10 Mindset Shifts For Moms

Welcome to Mom On Purpose, where it’s all about helping moms overcome challenges and live their best lives. My hope is by being here, you are more inspired to become the mom you are made to be. I’m Natalie, your host, a wife, boy, mom, dog, mama, Chicagoan, and former lawyer turned professionally certified coach. If you’re here to grow, I can help. Let’s go.

Hello my beautiful friends. Welcome to today’s podcast on 10 mindset shifts for moms. I thought it would be really fun to talk about specific shifts that you can make with respect to your mindset. And I have 10 that have been really popular and well received and I thought it would be fun to share them with you. So that’s what we’re doing today. Before I dive into all of that good stuff, I want to remind you to call the podcast hotline with any challenge that you are facing.

Any question that you have, any goal you’d like me to help you work through? The number is 8 3 3 3 Ask Nat. That’s 8 3 3 3 2 7 5 6 2 8. I get so many questions via email and in dms and I think answering voicemails on the podcast is just such a powerful way to get a longer answer, but also to get these tools out to more women and moms who could really use this work. So if there is something on your heart or your mind that you would like me to coach you on and teach you through, just give the podcast hotline a call, leave a voicemail, it’s anonymous and if it’s a good fit for a broader audience, I will play it here on the podcast and do an entire episode on it. The next announcement that I want to share with you is I have a brand new mastermind. It’s an opportunity for you to transform your life, work really closely with me to get accountability and create real change and join my inner circle.

It’s sold out and closed right now. We sold it out at the end of last month. It started this month, but I am going to be opening it up at the end of this year, maybe the start of next year. So stay tuned for that. And if you are not on the wait list, if this is the first time you’re hearing about it, you can just go to momonpurpose.com and on that homepage there you will see a link to the mastermind and an opportunity for you to join the wait list. That is where I will send out all of the initial information. So you want to make sure that you are, on the wait list if this is something that you are interested in, I will just quickly mention that the way it works is I work with you on a specific transformation that you want to make over a six month period.

So that might be weight loss, that might be making more money. That might be your online business that might be overwhelm or you know, navigating a challenging relationship with an in-law or yelling at your kids or taking your life to the next level in your career. But the specificity of it is what makes it so transformative because you can immerse yourself in the space of getting that one transformation instead of kind of jumping all around and doing different topics all of the time. This is very different and collectively together in the mastermind, we all work together to have a sense of like higher level coaching and higher level kind of connection and community so that there’s this group think that I think it’s really hard to get anywhere else because everyone else in the mastermind is also doing this work at that higher level. So if you are interested, join the wait list over at momonpurpose.com. All you have to do is click on Mastermind and you will see the wait list more to come on that.

All right, now let’s jump in to 10 mindset shifts for moms. Starting with number one, the first thought that is unhelpful is I have too much on my plate right now. So if this is a mindset that your brain defaults to, there’s nothing wrong with you. In fact, there probably is a lot on your plate right now, but thoughts can be true and unhelpful. So if you’re focusing on this thought, it’s probably unhelpful unless you’re doing something about it. So what you can do is allow it to still be true. Don’t try to invalidate it, but just shift to thinking something else. And in this example, I think thinking something like I was made for this can really be helpful.

It takes you from feeling like you’re the victim of your life to feeling like you’re the hero of your life. So instead of, I have too much on my plate right now, you’re going to think I was made for this. Mindset shift number two, instead of thinking this season of life is just so hard. This one I hear a lot, this one I have experienced a lot. It’s not even that this thought is problematic in and of itself. It’s that there’s a sub thought like, and that’s a problem or, and it shouldn’t be or, and I can’t handle it. Those are the the secondary thoughts that are really problematic because they feel so defeating. So what I suggest is coming up with a different thought like this season is hard and I can do hard things or this is harder than I thought and that’s okay.

