Whining And Complaining In Kids

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Hello, my beautiful friends. How you doing? I hope you’re doing well. Today we’re going to talk about whining and complaining in kids, because that sounds fun, right? A kid of course, this is a topic that we all sort of deal with, and yet it’s not a fun one. But I think by the end of this episode, you will have some real tools to help you navigate those moments where your kids are whining or complaining regardless of any age that they’re at. This podcast episode is in response to a message from a member of this community who sent me a DM on Instagram, and the DM reads the following.

Hi, I love listening to your podcast. It’s very helpful. I was wondering if you have any tips on how to handle a five-year-old boy who whines and complains a lot. Thanks for your time. So here is what I want to start off by saying. I can totally relate to this question. Navigating whining is something that I experience with my little ones, and I think that having tools and a complete mindset shift will change the way you show up, the way you parent, and it’s just really, really helpful. So I do all of this work in my own life. I do it with my clients, and I think that, from listening to this episode, you too will be able to feel more empowered and help your kids through their whining and complaining. So ultimately, the question here is really how do you handle your kids who are whining and complaining?

And the first thing you want to do is work on your mindset for that perspective change, because that’s going to change how you feel. So you don’t get into battles so you don’t make things worse so you don’t feel confused or overwhelmed or triggered. And then from there, from feeling confident, from feeling grounded, from feeling connected, from feeling unbothered, then you’ll be able to take much better actions. IE handle it without feeling, like you are kind of adding fuel to the fire. I want to say that I think without these tools, we look around and see other kids, our kids ages who aren’t whining, and we think, okay, they behave so much better. How do I get my kid to act like that? How do I get them to stop whining? And then the mindset underlying this is really, my kids are difficult. My kids shouldn’t be whining. How do I fix this?

And the truth is that whining isn’t something to solve or fix, and that all kids whine, even though you might, you know, think that your kids whine more, and maybe they do, but most likely it’s just that you’re with your kids all of the time. And so you experience it more. And so you have it magnified in your brain versus the random people out, that you see who you are not experiencing on a regular day-to-day basis. So I just want to normalize that whining and complaining from kids is a normal part of healthy child development. Nothing has gone wrong, and because of that, it’s really not something to solve or fix. It’s something to comfort them through and allow. So I think of whining more under the emotion category than I do under the action category because whining really is just the inability to kind of express your emotions or feel your feelings maturely.

It means that you’re sort of like expressing your emotions with a sound that’s like typically high pitched. And you know, let’s be honest, kind of annoying to everyone listening, but it is normal. And I want you to think about how you might whine. I whine sometimes I think we all kind of whine as adults, but we have the capacity to whine more quietly. So my whines are typically in my head. For example, we have a small local zoo near where I live, and if I plan a zoo outing and we go there and the parking lot is full, I have a little like moment of whining in my mind, Ugh, why is this happening? We wanted to go to the zoo today and now we can’t. Where are we going to go? And it’s, it’s sort of like a little, a little mom tantrum, right? I’m, I’m whining a little bit in my mind .

With kids, they don’t have the capacity to work through that challenge themselves, to just feel some disappointment in the moment, to feel a little frustration in the moment, to whine quietly in their minds. They express it out loud through that kind of, you know, annoying, high-pitched sound that we then have thoughts about. So the actual sound, the actual whining, whatever they’re saying doesn’t have any meaning. It’s not a problem at all. The way that you think about it, your thoughts about the whining, that is where you have all of your power. And when you work on your mindset and you get a different perspective, and this is work that you do out of the moment, not when it’s happening, then you free yourself from needing to have the right action, the right script or solution because you’ll feel so much more confident from your thoughts and you’ll take the best action for you and your family. So whining isn’t something to fix, it’s actually something for you to get comfortable with yourself and then learn how to comfort your child through.

