10 Things I Don’t Say To My Kids

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Hello my beautiful friends. Welcome to today’s podcast on 10 Things I Don’t Say To My Kids. I thought this would be a really fun and different episode. I’m often asked for parenting advice if you don’t know, I was certified as a coach and have done several coach training subsequently to acquire and become really practiced and skilled as a coach. And I like to say that if you do the work on yourself, then being a mom and parenting takes care of itself.

Like so much of it is just reparenting and the inner work. And so I say that ahead of this episode because I want you to know where I’m coming from. I also study at length parenting. I love it. I love the psychology behind it. It’s just fascinating to me. And obviously I am a mom of three beautiful boys. So, that’s where I’m coming from and hopefully you can take something from this for your own parenting journey. The first phrase that I do not say to my kids is, “you’re in trouble”. You’re in trouble triggers fear and defensiveness. And I think of it as kind of coming from like shame-based parenting. Like the purpose of it isn’t helpful. It’s not to hold a boundary, it’s not to validate feelings, it’s to create fear, or maybe defensiveness. It just doesn’t do anything that I am about, as a mom.

And I think that why this phrase is even a phrase is just because of the generational patterns of parenting. Like the only reason that this is even one that I’m saying I don’t say is because it was so common for me to be told that or for me to, you know, hear that from other parents. It’s just a common phrase I think in parenting. And so many of our parenting tools on default without doing any trainings or without reading books or taking courses are going to be from the patterns from our parents. So instead of saying, “you’re in trouble”, I might say something like, “let’s talk about what happened” or “I can’t let you do that”. So for example, my boys like to throw things. If they throw things that they know they’re not supposed to throw, like let’s say it’s food or something like that, I don’t jump in and say “you are in trouble”.

I might say “I won’t let you throw the food” and block the food and take away the food That’s getting into the boundary work. So I don’t want to go into a whole parenting class on holding boundaries right here, but just know that the phrase “you are in trouble”, I don’t find to be helpful. I find that it triggers fear in the child or defensiveness and that’s not what I’m about as a mom. I don’t want my kids to fear me. I want to be able to hold boundaries. So instead I’m going to say something that empowers me, like “let’s talk about what happened” or “I won’t let you throw spaghetti around the kitchen” or whatever. It’s the second phrase is, “you know, better.” I think this comes up a lot, at least it does with my clients who I’m coaching because they know their kids do know better.

And it’s true, it’s a true thought when you think your kids know better, they most likely do. You’ve probably told them a hundred times. But here’s what I want you to think about. There are so many things that you do that you don’t think you should be doing and you “know better”. So for example, I know better than to scroll on my phone at night and yet I still do it. So I just find that the phrase isn’t helpful and again, I think said in a harsh tone, does shame our kids. And I am a proponent of shame-free parenting. I don’t want my kids to think that they are bad kids or that they’re doing something, horrible or wrong to make them think that they are also horrible or wrong. And I think that when we say you know better, it is kind of in that camp of shame-based parenting.

And again, I just, I don’t think that phrase is effective. It’s not like if someone said to me, “you know better than to scroll on your phone at night”, that I would think, oh my gosh, you’re so right. I never thought of that. Let me put my phone away. Right? So just think of that for yourself. There’s so many things where we actually know better, but because of the primitive brain and, and you know, just living life on default, we often do things that we know better and know we shouldn’t and yet we’re doing them. And so instead a more helpful phrase is, “I think what you mean to say is”, for example, let’s say that your teenager makes a really rude comment to you and says something like “you are a terrible cook”. You might say something like, I” think what you mean to say is you don’t like this pasta”.

And what you’re doing there is, number one, you’re not taking it personally because whatever someone says to you is about their thoughts and their feelings. It’s not at you even if it seems like it’s at you. Right behind every action is a thought and feeling driving it. So if they’re saying something rude, they’ve got a lot going on underneath that, their thoughts and their feelings. Now that doesn’t mean you just let things go, but you can reframe in a way that is helpful instead of, “you know better than to talk to me like that”. You say in the tone you want them to match you. “I think what you mean to say is you don’t like this dinner, you don’t like this pasta”. You can also use, “I think what you mean to say” is with respect to your kids talking to each other.

And this might be one where this phrase doesn’t apply. So you might be saying, “you know better” with respect to something they did, not necessarily something they said. So you might have to come up with another alternative phrase depending on what it is. But I think the key takeaway here is that when you say you know better, it’s ineffective and it’s fueled in shame, which is not helpful. Number three, I don’t say the phrase “because I said so”. I believe that kids need to know why I’m making a decision, why boundaries exist and are important so that they understand and I want to maintain connection. I want to maintain a positive relationship with my kids. Just imagine if you were talking to your husband about the upcoming weekend and wanting to take your kids to a new local park and your husband said, “no, we’re not doing that”.