Or hard doesn’t mean bad. I can do hard. Basically you’re redefining hard and this for me, as I grow my family and my business and you know my life, I continue to use these tools just like I’m teaching you. It is not lost on me. That hard really is hard, but hard doesn’t mean bad. So I just remind myself, oh, this is actually a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. And that’s okay. Mindset shift number three, instead of thinking it’s not fair, my husband doesn’t help the way I need him to, which focuses on kinda your needs, but attributing them to not being met to your husband. And so it’s rooted in comparison and focusing on like what you can’t control. Of course you can make requests, I’m all for you making requests, but in this instance it’s kind of assuming you already have made requests and you’re just feeling like it’s not fair.

And anytime we are focused on fairness for ourselves and unfairness, it shows me that what’s happening in your brain is there’s some comparison. And so I like to help my clients just go inward and see what it is that they’re needing and focus on creating a way for you to get your needs met. And if it’s not through your husband, how else can that happen? In this specific example instead of it’s not fair, my husband doesn’t help out in the way I need him to. An alternate way of thinking about it is we each contribute to our household in different ways and that’s how it’s supposed to be. Okay, that’s one option. Another option might be, I have a desire to have more help at home and I am open to more possibilities to make that happen. Even that thought just shows you that there are other possibilities. Instead of shutting it down thinking that the only possibility is your spouse who isn’t doing it, ’cause then again it feels like you’re at the effect of him.

Mindset shift number four, instead of thinking the mornings are such a struggle to get everyone out the door. Try thinking, when my kids struggle, they’re learning life lessons and I can show up in a way that’s loving and supportive without mirroring their struggle. I love this shift because it focuses on accepting your kids’ behavior just as it is. Anytime we are trying to get our kids to be different than they are, we are in get my child mode and it’s just very disempowering because we can’t control our kids. So when you say the mornings are such a struggle to get everyone out the door, the implication there is, and that’s a problem and it shouldn’t be a struggle and my kids should be more cooperative and it should be easier and things should be different. Instead, what you can do is notice that sometimes your kids struggle in the morning and that’s okay.

They’re learning life lessons about accountability, about getting up in the morning, about getting dressed, about routines, about moving things along and having the day progress. These are life lessons and even if they’re struggling, you can still show up in a way that’s loving and supportive without mirroring their struggle. On default human beings mirror. If our child is struggling, then we feel struggle about their struggle. We struggle if they’re struggling, but you don’t have to mirror. That’s just the default. You can choose intentionally how you want to think. You’re not going to be happy, of course that they’re struggling, but you can choose to be loving and supportive and confident and sturdy without taking on their struggle Mindset. Shift number five, instead of thinking my sister-in-law shouldn’t have acted that way, it was really inconsiderate. Try thinking. I don’t understand why my sister-in-law acted that way, and that’s okay, I can still love her.

This shift is really powerful because it allows space for you to stay connected to your sister-in-law while still validating your very real experience that you didn’t really like what you know Sister-in-law did. But in the first way of thinking, when you think my sister-in-law shouldn’t have acted that way, it was really inconsiderate. You are suggesting that just because you would act a certain way that Sister-in-law should act that certain way. And what this does is it centers you, it makes you kind of the center of how all people should be and it’s just not reality. Everyone has their own thoughts, their own feelings, their own actions, their own agency, and realizing that can be really, really helpful. So you don’t even have to understand why your sister-in-law acted the way she did. It’s okay if it wasn’t the way that you acted and you can still love her. You can set up boundaries for you, but boundaries aren’t designed to control. You might say, oh, I just need a little bit of space from Sister-in-Law right now, but I still love her. And you can do that for you. That’s very different than you did this to me. So now I’m going to punish you with a boundary to try to get to control you. That’s manipulation that is not helpful for you or for your relationship.

All right, mindset shift number six, instead of thinking I never have any me time and it’s exhausting, try thinking. I define what me time is and I can enjoy alone time anywhere I want, even in the shower. I love this shift so much because when I think the thought, I never have any me time and it’s exhausting. I, I believe that I genuinely like repeating this thought out loud. I’m like, oh yeah, that’s true. I never have any me time. And it can feel exhausting. But just because a thought is true doesn’t mean it’s helpful to focus on. And what’s really interesting, particularly to me as I’m, you know, talking about this with you, is that when I think the alternate thought, I define what me time is and I can enjoy moments of alone time, even in the shower or in the car, I also genuinely believe that and I feel so much more empowered.

