Tantrums And Intense Meltdowns: My Tips And Experience

Welcome to Mom On Purpose, where it’s all about helping moms overcome challenges and live their best lives. My hope is by being here, you are more inspired to become the mom you are made to be. I’m Natalie, your host, a wife, boy, mom, dog, mama, Chicagoan, and former lawyer turned professionally certified coach. If you’re here to grow, I can help. Let’s go.

Hello, my beautiful friends. I’m so happy to be here with you today. I am answering a question that came in to the podcast hotline from a caller about her 4-year-old having tantrums and intense meltdowns, and I want to share my mindset tips with you as well as my personal experience. And I love the way that this question was asked. It was asked so beautifully because she’s already applying some of the tools that I teach and she’s having some follow-up questions. And so I thought this would be a really excellent podcast that I think will be really helpful, particularly if you are in the phase of parenting littles who are having tantrums and meltdowns.

And even if you’re not, I think understanding this could be really powerful because, as you already know, , the tantrums and meltdowns don’t really stop. They just sort of change their flavor. As kids get older and even into adulthood, we might call, at least I call myself having a little mom tantrums sometimes from time to time. So I am going to be talking about, how to navigate tantrums and meltdowns with my experience as well as my professional, tips and expertise. As a reminder, you can leave me a message on the podcast hotline at 8 3 3 3, ask Nat. That’s 8 3 3 3 2 7 5 6 2 8. And here is this caller’s message.

Hi Natalie. My name’s Ashley and I love your podcast. I’ve got get so much from your sharing and the mindset work and I’ve applied it to my own life. I have a question around my 4-year-old daughter. I have two, 4-year-old and a 1-year-old, and we’ve talked about like feeling their feelings and allowing them to feel their feelings and my parenting style. I am learning to be intentional about it. It’d be different than the way that I was raised. So the question is, when my daughter gets frustrated or angry, I watch it escalate. And is there a point you said don’t fix it. You said just to be with a minute, don’t try to offer solutions. Just I see you’re frustrated helping her name it like this makes you really angry. I’m sorry you’re upset about this. You know, I feel that way sometimes too.

Okay, all that. But she just gets stuck. She gets stuck in it. She can’t get to her prefrontal cortex. And then it makes like being frustrated to a full out, just like heaving really, really upset where if I, I distracted her or tried to move her, you know, offered some solution or intervened some way to try to help give her some tools, it would pull her out of just that spiraling down to becoming more upset. So I don’t know what’s the right thing to do or how to, how to help or, I’m just wondering if you could speak to that. Like is there kind of a timeframe for her to be upset or to let her feel her feelings or does letting her feel her feelings mean no time limit and just it just gets kind of bad, just gets really hard and, and she just turns into a big fit in tantrum and I just sit there and watch it. I don’t know. That doesn’t feel right. But really enjoy your podcast and I’ll keep listening and, looking forward to hearing what you have to say. Thank you.

All right, let’s dive in. So Ashley is referring to one of the tools that I teach. If you’re not familiar with respect to feelings that applies to anyone of all ages, sit, don’t solve. You want to sit with the feelings, not try to solve them. And as Ashley so beautifully alluded to, this is different than how most of us were raised. We were kind of raised to feel good and be happy. And a lot of the times, including in my own upbringing, if I was feeling sad, I would be offered something to make me feel better. Like some ice cream or just a different activity. And the message that we send with that is that negative emotions are bad and need to be solved. So sit don’t solve is kind of my shorthand way of describing how you want to be with someone when they’re experiencing their negative emotions. And that feelings are for feeling, they’re not for fixing.

What I think though I can help big time with here is that sit doesn’t literally mean stop your day and watch your child process their feelings. So the options are not either you ignore, distract, offer ice cream, offer an activity, try to make the child feel better, or you just sit there and stare at her in this case waiting for her to calm down, trying to help her. Because the way that that question is asked, it implies that those are kind of the two main options. And I think that’s just a little bit of all or nothing thinking that you want to notice. There are always more options and I’m going to give you lots of them in this, podcast that I think will be really, really helpful. So let’s just take a step back and think about what message do you think it sends by sitting there kind of staring, waiting for someone to process their feelings, even if you’re saying, you know, thoughtful, kind phrases, mantras, words to normalize the feelings, if you just kind of step back and think about, okay, if someone was sitting in front of me while I’m upset and they’re just kind of waiting for me to not be upset anymore, it sounds like the message would be the point is to feel better.

That feelings are a really big deal, that this is a really big event, that we gotta stop everything and wait to have those emotions passed to feel better. And it’s almost the message that this is a little bit unnatural and that something is wrong. So my hunch here is that that’s what’s happening and it’s putting pressure on your daughter, which leads to the feelings being worse and more exaggerated. She’s picking up on the message that your yes, saying the feelings are okay, but the message received is that you want her to feel better and you’re trying to help her do that. And by helping, you’re sort of sitting and waiting and watching. And I love that you use the word stuck because it does sound like you’re both a little bit stuck here. Now I’m all for you staying with her when she’s having meltdowns.

