From Type-A Lawyer To Calm Mom: My Journey To Balance And Patience In Motherhood

Welcome to Mom On Purpose, where it’s all about helping moms overcome challenges and live their best lives. My hope is by being here, you are more inspired to become the mom you are made to be. I’m Natalie, your host, a wife, boy, mom, dog, mama, Chicagoan, and former lawyer turned professionally certified coach. If you’re here to grow, I can help. Let’s go.

Hello, my beautiful friends. Today I am so excited to share a more personal podcast with you. A little bit more about my story, kind of going from such a type, a career driven lawyer to a calm mom, and my internal and external journey towards feeling so much more grounded, balanced, and patient, particularly as a mom and all of the shifts and transformations that, have been a part of that, as well as hopefully some, you know, practical tips and tools that you can apply to your life.

This is something I teach and coach on in the Membership very often. So hopefully this will resonate with you as a podcast listener as well. Just a reminder, make sure you are on my email list. This is where you can, you know, just get extra free help from me via email. I’ll send, you know, one to two emails per week usually, and you can also always reply to me and let me know what’s resonating with you, what you’re really struggling with, and just connect with me more personally there. All you have to do is go to moon purpose.com/subscribe and you will be signed up. You can also call the podcast hotline at 8333- Ask Nat. That’s 8 3 3 3 2 7 5 6 2 8, and leave me a voicemail. I love hearing all of your messages and we’ll continue to play those, in future podcasts as well. So with today’s episode, I want to start off by just talking about kinda where I was at, you know, 10 years ago I was a lawyer and I’ve always been identified as very type A and I really resonated with that and leaned into that and even leaned into in my later years being called like that really dominant alpha female.

And, I had lots of accolades and achievements and goals that I had accomplished to, reflect back to me that that’s just who I was. And I didn’t even think it was possible for me to be anyone different. I just thought there are just some women who are like this. And I attributed it much to my upbringing, much to, you know, being the first born girl much to, my family of origin. I had lots of reasons why I thought this just was a fact. Like my name is Natalie, I am five foot five and I am a type A alpha female. Like I thought those were facts I didn’t realize at the time that I was creating that identity. So certainly there were just some innate personality traits that lended itself really well to being achievement oriented.

But I took all of that and whether it was from, you know, validation from external sources like my parents or classmates or teachers and just, you know, the media and what I’ve seen, I validated that and took on that identity to call myself type A, to call myself alpha female, to really like, continue to make that identity bigger because I just thought that was the only option for who I could be in the world.

And it just wasn’t true. And I say that because I want you to know that if you are someone who, identifies as a type A alpha female, and it’s not that you don’t like that part of you, but you want there to be this softer, more feminine laid back side that’s calm and patient that is available to you. And it starts with identity work and what you’re telling yourself about yourself. And so what I also knew even throughout all of my career was that I always wanted to be a mom. This was not something that anyone had to tell me. I just knew from a very young age I wanted to be a mom. And I don’t know if a lot of people knew that about me at the time when I was so career focused. Being really educated and career focused was something that was highly encouraged in my family, a lot of doctors and physicians in my family.

And, I’m the only lawyer actually, but that just fit more with my skillset and was a natural progression based on the values in, in my family and in my life and what I wanted to do. And I cared a lot about justice and, fairness. And it just aligned really well with who I was. I never gave up on and never changed my desire to be a mom. I still always wanted to be a mom. And I remember when I was getting out of student loan debt from law school and I was still single and I was dating and I remember working so much, and then I had started building my business on the side of being a lawyer. And one of my coaches kinda asked me like, what comes to mind when I would think about slowing down and just like not working.

And the word that came out of my mouth was terror. Terror. It felt like terror to slow down, to not hustle, to work less. It felt like I had to carry it all and do it all. And that was the only reason why I was getting the results that I was getting. And by believing this thought, I made it true. And so I continued to work really hard and kind of hustle and really have a more kind of, I don’t know, hardcore dominant go-getter, productive, masculine, energy. And it served me really well. It did not serve me so well in the areas of dating and wanting a family. So when I say it served me really well, it served me really well in the areas of achieving goals in my career, in being an attorney and a certified financial planner and starting a business.