So thoughts can be true and unhelpful mindset work helps you shift into the most helpful and also true thought for you. Mindset shift number seven, instead of thinking, I can’t believe I did that, I know better my kids deserve better. Try thinking something like, I’m half a mess, half amazing. And that’s how it’s supposed to be. I’m the exact mom my kids are supposed to have. So think of an example where you make a mistake. Let’s say you yell at your kids. It can be very tempting to be harsh and critical and judgmental and want to punish yourself. Being really harsh with yourself sounds like I can’t believe I did that. I know better. My kids deserve better. And there’s this like harshness and criticism towards yourself. Your relationship with yourself gets worse when you talk to yourself like that. If you have more compassion for yourself and you realize that you are good inside, and because you’re a human being, it means that you will make mistakes. And that means your actions sometimes are going to be awesome, and other times they’re going to be messy and wrong. And that is the way of it.

Then you can repair, but you can repair, you can apologize, you can restore the connection and the disconnection that happened in the relationship in that moment. But doing that is only available to you if you take out the shame, if you are willing to see that you are a good person inside. And when your actions don’t align with that, it’s because of your humanness and your kids are supposed to have a human mom. I love reminding myself of that. If my kids were supposed to have a robot mom, they would, they’re supposed to have me as a mom. How do I know? Because I am their mom and I’m working on skills to better myself in those skills, not so that I think I’m finally good enough. I already know I am whole and worthy and complete. I work on myself because I care about improving my skills in a different area in all sorts of things. And so that makes it really fun. Mindset shift number eight, instead of thinking, I have so much mom guilt about taking time for myself, try thinking I’m a human being who requires rest and to be re-energized. When I do things for myself, I refuel myself. This is a good thing. It’s good for me as a human being and it makes me a better wife and mom. I love thinking about however many kids you have. So in this example, I’ll just say me since I’m pregnant with my third, let’s say I have three kids and I like to add on a fourth. So add on the, take the number of kids you have and add on one. So in my situation, I’m going to go with four and that extra one is me.

Imagine me buying new clothes for three of my kids, cooking them meals, making sure they are well taken care of and get all of their needs met. And I do that for all three of the kids, but for the fourth child, I don’t do any of that. I say, oh, you don’t need any new clothes. You can just have some snacks. You don’t really need a meal. I’m sure you’re fine. You can just stay up a little longer. You don’t need to rest or take a nap. That would be insane. We would never do that to one of our kids. And yet that’s what we do to ourselves. So think about that for yourself. Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your kids? Or do you make yourself less than?

And if so, again, not an invitation to beat yourself up, just decide intentionally that you’re going to stop doing that and you’re going to start taking better care of yourself. Mindset shift number nine, instead of thinking, I’m so anxious and this is a huge problem, try thinking, I’m a human being who’s feeling the emotion of anxiety. And that’s okay. When you vilify your emotions, when you resist them, when you think you shouldn’t be having them, you make them worse. They compound comparatively. When you befriend your emotions, when you allow them, you process them because you don’t make them part of your identity. It’s the difference between I am anxious and I’m feeling the emotion of anxiety.

There’s distance. When you say, I’m feeling the emotion of, or I’m feeling fill in the blank, you immediately recognize that it’s not part of who you are, but instead is just a normal part of the human experience to feel an emotion. And this is really important because then you can take better action and you can process your feelings and then the emotion doesn’t become part of your identity. The final mindset shift number 10, instead of thinking I try so hard and I’m at my limit, I feel like I’m failing as a mom, I try thinking, making mistakes is part of being a mom. I’m trying my best and can always do it different next time. One thing I want to mention with this mindset shift is that it only will work to the extent that you are evaluating yourself based on things you can control. So when most of my clients come to me inside the Mom On Purpose membership, they feel like they are failing as a mom in some area.

And typically the way they are evaluating success and failure is based on something outside their control. For example, their kids’ happiness or their kids’ performance, their success, their grades, their activities, whatever it is. And that’s problematic because it’s outside of your control. It implies that you have control over your kids’ agency. It really centers you in their lives and takes away their human experience. And it’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to your child. And I know I’ve talked about this before on previous podcasts and inside the Mom On Purpose membership and the intentional parenting class that I just taught, it’s brand new. You get different standards for how to evaluate how you’re doing as a mom that are based on things you can control. And then what happens when you do that is you can more accurately and more intentionally evaluate, okay, am I doing certain things really well?