So I like to say, it’s not my job to fix my child’s whining. It’s my job to comfort him through it. So for example, if my son is whining about not getting a treat, he’s got a sweet tooth like his mama I might say, I get it. It’s hard to not get what you want. Mommy doesn’t like when I can’t have treats either. I just validate his experience. I am not kind of going to battle with him. I am not trying to get him to stop whining. I’m just allowing it. I just focus on comforting him and validating his emotions and you know, not trying to fix those emotions or solve them, right? I want to sit with him in those emotions, not try to fix them. And because of this, it’s not that the whining ends necessarily more quickly, it’s just that I’m not in a hurry to get the whining to end so that it doesn’t feel so triggering or problematic.

My mindset is just, oh yeah, my child is whining. That’s totally normal. So whining doesn’t have to be your most favorite thing, but it also doesn’t have to be this big problem that you’re trying to solve. It can be something you experience with your child as they’re experiencing that feeling. Your mindset on your kids’ development with emotions matters a lot here. So if your mindset on emotions is that your kids should know how to process their feelings more maturely, then you are going to be waiting for the tantrums, the whining, the outbursts, the kind of, you know, whatever it is that they’re doing with respect to their actions, you’re going to be waiting for all of that to end much sooner than it actually will. It can take kids into young adulthood before they know how to control their emotions and process them fully. And this is why it’s so important to work on your mindset so that you are not triggered by the whining, by the tantrums, by the complaining.

You can just expect it from your kids. And I promise you, this is actually so freeing. At the same time, it is not taught to us that kids expressing their emotions is a normal part of child development, but that is the truth. So it does take skills and tools and support. If you’re not inside the Mom On Purpose Membership, I highly recommend that you get inside there so you can get these tools and accountability on an ongoing basis. Get all of your questions answered anytime day or night, 24/7. We have a written coaching forum. We also have weekly calls in there because you have to learn how to practice your mindset out of the moment and then practicing it in the moment and then kind of seeing what works for you and what doesn’t work for you. And then trying again. So it’s work worth doing, but it’s not like a one and done, okay, I just say this script and then I never have to deal with whining again.

You change your mindset so that you can show up as the supportive mom that you want to be. Again, we’re not trying to get to the place where, oh my gosh, I love whining. I’m so glad that you’re whining. But you can get to a place where you’re not triggered at all by it. It just takes practice. The goal here is to get to expressing feelings as a normal part of child development. It’s healthy and it’s not my job to fix. When you take this approach where you’re comforting your child and you’re feeling grounded and connected, you can ask them questions. You can say, what feels most natural and inspiring to you in that moment that you think your child needs with without trying to battle them? Right? It takes two to battle. You don’t want to go to battle with a whining child because then, as you already know, you’re kind of going to their level of maturity and it doesn’t work.

It’s not helpful. Alternatively, if you yell or you snap or you threaten them or you punish them, that’s using fear and you’re creating more problems in the relationship long term, you might get them to stop whining. But that, has a negative impact on the relationship long term. They haven’t actually learned anything about processing emotions through you yelling or threatening or punishing. They just learned that, okay, my mom here is telling me that, you know, it’s not okay for me to feel how I’m feeling and I better control that in this moment. Or else, you know, bad things happen to me, right? If I’m getting punished here, you just want to be really mindful of the approach that you’re taking. And that’s why I say it takes practice out of the moment. And so if you can practice, whining is a normal, healthy part of child development.

My child is learning how to express his feelings. Nothing has gone wrong. I like to think about other things in our environment, other sounds particularly that we don’t like, and how you could increase your capacity to experience those sounds without being bothered. So for example, when I used to live downtown Chicago in a high rise, I mean the noise in the city, the sirens, the kind of yelling, the honking, the all the things that you imagine about a city that is exactly what it’s like downtown Chicago. And you just got used to it. It was not a problem to solve ’cause you couldn’t solve it, not if you’re going to live downtown Chicago. So that’s how you can think about your child’s whining. It’s just a part of them being a part of your family, a part of raising kids, a part of, you know them, learning how to process feelings, and they’re just not at the stage yet in their own development of knowing how to process a feeling without whining.