It wasn’t like everything was always easy with my business, but utilizing a lot of those skills, the ambition, the discipline, the productivity really was helpful. And, what I realized was that those same skills weren’t as helpful in the area of family dating and ultimately, you know, getting married and having kids and being the mom that I am right now, about to have my third son. And so I decided that I wanted to go on this journey to kind of calm down, become more patient, become more feminine. And one of the thoughts that really helped me do this was I could always go back. So it’s not like when you transform, you lose a different part of yourself. And that’s something I really want to emphasize here. So when you, shift kind of from being more type A, whether it’s, you know, in your career to being more a little bit laid back or, more feminine, it’s not that you lose your drive, I like to think of it more like a dial that I can turn up or down.

So also thinking of like a spectrum on the one end of the spectrum is like the masculine and the other end is the feminine. And you can sort of sort of move back and forth along the spectrum more easily. So it’s really an expansion. It’s not, you know, going from someone who’s really masculine to someone who’s really feminine. It’s, it’s being able to utilize these character traits and these skills, more easily, they’re more readily available. So before doing any of this work, the skills that we typically talk about as that masculine energy, productivity, discipline, decision making ambition, all of those were really sharpened. Those skills were sharpened, I could easily, utilize them, but the skills of letting go, being more patient, being easygoing, that softness, those were skills that weren’t as sharpened that weren’t, familiar to me at all. And in fact, the thought of of being that way scared me so much.

Like I didn’t think it was possible to have the success that I had and be more feminine and laid back and easygoing because in my mind I was thinking, okay, well that means I won’t work as much, which means I won’t create as much, which means I won’t grow my business as much. And I didn’t like the idea of that. And yet I had this deep desire to be married and have kids and just be a mom and family was so important to me and I hadn’t created that yet. And so it was really a transformation journey that I decided to go on, even though part of it really felt scary and ultimately like terror. So, I really started to follow and pay attention to more feminine women. And I started reading books and taking courses and learning about softness and slowness and femininity.

And, and at the same time I continued to date. And it wasn’t long before I met my now husband, Steve and I found it so much easier to drop into that softness and slowness and femininity when I was dating him. And ultimately, you know, we got engaged and got married because I noticed that the warmth that I brought to that relationship when I was, you know, turning the dial more towards my feminine side was received so well. So I’m obviously in like a heterosexual relationship. Steve is a masculine guy. So it is a really nice dynamic when I’m in my feminine. Now, I love thinking about this as a dial because what I’m not saying is that all of the time, you know, even as a wife today, that I’m in my feminine, there are lots of times where being productive and using that sort of masculine energy really served me well.

But when you think of it as a dial, it’s really more about expanding your capacity. And that’s exactly what I did so that I could pull on more of that femininity in my marriage and relationships and ultimately in motherhood. And fast forward to, you know, having my first son, which was, you know, just that next year after getting married, I really wanted to slow down. I wanted to be present with my son. I, you know, changed my environment. I changed the way I dressed, I changed the way I talked, I noticed the language that I use. So all of these symptoms, are, a result of the way that you’re thinking. So if you’re thinking in a really like highly masculine way, you will speak in a highly masculine way. You will dress in a highly masculine way. You will have, a home that is decorated in more masculine decor.

And so you can, and I encourage you to work on both ends of it, right? Like the thought work, the identity work, but also, you know, you don’t have to wait until you’ve completely shifted. You can change the way you speak and your language. You can change the way you’re dressing and styling your hair. You can incorporate more softness and femininity into your home decor. Um, so instead of the sharp edges and kind of cold feel, you would bring in more warmth and more floral or something like that. You could just google, feminine decor or, you know, instead of always wearing black and having this, you know, strong Chicago kind of wardrobe, I shifted into a much more feminine, soft, wardrobe that was very timely. ’cause I was living in Charleston and I wore a lot of dresses and it, you know, was neutrals still. I always wear neutrals, but it was like a little bit more pastel neutrals. And, I felt so good and amazing and it was like a huge weight was lifted.

And I say that because, before I had this shift, it was so much about control. Like, if I let go and if I focus more on receiving and the femininity, then nothing’s going to get done. It’s not going to be done the way I want. It’s not going to happen the way I want. My business isn’t going to be as successful or, my home isn’t going to be the way I want and it’s just not true. When I really embody and I’m in that feminine place, it feels so connecting and grounding. And how I utilize it today is I really use the dial a lot with respect to work and family life. So it serves me so well in motherhood. Oh my goodness. I grew up in a family of yellers. I would say like, it wasn’t uncommon to hear either of my parents yell, and I would’ve previously identified as kind of a yeller and definitely more strict.

