What To Do When Everyone Doesn’t Get Along

Welcome to Mom On Purpose, where it’s all about helping moms overcome challenges and live their best lives. My hope is by being here, you are more inspired to become the mom you are made to be. I’m Natalie, your host, a wife, boy, mom, dog mama, Chicagoan, and former lawyer turned professionally certified coach. If you’re here to grow, I can help. Let’s go.

Hello, my beautiful friends. Welcome to the podcast. So happy to be here with you today. I have missed you. As a reminder, the weekly podcast are now inside the Mom On Purpose Membership over at momonpurpose.com/coaching. If you want that weekly content, it has been so much fun for me as a teacher and a coach and a creator to be able to just deliver straight up valuable trainings and content in, I think, a deeper way. So definitely join just for that.

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And of course I will talk about that here once things are actually out. So that’s what’s going on. Of course it is, you know, already heading into the holiday season and inside the Mom On Purpose Membership, there’s a new course, it’s a new masterclass, it’s called Relationships on Purpose. And I deep dive into the relationship tools that have helped me increase connection, kind of let things go be around people who maybe I have different views from and how to just like navigate challenging relationships, you know, navigate difficult people, like all the things that I think maybe, you know, if you and I were talking about over, a coffee or a dinner or if you have a cocktail or something, I have a mocktail, that would come up if you really let me know what’s going on, especially with this time of year.

I think there’s just a magnifying glass on our relationship challenges because of how frequently we see people and the pressure that we put on ourselves to make the holidays special. You know, it all kind of comes under light, you know, and that’s what I think of when I think of like the holidays and that magnifying glass analogy. So with that, I want to offer you a special episode today about what to do when everyone doesn’t get along. This doesn’t even have to be something that’s said, but it’s something that you feel, you feel tension, the energy in the room feels off and you can sense it immediately if you even just think about how good we are at picking up on other people’s emotions. It’s like if you walk into a room and the energy is high and everyone is welcoming and happy, you can sense that the same is true when you walk into a room and the energy is low and tense and people are upset.

Like you can sense it now, you’ve probably been around here for a while if you haven’t, you’re about to hear me say this, but your thoughts create your feelings. So if that’s true, then what’s happening when our mood shifts immediately, it’s that the primitive brain is picking up on what other people are thinking, feeling, and doing. And that’s a survival part of the brain. It’s a skill that was useful for survival, but it ends up being a trap, right? Because you feeling tense because other people are feeling tense, not helpful, in our modern lives, like it doesn’t help you stay safe in the way that it’s doing that for you, in the way that it’s mirroring other people’s negative emotion is. So it ends up kind of being like a trap because the moment that your peace depends on other people’s feelings, you know, you’ve sort of lost your ability to have a good time to enjoy yourself.

And then I think there’s this added hyper responsibility for me it’s like as a firstborn daughter, as a type a’er, for those of you who identify as fixers or recovering fixers, it’s like we have this innate urge to manage other people’s moods, to smooth things over, to be responsible for things that aren’t even ours to be responsible for. And I think it just makes it like messy. It’s the best way to think about it. It’s like you trying to manage the situation and manage how other people feel. It ends up being messy because it’s something that is completely out of your control. Let me tell you, my friends, one of the most toxic, terrible thoughts that you can have, and it’s sneaky. I might get pushback for this, but I stand by it. It’s, I just want everyone to get along. Doesn’t that sound like such a loving thought?

And it is coming from like a really genuine place. Like you care about the people in your life. You care about the people that you’re going to see, you care about them getting along, but when your wants are with respect to things you can’t control. So when you want other people to think and feel and act in a certain way, when you want to control what other people are doing and how they’re interacting, what I say is like, it’s a waste of a want. It focuses on wanting something that’s outside of your control. So would it be nice if everyone just got along? Sure, of course, but I actually don’t even think that’s supposed to be the way of it. And obviously if you’re listening to this podcast, you know that this whole podcast is about what to do when everyone doesn’t get along. And so when that’s happening, instead of thinking, I just want everyone to get along, remind yourself that you can feel however you want to feel and you can give other people permission to feel how they want to feel.