What are those things and where do I need work? Where can I improve? And so instead of beating yourself up thinking you’re failing as a mom and basing it on things you can’t control, like how happy your kids are or you know whether or not they have struggles or whether they are excelling in school, all things outside your control, you can define your success based on things you can control, feel so much better about how you’re doing as a mom. And then when your child is having a challenge, you can help them navigate it from a place of confidence and love and strength instead of from a place of worry and anxiety and guilt. So that’s why in this last mindset shift, it’s really important that you’re already doing that because when you shift from, I’m trying so hard and I’m at my limit, I feel like I’m failing as a mom to thinking, making mistakes is part of being a mom.

I’m trying my best and I can do it differently next time. The latter part of the new thought only works if you focus on things you can control when you say I’m trying my best and I can do it differently next time. That means you try a different approach for you and you don’t base your success based on whether your child did it or not. It’s like the difference between teaching and learning. You want to base your success based on did I teach it? Well, not did they learn it. So let’s take like a really, you know, easy example. Let’s say you’re teaching your kids how to cut food with a, you know, fork and knife. And if you teach them and you continue to teach them and you know that you’re teaching them well, you can feel really good about how you’re showing up. They may still struggle with how to cut their food. They probably will. It will take some time for them to really have that new way of being that new habit set in.

And reminding yourself that your goodness isn’t attached to their behavior is so important so that it doesn’t lead to weird kind of relationship between the two of you, between your kids and you. Because it will, if you put that on them, right, they will sense like, oh, in order for my mom to be happy, in order for her to really express her love the most, I need to do a good job. And the problem with that is that we are all human beings who experience trials and challenges and, negative emotion. And your kids will think they need to hide that from you or think they’re bad when they feel frustrated or anxious or get a bad grade. And that creates a lot more insecurity. And it really prevents kids from being able to feel securely attached without people pleasing, and it prevents them from wanting to be authentic around you. So, it’s just a mini lesson inside that mindset shift here. But if you are basing your own success as a mom based on standards that you can control, then I really love the thought. I’m trying my best, and I can always do it differently next time. I can always try again.

All right, my friends, I love, love, love a good mindset shift, a good mindset, swap, take whichever ones work and resonate with you. Refer back to them. Notice your own thinking. Pay attention to your own thinking the way that you think is always creating your results. And it’s not that you want to always think positively. That would be toxic positivity, like ignoring your real experience, ignoring your emotions. But I’d like to think about it in terms of responding versus reacting. So you’ll have a circumstance happen in your life and your brain will react on default with that default thought. That’s what you want to question. And by questioning it, you can more intentionally and thoughtfully decide how you want to think. You can respond instead of react by kinda nurturing this skill, strengthening this skill, getting better at it. You will change your life because you’ll realize that a lot of those default reactive thoughts are rooted in fear, are rooted in scarcity, are rooted in disconnection.

And it’s because of the way the primitive brain is wired for survival. And nine times out of 10, in our modern world, we are not, actually having our survival threatened, right? There’s not someone chasing us. There’s not a bear coming you know, our kids are screaming in the living room . So your brain doesn’t really know the difference between that and making sure that you have tools to calm down your nervous system to notice what your reactive thought is, and then change that because you want to. And again, it’s not that you’re going to necessarily change it to a positive thought, you’re just going to change it to a more intentional thought. The difference between reacting and responding. I also like to say that I heard someone else say it’s kinda a famous saying, talk to yourself more than you listen to yourself. The listening to yourself comes from that reactive, primitive brain that first thought, talking back to it is how you respond. So you always have a choice with respect to how you think. Take that as an opportunity for you to empower yourself and really live a life that you believe is happening for you. I’ll talk with you next week, my friend. Take care.

Thank you for being here and listening. Now, head on over to momonpurpose.com/coaching to learn more about the Mom On Purpose membership, where we take all of this work to the next level.