the curtain on purpose, the real question isn’t, “How do I punish him?” It’s, “What feeling led to this action?”

All actions come from emotions. If a kid damages something, it’s often because they were feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, or maybe just curious and impulsive.

Punishment does nothing to address that. What actually helps is teaching them better emotional regulation skills—helping them recognize and handle their feelings before they turn into actions they regret.

And let’s say it was just an accident. Then punishment makes even less sense.

If it was in response to a big, negative emotion (frustration, etc.), then the work (out of the moment) is to teach what actions are 1) acceptable and 2) unacceptable in response to negative emotions. These are skills you can teach your kids that will change their lives forever (because there’s no point at which they graduate from frustration).

  • Check out my free Tantrum Guide to help you navigate when your child is having a tantrum.

4. Curiosity Over Assumptions

One of the most powerful things you can do (and that my client did) was get curious instead of making assumptions.

She could have immediately jumped to:

  • “He’s being careless.”
  • “He’s lying to me about it.”
  • “He’s a bad kid.”

But instead, she thought, “That’s interesting….”

Curiosity keeps the conversation open. It lets you get more information before reacting. And that’s what led her to sit down and actually talk to her son instead of jumping straight to punishment.

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5. Punishment Pushes Kids To Hide Things from You

One thing I want to point out is that this mom expected her son to tell her everything. And while I love that she has that open relationship with him, it’s important to remember—kids don’t always tell us everything. And that’s okay.

If a child knows they’re going to get punished, they have more reason to hide things from you. Not because they’re bad kids. But because they don’t want to lose their connection with you.

So instead of assuming kids should always be 100% honest, expect that sometimes they won’t be. Not because they’re deceptive, but because they’re human. It makes sense psychologically. If you know your attachment bond is going to be jeopardized and you care more about that relationship, then you’re more likely to withhold information to protect that bond. Because of this, I often say to my kids, “you’re not in trouble, mommy just wants to know what happened so I can help you and everyone in this situation.”

6. Consequences Should Teach And Increase Connection

Just because I don’t believe in punishment doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences. The key is that consequences should be:

  • Logical (directly related to the situation)
  • Focused on repair (instead of shame)
  • Collaborative (something you work on with your child, not against them)

In this case, a productive consequence might be:

  • Having the child contribute to paying for the repair in a way that feels fair
  • Writing an apology letter to the bus driver
  • Talking about what to do differently next time

But the most important consequence of all? Teaching them how to handle emotions differently next time. That’s the real lesson that benefits him the most.

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7. Practicing Emotional Regulation Skills Out Of The Moment

This is where the magic happens. You can’t teach your kids how to manage big emotions when they’re in the middle of them. Instead, practice these skills during calm, everyday moments.

The goal is to normalize that all feelings are welcome, all actions are not. You can do this in a variety of ways, including…

  • Role-playing scenarios: Act out situations and talk through appropriate responses.
  • Teaching coping strategies: Deep breathing, counting to ten, or taking a break.
  • Modeling behavior: Show them how you handle your own frustrations.

The more you practice when emotions aren’t running high, the more likely they’ll remember what to do when things get tough.

8. Raise Expectations Of Yourself

Often times, we are trying to control our kids. This never works. Instead of having such high expectations of them related to emotional regulation, keep in mind they’re born with zero skills to manage their feelings! They have to learn them all.

While you lower your expectations for your kids, raise the expectations you have for yourself.

  1. Regulate yourself first. If you feel triggered, pause before reacting. Take a breath.
  2. Get curious. Instead of assuming, ask your child what happened. Listen with an open mind.
  3. Focus on emotional skills. Help your child learn how to handle frustration, disappointment, and impulse control.
  4. Repair instead of punish. If something needs to be made right, involve your child in the solution in a way that feels fair and empowering.

This is all within your control and focuses on the mom you want to be.

This way of thinking—this mindset—has truly changed my life. I’m unbothered by hard moments and tantrums and instead view challenging moments as an opportunity for me to practice my emotional tools in my tool belt. For example, instead of giving my kids a time out, I might excuse myself for a minute and call it a mommy time out so that I can calm down (and avoid yelling).

Once you realize there’s so much within your control, and these are just skills to learn, for both your kids and you, parenting becomes not only doable but also an inspiring growth journey for the whole family.

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A Final Note

I know that for a lot of us, letting go of punishment feels so counterintuitive. It’s what we were raised with. It feels like “the right thing to do.” But I promise you—when you shift from control and fear to connection and skill-building, you’ll see a massive difference in your relationship with your kids.

So if you take one thing away from today, let it be this: Your child is good. Their behavior is just communication. And when we approach parenting with curiosity instead of control, we create kids who feel safe, understood, and capable of handling life’s challenges.

UP NEXT: Listen to the podcast, “I don’t punish my kids. Here’s why.”