Isn’t that so nice of you? I say that because of course they’re going to feel how they want to feel, they’re going to act how they want to act. And what you can do is, you know, you don’t have to love it. You don’t have to ignore it. What I’m not saying is we’re just so happy that they’re not getting along in, or you are not getting along. It’s instead it’s not hanging your peace on whether they get along on whether you are getting along with them. You can maintain your peace and feel however you want to feel without them getting along, without people getting along, even if they’re bringing, you know, stress or worry or tension. You don’t have to bring that. So when I started this podcast, I was talking about how, you know, when there’s tension “in a room”. And that’s kind of how we think about it.

But when you’re coaching yourself and you’re doing this work, I want you to take ownership of what’s actually happening. So this is like the math of doing thought work so that you can feel better. It’s okay. There are 10 people in this room. All 10 people have their own thoughts, feelings, and actions. What’s yours to control are your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Tension doesn’t exist in the room, it exists in someone’s body. So if you walk into a room and eight people are thinking thoughts that create tension for them, you will pick up on that because of the survival part of the brain. But there isn’t like this jar of tension on the middle of the table that you could say people are getting their tension from. They’re all creating thoughts that are generating the feeling of tension in their body. Okay, this isn’t just, you know, like a fun experiment we’re doing here, this is useful because then it gives you your power back over your emotional experience.

So you might not want to feel happy, but you probably don’t want to feel tense. It’s typically not the intentional emotion that I’m coaching my clients to feel when they show up to a gathering, a family gathering. And so this is where pre-coaching can be very helpful because you know, family and people are predictable. So that difficult person in your life, she’s predictable, the family that maybe, you know, doesn’t get along. It’s predictable. And where I see we get ourselves into trouble is thinking, I just want everyone to get along ahead of time. Like that’s what we’re telling ourselves. That’s the um, default way of thinking ahead of time. And we are met with, you know, the opposite. And so what I say is to precoach yourself and decide how you want to think on purpose with a thought. Like I just want everyone to feel how they want to feel like that is such a better, more connecting powerful thought because then you just give them permission to feel how they want to feel. Then your emotions aren’t dependent on them. Like you can feel better even if they feel tense.

So yes, the default is to mirror when other people aren’t getting along. But when you precoach yourself and you say, okay, this isn’t mine to fix, feelings aren’t for fixing. You know, if there is a challenge or something happened that you want to work through, absolutely have a conversation. But typically, especially, you know, this is coming out and I’m recording this, like during the fall, and so it’s like family gatherings and holidays and all of those things. Typically these are, situations with a lot of family history and there are a lot of thoughts from past experiences and I don’t even think you have to dig through all of it, but you can own your side of the street and just decide. I want them to feel however they want to feel. If they want to get along, great, if they don’t want to get along, that’s okay too.

Here’s how I’m going to show up, here’s how I’m going to think and here’s how I’m going to feel. In coaching, I always give this potluck analogy. It’s like if everyone’s going to a potluck and it’s, you know, 30 people and 30 people are bringing different dishes, you get to decide what dish you are bringing. So if you know 29 people are bringing different versions of frustration, tense, irritation, agitation, any sort of, you know, negative emotion, disappointment, sadness, anxiety, you still get to decide what you are bringing. You can bring sweet potatoes. I love sweet potatoes. Sweet potatoes are delicious, right? I don’t love peas. So to me, if someone’s bringing peas, that’s okay. I just won’t eat the peas. Peas are like stress. If someone else wants to bring stress, that’s okay. You don’t have to take on their stress. So you can bring delight, you can bring positivity, you can bring connection.

I’m not talking about, oh, everything is rainbows and daisies. I’m not talking about, this is really tense and I’m ignoring it, right? That’s taking a negative thought and putting a positive thought on top of it, which doesn’t work. So you have to see that there are no negative circumstances. This is just how people are being. And from that place of acceptance, you can decide what you want to bring to the table. So instead of like faking it, it’s just being more intentional. ’cause you’re already creating your emotion on purpose. It’s just that on default, if you’re a fixer, if you are thinking, I just want everyone to get along, if you’re thinking it’s a problem when people don’t get along, then you’re probably leaning more towards mirroring other people’s negative emotion, even if it’s a different flavor, right? So if your mom is stressed about your siblings, you know, and you don’t think she should be, you end up feeling frustrated or stressed about her stress.