And you said why? And he said, “because I said so”. Like that would be kind of jarring. And I know here this is different because it’s a parent child relationship, but I do want to point out that I think we forget that we have relationships with our kids. Yes, we need to keep them safe. Yes, we need to hold boundaries. Yes we need to help them and teach them, but at the end of the day we have a relationship with them. And when you prioritize that relationship, it makes such a big difference. And so I just don’t want to be a mom who says, “because I said so”, because I think it has a negative impact on my relationship with my child. And then above and beyond that I do think that it’s important for my kids to understand why. Why the answer is no or why the boundary exists or why I am no longer serving sugar or, whatever the case may be. The fourth phrase I don’t say to my kids is, “stop crying. It’s not a big deal.”

I never dismiss my kids’ emotions. All emotions are welcome. I want to teach my kids to normalize feeling anxiety, to normalize, feeling frustration, to normalize feeling sadness because that’s what life is about. It’s not like when they’re 20 or 30 or 40 or 50, they won’t experience those emotions. They’re going to experience all of those emotions. And if I can prepare them for that, that I believe is part of my job as mom. It’s a job well done. And so when I say “stop crying” or “it’s not a big deal”, I am dismissing their emotions and it’s the opposite of validation. It’s invalidating because to them it is a big deal. Whatever they are thinking is a big deal. If it’s like the wrong color plate, I am all in with them on making it a big deal. No, all feelings are welcome, all actions are not.

So, you know, just ’cause it’s the wrong plate and the feelings of frustration and sadness and disappointment are welcomed and valid and I will allow them, you know, to, to feel as upset as they want to with that. That doesn’t mean they can, you know, throw the plate or do something really hurtful or disruptive that is different. And I think that’s where, we can confuse rules and boundaries with feelings. All feelings are welcome doesn’t mean all actions are welcome. So I don’t say “stop crying, it’s not a big deal”. Instead I’m going to validate whatever my child is going through. “I’m so sorry you don’t like this plate”. I get it. Tell me about it. That’s disappointing, isn’t it? Whatever I think you know, really resonates with them. Depending on their age, depending on the personality. All I’m doing is sitting with them in that emotion.

Now I’m not making it a bigger deal, like dinner doesn’t stop ’cause you got the wrong plate. I’m still going to be moving things along, but I am validating them. I want them to know I see them. That’s all it is. It’s kinda like if you called one of your best friends and she said, “oh my gosh, tell me more. That stinks. Tell me about this terrible plate”. You would be so grateful that she said that and you would want to tell her about it and complain about it and you know, they’d be so helpful. Versus if she said, “don’t worry about it, it’s just a plate. This isn’t a big deal”. You would probably feel dismissed and maybe even that you wanted to make it a bigger deal because she wasn’t hearing you. So the more you can hear your kids and see them in their upsetness, the more connected you will be to them and the more validated they will feel.

And again, you can hold boundaries along the way. Number five, the phrase that I don’t say to my kids, “you’re being dramatic”. Kids are emotional and I don’t want to do anything to dismiss their experience or be judgmental in a negative way. Like you’re being dramatic, they probably are and I’m also dramatic. We’re all dramatic in some ways and I just feel like that phrase is kind of mean cold. Definitely disconnecting. So instead I’m going to say something that is a little closer to the opposite. “I can tell this feels really big to you, I get it. I’m here”. I might share a story. I love storytelling and my own experience to normalize whatever they are going through. The sixth thing that I don’t say to my kids is, “why can’t you be more like fill in the blank”, whether it’s their sibling or their friend or a neighbor or anything like that.

I’m not going to say, why can’t you be more like your sibling? I think that one of the main reasons for sibling rivalry is due to parents comparing even just subtly their kids to one another. And I think that has a really damaging impact on their self-esteem, their relationship with each other, their relationship with the family, and with the parents. And I just don’t find it to be helpful. So I really try to focus on the desires of each child and not do the comparison thing. Number seven, I avoid the phrase, “you always do X or you never do x”, X is fill in the blank. Obviously I don’t like to give labels of always and never because I think that can create identities for them that seem fixed and unhelpful for encouraging a growth mindset and encouraging them to be and become anyone they want to be.