I am actually like a pretty firm believer in this not to leave your kids even if they say they want to be alone, because it does send the message that you are avoiding their negative emotions and that your love is somewhat conditional on them feeling good and that you’ll come back around when they are feeling better. And we don’t want to send that message either. But that again, that all or nothing thinking, it doesn’t mean that you just sit there and stare at them waiting for them to finish feeling upset because I’m not surprised at all that that just kind of makes things worse for her. Like the feelings become more exaggerated. And I do want to just say, I’ve done this before and have the, have had the exact same experience. So I do get it personally. And I think you’re just so wise for noticing that something doesn’t feel quite right about that either.

And so what can be much more helpful is shifting the way you’re thinking about sitting with her instead of literally just sitting kind of like staring at her and you know, the rest of that being waiting for her to feel better. It’s sitting means just being with her, allowing the feelings and having the mindset that this is just a normal part of the day, sending the message to her that having negative emotions is a normal part of the day. So if she’s feeling frustrated or angry, you’re with her, you’re normalizing that you’re not making it a big deal and you’re also not trying to fix it or solve it, but you’re also not waiting. And that’s the part that I think is missing here, and I think this is going to be just a game changer for you. So let’s use an example from, my life.

Let’s say that, my oldest son is getting up from a nap and he is feeling upset, right? Anytime there’s a transition, we all know that even as adults transitions are hard, they’re definitely hard for kids. And so, it’s not uncommon for one of my kids to have like a little bit of a tantrum or meltdown or just kinda be upset in that transition. So I will still get my son out of his room, pick him up, take him downstairs with me and allow him space to be upset. Now, I don’t mean physical space where I’m just saying, okay, you sit here on the couch where while I go in the kitchen, I mean space as an emotional space. So I’m there with him and I’m allowing him to feel how he’s feeling. I’m not trying to offer him tools or solutions to “move things along” because again, that sends the message that it’s better to feel better.

And I want to send the message that negative emotions are just a normal part of your day and they don’t have to take up the whole day that you can just process them and allow them to move through you just like positive emotions. So when I’m there with him, I’m telling him what I’m seeing kind of already what you were doing, Ashley, which is great, but also I’m keeping things moving along. So I might say something like, I hear you, I know you want to watch a show and what we’re going to do right now is we’re going to get a snack and go into the playroom and you know, build blocks or something like that. And then I’m bringing him along with me as we’re doing those things and I’m still validating his feelings. Like, I hear you, you’re upset, you don’t want to do this, whatever it is, I’m just not making a big deal out of it.

So if you just kind of visualize, like sitting there staring, saying these things, the message could easily be sent that what’s really happening is that there’s some discomfort with these feelings that you are having as the mom. And you would prefer if your daughter moved through them and felt better, which of course does the opposite makes it worse. Instead of, oh yeah, this just isn’t a big deal. And so if you are kind of thinking and having the mindset that this is just a normal part of the day, this is just a normal part of being a kid, of being a human, and you’re not waiting to move the day along, but you’re also not trying to fix the emotions. So there’s a big difference and it’s subtle, but it’s really important. There’s a big difference in continuing to move the day along while holding space for the emotions versus offering maybe the exact same action, but in an effort to fix the feelings.

So if your daughter was upset and you said, okay, okay, I don’t want you to be upset, let’s play blocks, and you’re sort of, trying to get her to feel better and offering all of these different things, that is what we want to stay away from because it’s sending the message that negative emotions are a problem to be solved. Conversely though, you can still offer blocks and say, oh, I wanted to play blocks with you. I’m getting all the things out that we normally do for our activity after nap time, or whatever it is. And you are still validating her feelings, allowing her space to feel upset, like, I hear you, you wanted to watch a show or whatever.She’s saying you are allowing space for that and you’re just keeping things moving along like, Hey, I made you your favorite snack, in case you want that as well.

I get it, you’re upset and you’re just kind of, moving the day along and also holding space for her to feel however she wants to feel. You’re not waiting, you’re not making it a big deal. You’re not making it this big event thinking that she needs to stop. And I, I think the reason that this can be so hard or challenging is because of our own lack of familiarity with emotions and our own discomfort with negative feelings. And also I think it can be challenging because we like to do things. We like to actively teach and help and that’s all wonderful, but I think in this case it’s less about doing and more about being. So when you think about sit don’t solve, I really want you to think about is just being there, being with them and reminding yourself it’s not your job to process her feelings. It’s her job. So you really don’t have to teach her anything. You don’t have to wait for her. But again, you’re not leaving her. All you have to do is be there for her, allowing space for her to feel how she wants while at the same time still moving things along.

