Have you ever said something to your kids and immediately regretted it? Maybe it was something your parents used to say to you, and you swore you’d never repeat it—but there it was, slipping out before you even had a chance to stop it.

The words we use with our kids matter. They shape how our children see themselves, how they process emotions, and how they learn to navigate the world. Some of the most common parenting phrases—ones we’ve heard for generations—can actually create shame, anxiety, or disconnection.

These small tweaks can make a world of difference.

UP NEXT: Listen to the podcast 10 Things I Don’t Say To My Kids

Phrases Not To Say To Your Kids

I know, because I used to say some of these, too. But once I started shifting my language, I saw a huge difference in how my kids responded. So today, I want to share 10 phrases I don’t say to my kids anymore—and what I say instead.

1. “You’re in trouble.”

“You’re in trouble” creates fear and defensiveness. It makes kids worry more about punishment than actually learning from their mistakes.

Instead, try saying, “I’d like to talk about what happened.” This keeps the door open for problem-solving and self-reflection.

💡 Example: Instead of saying, “you’re in trouble” when your child pushes their sibling, calmly sit down and say, “I’d like to talk about what happened. What were you feeling when you did that?” This helps them process their actions instead of just fearing consequences.

2. “You know better.”

Kids don’t always act based on what they “know.” Their brains are still developing impulse control, and this phrase can come across as shaming.

Heck, I don’t act based on what I “know” either. I know not to scroll my phone at night, yet I still do it. So, this phrase just is plain ineffective.

Instead, say, “I think what you meant to say was…” This gives them the benefit of the doubt while guiding them toward better choices.

💡 Example: Your child says, “I don’t want to play with my brother because I don’t like him!” Instead of saying “You know better than to say that!” you say, “I think what you meant to say is I need some alone time right now.”

3. “Because I said so.”

Kids learn best when they understand why a rule exists. “Because I said so” shuts down curiosity instead of encouraging understanding.

Instead, offering a reason like “Here’s why this is important…” helps them develop their own sense of responsibility.

💡 Example: Instead of demanding “Go to bed because I said so!” try “Your body and brain need rest so you have energy for tomorrow. That’s why bedtime is important.”

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4. “Stop crying—it’s not a big deal.”

Minimizing a child’s emotions teaches them to suppress their feelings instead of processing them.

Instead, acknowledging their emotions with “I see that you’re upset. Want to tell me about it?” creates safety and connection.

💡 Example: Your child is crying over a broken crayon. Instead of saying “It’s just a crayon, stop crying,” say “I see that you’re upset. That crayon was your favorite color, huh? Want to talk about it?”

5. “You’re being dramatic.”

Calling a child dramatic makes them feel dismissed. It’s judgmental. Their emotions feel real to them, even if they seem small to us.

Instead, say, “I can tell this feels really big to you. I’m here.” This helps them feel understood.

💡 Example: Your child is melting down because their favorite shirt is in the laundry. Instead of rolling your eyes and saying “You’re being dramatic,” try “I know you really wanted to wear that today. That’s frustrating. I’m sorry.”

6. “Why can’t you be more like [sibling/friend]?”

Comparing kids damages their self-esteem and makes them feel like they’re not enough.

Instead, focus on their strengths with “I love the way you…” — this builds their confidence.

💡 Example: Instead of “Why can’t you be more like your sister? She cleans up without being asked,” say “I love how creative you are when you play. Let’s work on cleaning up together so we can keep this space nice.”

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7. “You always/never do [X].”

Words like “always” and “never” make kids feel stuck in a negative pattern, rather than capable of change.

Instead, say, “I’ve noticed this happens a lot—let’s figure out what’s going on.” This opens the door for problem-solving.

💡 Example: Instead of “You never listen to me,” say “I’ve noticed it’s been hard to listen lately. What’s going on?”

8. “I just want you to be happy.”

“I just want you to be happy” can unintentionally make kids feel like negative emotions are bad or something to avoid.

Instead be there with them in their feelings. Validate their feelings. Say, “I get it. You’re feeling frustrated.” This teaches them that it’s okay to feel sad, frustrated, or disappointed.

💡 Example: Instead of “I just want you to be happy” when your child is sad about a lost game, say “It’s okay to feel disappointed. I’m here if you want to talk about it.”

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9. “That was bad.”

Labeling a child as “bad” makes them feel like they are the problem, rather than focusing on their behavior. This is shame-based parenting.

Instead, say, “That choice isn’t acceptable in our family. Let’s talk about it. What can we do differently next time?” encourages accountability without shame.

💡 Example: Instead of “You were so bad at the store today,” say, “Running in the store wasn’t safe. Next time, let’s practice walking beside me.”

10. “I’m so disappointed in you.”

“I’m disappointed in you” feels like conditional love. Kids need to know that mistakes don’t define them.

Instead, say, “I know you’re capable of making a better choice.” This keeps the focus on learning and growth.

💡 Example: Instead of “I’m so disappointed in you for lying,” say “Honesty is really important in our family. I know you’re capable of telling the truth, so let’s talk about what happened.”

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A Final Note

The way we speak to our kids becomes their inner voice. And when we shift from shame-based language to connection-based language, we help them build confidence, resilience, and emotional intelligence.

Which one of these phrases are you going to try changing this week? Come on over to Instagram @ mom.onpurpose and send me a DM—I’d love to hear from you!

UP NEXT: Listen to the podcast 10 Things I Don’t Say To My Kids