So, for example, let’s say that one of your kids is really struggling with listening. They’re just not listening at all. And in your mind you’re thinking, you never listen, you’ve never listened to me and you are thinking that, I would definitely recommend not saying that. And out of the moment when you’re not in a tricky situation, you might talk with them and you might say, “let’s figure out what’s going on. I’ve noticed that whenever I’m asking you to do something, it’s hard for you. Tell me what that’s about”. So it’s not that you can’t generalize, you know, you might say this happens a lot, but generalizing behavior is very different than giving a label to it. So I just avoid locking my kids into an identity, particularly a negative identity. Like you never listen or you’re always causing problems with your brother. Like I don’t do any of that.

I just again, don’t find it to be helpful. The eighth thing that I don’t say to my kids is, “I just want you to be happy”. Life is supposed to have contrast and challenges. It’s not that I enjoy seeing my sons upset or unhappy, but I’m very aware that there’s a huge impact on them when I think they should always be happy, it puts so much pressure on them that they think they have to people please and be happy in order for me to be happy. And I get it. It’s like a normal primitive desire for all of us as moms to want our kids to be happy. But you are listening to this podcast, I want you to nip that desire right in the bud because it is not at all helpful when you teach your kids that you just want them to be happy.

You’re sending them the message that challenges negative emotions, any type of distress are all bad. And therefore when your kids experience these, they’re going to think that something is wrong instead of seeing them as a normal part of life. I want to prepare my kids for life for the good and the bad. I’m not trying to prevent them from the bad. I’m trying to prepare them for the bad. So I’m not trying to prevent frustration, I’m trying to prepare them for feeling frustrated. This will foster resilience and coping skills, processing feelings. It will normalize challenges, it will decrease anxiety, it will help connection It’s. So much more connecting when someone supports you in your discomfort. What I might say to one of my kids is, “I see you’re struggling right now and that’s okay. I’m here for you”. I’m going to say things that normalize struggle or normalize the frustration or normalize the feeling of anxiety.

I’m going to be there with them in their challenge and help them without trying to fix it for them because fixing it for them comes off as trying to get them out of it when really they need someone to sit with them in their feelings. Such a game changer in parenting. Number nine, “that was bad”. I don’t say this phrase “that was bad” because I think that kids don’t separate that phrase from the identity. So if I say so, if I say “that was bad,” they’re likely going to make that mean I am bad. And I really try to intentionally separate out behavior from identity so kids don’t feel shamed. I think it’s one of the worst things that we can do in parenting and it’s so hard not to do if you were raised in more of an authoritative type of parenting, household and you were shamed, right?

And I think so many of us, myself included, and most of my clients were, and that that was just the way of it. That was how parenting was well-intended. Parents shaming their kids, unbeknownst to them just because they didn’t know any better, probably because their parents shamed them. So it’s not to blame the past generations, it’s just to do better because we know better. So instead of that was bad, which implies you are bad. I like to say things like, “I won’t let you fill in the blank”. I like to take ownership over what I can control because the truth is your kids can take any action that they want. Now you can have boundaries around those actions, but the boundaries are what you will do. It’s not what the kids will do. So for example, if my kids start breaking a certain toy intentionally, I’m not going to say “that was bad”.

I’m going to say “I won’t let you break that toy” and I’m going to take the toy away, not as a punishment. I’m not going to punish my kids here. I’m going to help them. They clearly don’t have the skillset yet of playing appropriately with this toy. So by removing the toy from a place of love for them and from a place of being the mom who I want to be and telling them that, “Hey, I can’t let you play with this toy right now”. I feel so aligned with being a mom who allows their kids to choose how they want to act. I’m not trying to control them, I’m just focusing on who I want to be. This is huge because then your kids won’t feel ashamed. They might not be happy about it, but it’s going to be a completely different dynamic than if you said “that was bad. You know better, you’re in trouble.”

Whatever those phrases are, we could use all of those in that one situation. Not helpful. Shame-based parenting going to really, create problems in the relationship. Lastly, “I’m so disappointed in you”, I just don’t find this to be helpful. Kids already feel their own shame, just like we as adults feel our own shame for the mistakes that we’ve made. And I think, you know, even if we don’t say this, sometimes our kids sense our own disappointment. And so that’s hard enough. Again, I don’t find this to be helpful. I find it to be rooted in shame-based parenting and it’s just not the mom I want to be. So I’m not going to say “I’m so disappointed in you.” If my kids miss the mark, if they do something intentional, bite their brother. You know, if you have older kids, if they lie to you, that’s a big one I coach on.