And so now we have two people bringing peas to the dinner party instead of just mom, bringing peas and you bringing sweet potatoes. So just think about how you can create the exact experience that you want to create. I think above and beyond intentionally creating your thoughts and feelings, which of course is always going to hands down, leave you better off, especially when you are, going into a family setting where you think people might not get along is just letting go of the idea that like problems have to be solved right away, or that people disagreeing mean that there’s something for you to fix. So this comes up a lot in my coaching with relationships where someone is having a challenge and they want to express that challenge to the other person. And you know, I’m coaching them through that. And then I’m saying, you know, and owning your side of the street, meaning just owning your experience of it, not actually looking for a solution just to share vulnerably.

And we don’t do this right? We think, okay, if I’m going to tell my spouse that I didn’t like X, Y, and Z in the back of my mind I’m thinking, I want him to know that he should do A, B, and C, right? Like, we’re always jumping to the solution. And I think instead, if you can back up and just get better at disagreeing, I talk about this actually in a Relationships Course in the membership, how powerful this is as a skill, allowing space for you to love someone and like someone, or even just respect someone and disagree with them without needing there to be a solution. So for example, if you want to share with someone that you didn’t like what they said last time you were with them, you could share that and say how you felt about it and what you thought about it and just what your overall experience was like.

Just because as you know, someone you love and care about, you just want to share your experience with them. And also on the receiving end of it, for us it’s like allowing other people to share their experiences with us and allowing people space to disagree without thinking there is something to fix. Okay? We go into fix it mode for things that number one, don’t even need fixing. Like it’s okay to disagree. And then number two, if it does need fixing, it’s typically not ours to fix. So I see you high achiever, run your urge to fix things through that, decision filter, right? It’s like, is this something that even needs to be fixed and has to have a solution? Or can it just be something that people disagree about? And then if it does need to be fixed, is it even yours to fix and manage?

Very few things will go through that decision filter. So if your siblings are disagreeing about how to make care decisions for one of your aging parents, let’s say, it might be that there isn’t actually something to decide right now, it’s just that you, you know, maybe there’s three of you, you disagree on the options. Like allow space for the disagreeing. Now ultimately, if a decision does need to be made, then express your opinion and allow other people to have theirs. When we I think try to fix people or fix problems that aren’t ours to fix and manage moods and smooth things over, we end up just feeling depleted. I, what’s actually happening here is you end up self abandoning because you are not focused on your thoughts and feelings and actions. You’re so focused on everyone else’s that it will feel mentally and emotionally exhausting.

And it can lead to, and I’m speaking from experience here, not my ivory tower, it can lead to a little bit of martyrdom, a little bit of like, you know, poor me. I always have to handle everything. I’m the oldest daughter type A responsible one, right? And like we do it to ourselves. If you just look at other people in your family, they’re not doing this. And it is an urge. And I, I think it’s like traits that we have as high achieving women that are like overused that end up being like negatives. And so you just gotta turn down the dial on the doing on the fixing and focus it back towards yourself and working on your thoughts and feelings so that you have a better overall experience in your mental and emotional wellbeing. Try this idea on: peace doesn’t come from everyone getting along.

Peace comes from how you think when they don’t. So how are you choosing to think when people don’t get along? I know you care about these people in your life, otherwise you would feel indifferent. Like there are people who don’t get along right now and you don’t have any thoughts and feelings about it and you don’t really care. Okay? ’cause you don’t care so much. But for the people who you care most deeply about, I think we can end up increasing our own suffering and worrying. And there can be a lot of heaviness around people not getting along all unnecessarily. No, you might not want to be thrilled, you might not want to be excited or joyful, but you can be at peace. You can think, you know what, sometimes siblings are supposed to disagree about how to care for their aging parents. Or sometimes whoever isn’t supposed to get along and maybe they need that right now.

I love thinking about our spirits, our souls being here for a journey of growth. And that journey of growth requires challenges to grow. It’s the only way. And when someone is struggling or when people aren’t getting along, I like to think about how this is part of their experience that they’re supposed to be having right now. Now that doesn’t mean that I am not an active participant or that I don’t care. Again, it just keeps me out of fix it mode. It’s like, oh yeah, they’re struggling or they’re not getting along and apparently they’re not supposed to right now how do I know? Because they’re not and that’s okay. Me not feeling at peace. Me feeling upset or frustrated or stressed or anxious or worried is like bringing more peas to the potluck when no one wants peas, okay? It’s like, just bring some sweet potatoes instead.