So instead of trying to kind of, you know, fast forward their emotional maturity and try to have higher expectations of them to not whine, I flip it on myself and I say, okay, I can’t control them, but I can control myself. So I want to have higher expectations of myself so that I can increase my capacity to be around the whining. One of my coaches used to call it being the Buddha in the city, right? So if you think of the loud, noisy city that I was just referring to, can you increase your capacity to feel calm by the way that you change your thoughts, by your mindset? Your mindset creates your perspective and your feelings, and you can create calm in the busy city just like you can in your home with a whining five-year-old, 6-year-old, three-year-old, however old your kids are. It takes practice on your part.

I do want to touch on complaining as well as a little bit different. It kind of falls in the same category a lot of the time, and you can use the tools that I’ve already talked about with respect to whining. But complaining isn’t a noise. You can complain very calmly, although I don’t know a lot of young children who do this, but the complaining is words. It’s saying what you are dissatisfied about, and we do this as adults all the time, we complain. If you are noticing your child’s complaining a lot, notice that you are complaining about your child’s complaining. Do you see the mirroring that’s happening? So your child might be complaining about not getting to play soccer, and then you are complaining to maybe your spouse, your friends, whoever else you’re talking to about this, that your child is complaining. And so simply noticing the mirroring sometimes is enough to change the way that you think and feel about the complaining aside from mirroring, shifting into curiosity instead of judgment is really helpful. So right now there’s some negative judgment around your son’s complaints. You think he shouldn’t be complaining. It’s wrong to complain so much.

There’s something there that’s creating that frustration for you. Instead, if you shift into curiosity, get curious about your son’s complaining, get really fascinated by what’s going on in his mind, in his brain that’s creating, however he’s feeling and the complaint. Because ultimately you can’t control how your child views the world, but you can decide how you want to view your child.

And it can be as simple shift as, I love that I have created a home environment where my child feels so safe to be heard about whatever he’s unsatisfied with. That’s pretty amazing. And my child right now likes to focus on the negative and that’s okay, I get it. That’s what brains are wired to do. Brains are wired to focus on problems and what’s not working and what’s wrong. My brain does that too. Just like I’m focused on his complaining and all of it is okay, I love my son just the way he is. I don’t think he should be any different. When you have those kinds of thoughts about your child, from love, from connection, from curiosity, it frees you because then there’s nothing to solve.

I do want to touch on fairness here too. You didn’t mention this, but I do think it comes up a lot with respect to whining and complaining. So, you know, something isn’t fair. One kid is complaining that something isn’t fair. Maybe they see another kid with it and that could lead to whining maybe, or just the complaint itself. Fairness is a cue that your child is outwardly focused and it’s a cue for you to go inward to focus on their need. For example, if my son says it’s not fair that Henry got puffs in his snack cup and I didn’t, then I’m going to ask my son something like, what I hear you saying is that you also want puffs. Is that right? I don’t try to make everything fair. I don’t keep the attention outwardly focused, but instead I go inward and focus his attention back on his desire.

I mean, this is a great lesson for us as adults as well, right? When we are on, Instagram scrolling and seeing someone else having something that we want any sort of sign of it’s not fair or envy or something like that, is a cue for you to flip it on its head, turn it around and ask yourself what it is that you’re desiring. So for example, I remember coaching a client and she was kind of feeling envious of her friend posting about a trip that she had gone on a vacation. Let’s just say it was Hawaii. What I asked her was, did she want to go to Hawaii or was it something else? Was it the childcare? Was it the trip? Was it the time off work? Was it the self-care? Because anytime there’s like a, a nudge that something isn’t fair for us, that’s a cue, that there’s something that we desire.

And when we focus on our own desires instead of the comparison trap, it feels much more within our control and much more empowering. So circling back to your kids, if they are whining or complaining about something that isn’t fair, first of all, that’s okay. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to solve it or make it fair, but second of all, shifting their attention back to what they want is really helpful for them and their own mindset to see, oh, what I’m really noticing is that I actually want that snack too. And that’s just a tool that you can use anytime really that fairness comes up, whether it’s through whining or not. The last part of this that I want to kind of tie everything together with here is to just take a step back and notice if what you’re wanting is something that is kind of just like a unicorn that doesn’t exist.