So if your kids say they, took the test or did the homework and they got a good grade and then you later find out that’s not the case, I would not recommend saying I’m so disappointed in you because again, you’re making your love conditional on them doing something. It feels like you are withdrawing. So for those of you who don’t know, I talk about this on Instagram over @mom.onpurpose a lot. I am obsessed with attachment theory and I study it a lot. It’s a psychology, it’s philosophy. And there are a lot of books out there, a lot of, you know, Instagram accounts you can follow. And the more I learn about it, the more I am just astounded by how much is rooted in attachment that we just as a culture don’t even know this being one of them.

So when you say “you are bad” or “I’m disappointed in you”, you’re withdrawing love. Now, you don’t think you’re withdrawing love. You think you’re just trying to help your child make a better choice. But that’s not how they perceive it. They perceive it as you withdrawing love you. Withdrawing love means that the attachment is broken and they are going to feel fear. Oh no, I’m breaking this attachment with my parents. That’s not good. Their love is conditional, that’s not good. And it just creates bigger problems. They’re going to end up people pleasing and I think the relationship gets worse from it and they might attach to their peers. Again, it kind of depends on their age. It’s going to be very different if it’s a 3-year-old versus a 13-year-old. But overall, “I’m so disappointed in you” or “you’re bad”. Those are two phrases that I think kind of along the same lines are rooted in the shame-based parenting that creates the detachment and the, disconnection in the parenting relationship.

So for this one, there isn’t a specific phrase that I say to replace, “I’m so disappointed in you”. But overall, the kind of feeling that I’m going with here comes from the phrase, “let’s talk about it”. So I’m probably not going to say this directly to my kids, but that’s the thought that I’m thinking. I want to talk with my kids about this. I want to figure out what’s going on. I think the feeling would be curiosity. If my kids are doing something I don’t think is best for them, I’m going to get really curious and try to understand them. Now again, completely different if it’s a two or 3-year-old versus a 13-year-old, especially for the older kids. Curiosity in young adult kids as well. Curiosity is your best friend because their actions are just at the surface. That’s just what you see behind their actions are feelings that drove them to take that action.

And then behind that feeling are the thoughts that are creating the feeling. So if you’re surprised or confused or just disappointed, you want to get into curiosity and see what it’s like to be them. See what’s going on for them instead of judgment. Judgment is, I know better than you. Curiosity is, huh? I wonder what it’s like to be you. Do you see how connecting curiosity is? Even if you ultimately don’t end up agreeing with them, you’re making space for them to feel seen. And that is huge because ultimately, like in this example, they already did the thing. So it’s not like you can change that. Punishing them isn’t going to help them not do the thing that’s just going to create fear and damage the relationship and you don’t want to do anything else ’cause they already have enough influences on them that will impact negatively the attachment bond.

And when you say things like you are bad or I’m so disappointed in you, that’s what that does. It makes it feel like your love is conditional on them performing in a certain way. The last thing that I want to say here is if you are a mom with adult kids, there are many of you in this community. I don’t want you to use this list against yourself. You have not messed up your kids. There is nothing that you need to regret. You can always repair. It is never too late to repair. Come inside the Membership, get tools on that. I will help you. I will coach you. I coach tons of empty nesters. It’s so fun. It doesn’t really matter what age your kids are, you can apply all of these tools and even if you have little ones at home and you’ve been using these phrases, hopefully I’ve persuaded you to see the upside and the alternative ways of talking and communicating and holding boundaries with your kids.

But again, this list is meant to help you, not to shame you, not to think that you’re doing something wrong or that you should have done it differently in the past. Genuinely there is always so much more to learn and we’re doing our best. And something I always come back to is my kids are supposed to have a human mom, and that means I’m going to make mistakes and I want to be a mom who owns her mistakes and who repairs and who models that for her kids. I know I can maintain connection and a great relationship with them by doing that. And also teach them what it’s like to be in relationships and how they might repair in their relationships as well. So there’s always an opportunity for reestablishing connection and reestablishing attachment and repairing the relationship. Ultimately, my intention with this podcast is to emphasize how much words matter and how small shifts can create a huge difference in connecting with your kids in the confidence that you have as a mom and in your parenting and in the joy that you experience in motherhood.

So if it were me and these were pretty new to me, I might go back through and just pick one that I was going to get started with and replace this week and notice the impact. Notice the impact on myself as a mom. I also invite you to share this episode with another mom who is just an amazing mom because it’s the amazing moms who have space for this work because they care. You’re only listening to this. You only have made it this far in the podcast because you care about your kids. You care about growing as a mom, you care about showing up as a parent, you want to be. So send this to a mama who is awesome. And with that, my friends, I will talk with you next week. Take care.

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