And I think sometimes we think it’s like irresponsible. So I’m just going to feel at peace and joyful and connected when they’re not getting along. It’s like, yeah, because tension isn’t in the jar, in the middle of the room seeping into everyone. You only feel tense if someone else feels tense because of that wicked fast smart brain that can pick up on what someone else is thinking and feeling for survival purposes. It was dangerous for you to not understand how people were feeling. If someone else felt worried or stressed, or like their nervous system was activated. It was important for you to feel that way to know if there was also a danger that you should be paying attention to. So it makes sense for survival, it just doesn’t make sense today. And so again, we can’t get rid of this part of the brain, nor would we really want to, but you gotta manage it otherwise you will drive yourself crazy.

You will self abandon, you’ll be focusing on other people trying to control them, fix it mode. It’s just exhausting. And I am speaking from experience my friends. So coach yourself ahead of time for the predictable circumstances. Like, you know, you’re going to your in-laws or you’re hosting or whatever it is, or you have this big party or something and you know, X, Y, Z is going to happen or person A, B, and C, they’re all going to be there and this is how they typically are. And instead of thinking thoughts like, oh, I hope they’re not like this, or I just want everyone to get along, which seem innocent but are so unhelpful because your expectations won’t be met. And then not only do you have to deal with the people who aren’t getting along, but now you have this unmet expectation. So you have disappointment, then you have judgment layered on top, and then you have whatever else is going on with you.

And you can clean all of that up and just be thinking, oh, bummer, they brought peace. Oh, bummer, they’re feeling tense. That’s okay. I don’t have to feel tense. I can respect them and validate them and love them and also keep my peace. It’s not the easiest thing to do in the world, but it’s so worth it. It’s kind of like, you know, I give you a new gym routine or a new workout routine or a new gym class to go to or something, right? It’s like it’s not the easiest, especially the first time you do it. But when you keep going over time your entire body changes and you’re like, oh my gosh, I can’t imagine not going, I can’t imagine not working out. That’s how thought work is. Every single day I am like, I can’t imagine not doing this. Like my peace is so high.

My positive feelings, my purpose, my connection is so high and I’m able to let go of people being in people as they will. And you know, instead of going to the judgment and the negativity and the, here we go again and why can’t everyone get along? I don’t have any of those thoughts. I’m like, oh yeah, they’re having a human experience. So am I. If I’m feeling negative emotion, I’m just going to process it and I’m going to coach myself as much as I can to make sure that I’m thinking and feeling how I want to feel. So I know that you can’t precoach yourself for everything because there are unpredictable things that come up of course. But the more that you’re practicing this, the better equipped you’ll be to navigate challenging circumstances with your loved one. So for example, if you do thought work every single day or you listen to one weekly coaching call and you get that brain management, you are going to be so much better equipped for the spontaneous circumstances that come up where, you know, you otherwise would have gone into frustration, resentment, irritation, anxiety, worry, all of those unhelpful, negative emotions.

You’ll be able to reduce and work through and then feel confident and connected because you have these tools in your back pocket. So my beautiful friends, peace isn’t out there after everyone gets along. We don’t need everyone to get along. It’s okay. It is okay. And I didn’t talk about boundaries in this podcast, but boundaries are also a part of it. If you decide that there needs to be a boundary. But a boundary is something that you do for you, it’s really not the other person. So if you want coaching on boundaries, again, I can definitely help you with that. But for the types of get togethers, the types of gatherings where people just aren’t getting along and you are feeling like you can’t enjoy yourself because of that, it’s just simply not true. So stop your brain from having those spiral thoughts, like why can’t they just, and instead remind yourself.

Nothing has gone wrong. It’s okay for them to feel how they want to feel. I want them to feel however they want to feel. I don’t need them to feel happy, for me to feel at peace. They can feel however they want and I can feel however I want. And I choose peace and I choose connection. Do this for your sake, my beautiful friend. Alright, I will talk with you next week inside the Membership and there will be another free public podcast coming out next month. Until next time, my friends take care.