So for example, it would be great if our kids knew how to process their feelings if they didn’t whine, if they didn’t complain, if they, just accepted exactly what we, gave them to eat and they write kind of colored cup and they accepted our boundaries and they thanked us. And at the end of the day, they were so appreciative of all that we do for them. This my friend, is not raising kids. This is not parenting, this is not reality. The unicorn doesn’t exist, nor when we say it like this, do we want it to exist? And yet I think we forget in the moment because it feels so challenging. And that’s why this work is so important because you have to step outside of the daily life, the day-to-day grind, the logistics of raising a family and navigating, you know, your career and motherhood and just all the things you have to step outside of it and say, okay, what perspective do I have on my kids?

What is my mindset? Is my mindset that they whine and complain too much? Right? And just noticing how unhelpful that is for you. And just a simple shift to something like, my kids are supposed to whine and complain. Nothing has gone wrong. I can support them and show up with love and hold boundaries. I can validate their feelings and be the boundary for them. I can respect them and love them. And that alone is going to change everything for you because then you’re not in get my child mode. Get my child mode is anytime you are focused on trying to get your child to do something that is outside of your control. So how do I get my child to stop whining? How do I get my child to stop complaining? It’s so disempowering. What you want to do is focus back on you. How do I want to think about my child who is in a whining phase right now?

And who likes to complain a lot? Well, I want to always give my child the benefit of the doubt. So for me personally, I’m going to be thinking something like my child is in a season where he’s learning to express his feelings through whining. Is that, you know, easy for me, not always, but I’m getting better at expecting it, at planning for it and not trying to solve for it. It is not something for me to solve. I am the perfect mom for him because I know that my capacity to comfort my child through his whining and complaining is continuously expanding every day. I am getting more connected and loving and supportive towards my child who is whining and complaining. In fact, I go into the days knowing he’s likely going to whine and complain, nothing has gone wrong. This is his journey. I’m going to be fascinated by it, support him through it, and be the mom who I want to be.

So do you see how that mindset is completely different and it really will free you from kind of the frustrations that come from a mindset that is rooted in my child is doing it wrong. My child shouldn’t be complaining, my child shouldn’t be whining. That kind of mindset just is neither true nor helpful. It’s not true because your child is complaining and whining. It’s not helpful because it focuses on what you can’t control trying to get your child to be different than they are. And then you go to battle with them and it’s more frustrating for you and it doesn’t decrease the whining or the complaining. So change your mindset. Come up with a narrative that serves you. So I love working on mindset and love coaching on mindset, and I’m just obsessed with this work. You can practice this out of the moment every morning thinking those thoughts that you want to think so that you show up as the mom that you genuinely want to be, be regardless of any noise in the city.

Regardless of any whining or complaining that comes up. Now, as I’ve said before, I’m not ever trying to turn you into a robot. Of course, you’re a human being with human emotions. And so if you’re like me, that witching hour between four 30 and, and eight, let’s say, that is the most challenging part of the day. And so that is when this mindset work is going to be even more important. And when you feel overwhelmed, when you feel annoyed, process the feelings instead of, you know, giving your kids a timeout, you give yourself a timeout just for a second. I love telling myself being slow is helpful or slowing down helps me. Just that little shift helps me calm my nervous system, not get triggered and allow space for my kids to feel, you know, and do whatever they’re feeling and doing. And it allows me to show up and hold boundaries to the extent that I need to.

So keep doing this work, my friend. As always, for all of you listening, if you haven’t yet, send me an email, send me a message. You can call in at eight three three three, ask Nat. That’s 8 3 3 3 2 7 5 6 2 8. You can sign up for the emails at momonpurpose.com/subscribe where you can reply to any of those emails. I love answering your questions. I want to answer more of them. My heart goes out to you. Trust me when I say I am far from perfect. And, it’s the only way that I I find motherhood to be, so rewarding is that I am able to grow through it to be the mom that I genuinely want to be for myself and for my kids. And with that, I’ll talk with you next week, my friends. Take care.

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