Notice your mindset when she is upset. Are you trying to wait for her to feel better? Or are you just thinking all feelings are welcome, they’re a normal part of life and a normal part of our day. Nothing has gone wrong. Do you see how it’s, a little bit lighter and a little bit more accepting and the day can still continue and you’re a little bit less bothered when you take this approach? Hopefully you see that. I think that, again, if you just think about kind of the old school way of, of dealing with kids’ feelings and literally it was dealing with them was to fix them. That was making it a big deal, right? Oh no, you’re sad. Oh no, you know, you’re angry, you’re upset, you’re frustrated. Okay, what is, what is it that you want or telling them they need to feel better or they need to, you know, go to a calm down corner or something like that where the feelings are not accepted and allowed, that’s making a big deal out of them. And then also making a big deal out of them is turning it into like an event where we’re going to just sit down and process our feelings. And then, some people even offer like calming tools and, and trying to teach, taking deep breaths and it’s coming from a really good place, I think. But I think the impact of it is sending the message that the whole point is to feel better as quickly as possible.

So it’s less about you like doing work to help them and more about you holding space for them to feel however they want to feel. I’ve said holding space several times here in this episode and I just want to touch on that because it is a little bit of coach speak. So when I was trained as a coach, they taught us how to hold space. And this is also a tool that many kind of professionals, are trained in. And all it means is that you are allowing someone to express the feelings that they want to feel nonjudgmentally. So you are not judging the feelings. So with all of my clients inside the membership, I’m always holding space. I don’t have opinions on their thoughts and their feelings. I can help them figure out what they’re thinking and show them the story that’s creating those feelings, but I don’t have an agenda with respect to what’s right or wrong or good or bad for them.

My role as a coach is to help them see what’s going on internally for them so that they can show up as the woman, the wife, and the mom that they want to be. And so the way that you do that for your kid is you just kinda imagine yourself as a coach or a therapist or some professional who doesn’t have an agenda, isn’t kind of trying to get you to feel better, is just being there with you, allowing you to feel how you want to feel. And if you really trust that it’s your kids’ job to process their feelings and it’s your job to just be with them in their feelings, then I think that gives you so much more, confidence with respect to navigating these moments. And I think it will feel a lot better for you. You said, you know, just sitting there and watching it doesn’t really feel right and I love that you, notice that and, and came to the podcast and asked a question about it because you’re spot on, right?

Your intuition was telling you like, something doesn’t feel right about this and it’s because I think you’re just making it a bigger deal. Like thinking you’re supposed to, sit there with her and stare at her and watch her process these feelings, which in turn is sending her the message that these feelings better hurry up more quickly. So, we can get on with our day. And that puts a lot of pressure on her. And of course what you’re seeing is that they’re presenting much more exaggerated and she kind of spirals after that. But I just want to emphasize that I don’t think the best alternative is to intervene, distract, offer a solution, even the way that that’s phrased, right? Offering a solution implies that the feelings are to be solved. So sit don’t solve is still kind of the overarching tool I like to use here just ’cause it’s short and sweet and just easy to remember. But sit really means to just be with sit doesn’t mean to stop your day and try to help or teach or get your child to process their feelings. Sit means you are normalizing their experience. You’re with them in their emotions, not trying to fix them, and you keep the day moving along.

So you know, if you are getting her ready for dance class or something like that, you just continue to get ready, get her ready for dance class while still validating, but you’re like, I know, I hear you, you’re feeling frustrated about it and this is the part where we’re going to dance class. Do you see how that’s different? Hopefully you do. I think this is really, helpful for so many because I can relate to having tried it your way initially and realized quickly, oh yeah, I had more work to do on this and through my own work and then coaching so many clients on this, I have been able to see a much different result really for myself, right? Because that’s how we’re measuring whether something is working because all kids are different and kids go through different phases of meltdowns in their years of growing up.

And also they have different temperaments. So some kids naturally just a little more chill, some kids a little more sensitive, some kids, highly emotional and none of that is right or wrong. And there are lots of different tools and resources out there that I am largely a fan of if you find them to be effective. But what I want to really emphasize is that the work here is you doing on yourself with respect to your mindset and your perspective so that you can show up as the mom that you want to be. And I’ve seen a huge impact in my own life and in my clients’ lives from doing it in this way. And typically it does result in the kids having a better experience of it as well. But again, not basing your success on whether and to what extent they feel better and, uh, at the speed at which they feel better.

So the goal is not to get them to feel better as quickly as possible. The goal is for you to show up as a loving, warm-hearted mom who can hold boundaries and hold space for your kids’ feelings. And that’s all done with you being there and normalizing their feelings and moving things along. I think this will be a complete game changer for you. And for those of you listening with kids who are in the thick of tantrums and meltdowns as a, if any of you apply this and see a difference or just want to share your experience with me, I want to encourage you to send me a DM on Instagram over at mom.onpurpose, or you can email me at the [email protected]. I love to hear how these tools from the podcast are impacting your life and just, be able to connect with you in that way. Have a great rest of your week and I’ll talk with you next week. Take care.

Thank you for being here and listening. Now, head on over to momonpurpose.com/coaching to learn more about the Mom On Purpose Membership, where we take all of this work to the next level.