And I was raised kind of strict, I would say. And now to be able to, just get to calm, to be able to very rarely yell. I mean, let’s be honest, we’ve all been there, the best of moms. And of course we can utilize repair in those times where we do lose our patients. However, most of the time I’m not yelling most of the time I’m grounded. Most of the time I am connected. And that has been such a gift to myself and to my family. And it, it’s just so different than who I used to be. I used to be someone who, you know, the thought of sitting down and just resting, like felt impossible. Like I just, I, I knew it was possible, right? It’s not like, you know, going to the moon or something. Like I knew it was possible.

I just didn’t do it. I just didn’t think that it was possible in my daily life. There was always more to do. There’s always more I wanted to do. I was in that go, go go energy. And I think part of that mindset is thinking I need to do everything for everyone, always. And I think it’s a little bit part of our social conditioning and it doesn’t really matter where it came from. Just notice, do you have that mindset? I need to do everything for everyone, always. And if so, do the mindset work around that. That’s really what the membership is about. It’s changing that mindset, whatever mindset is holding you back so that you can transform into the woman who you want to be. And for me, part of one of my journeys is really letting go of, of that identity, of that people pleasing identity, of that overworking identity, of that perfectionist identity.

And really tapping into just being content with right now and still wanting more, but not from a place of urgency, not from a place of hustle, just from a place of it’s like fun to want more and to build my business. So let’s do that. But I have no problem at all sitting down, hanging out, you know, being with my family, resting, letting things go, right? That’s at least how I would’ve described it before. Like, there are lots of things that are undone. Totally fine with it. It’s been such a treat to see some of the effects of this. Like I can just leave laundry, in baskets like unfolded, let’s just say I, I did some loads of laundry and they’re clean, like I could just leave them in the baskets unfolded for days. It doesn’t bother me at all. And the old Natalie would have never been able to do that.

And I think those small examples really show the shift because it’s like that saying goes, how you do anything is how you do everything. And so if you are constantly in that go, go, go energy, the doer energy, and that probably serves you really well in some areas of your life, maybe like work, let’s say the typical example, if you’re in that energy at home with your family all of the time, it will be harder for you to get to calm, to feel patient, to feel balanced. And it’s not because you’re doing it wrong, it’s just because you need to sharpen that skillset of feeling patient, of feeling calm, of you know, that mindset that you don’t need to do everything for everyone always. That you need to take care of yourself. And part of taking care of yourself is relaxing and restoring and taking it easy.

And that requires validation from you because we get a lot of validation externally when we succeed, when we do well in our jobs, when we, you know, have a beautiful home. Someone comes over and compliments us. And so you have to validate yourself when you shift to say, you know what? I’m not going to clean the kitchen. I’m just going to relax. And then after you relax, tell yourself I’m so grateful to myself for relaxing. I took care of myself. That’s a huge win. Instead of what we normally do is beat ourselves up for not having cleaned the kitchen and”wasting time”. I do want to mention how I think about patience and balance, because I think those words are thrown around without deeper exploration. And I think that that can cause kinda a negative, impact on the way that we talk about it, particularly with respect to balance, thinking that it’s external, like there’s this some magical set of hours that if we get right, we’re going to feel balanced.

So the thought error there is thinking that your circumstances, the hours in your day, create how you feel, the hours in your day, don’t create how you feel, you create how you feel by how you think. So I don’t look for balance externally. I’m not thinking, okay, I should, you know, work X amount of hours, be with my kids, y amount of hours, sleep, Z amount of hours, take care of my home a amount of hours. Like I’m not looking at it externally, I’m looking at it internally. I talked a lot about this and really it’s what the entire course is about this month inside the Mom On Purpose Membership about purpose and priorities and how if you identify what your purpose is in the season of life, and then you come up with, you know, your top three priorities, it’s so much easier to define what internal balance is for you.

Because for me, focusing on my family and then my business and those being my top two priorities right now, when I do that and then I take care of myself, right? I shower, I sleep, I, do that self-care, that journaling , and the work that we do in the membership, I feel really balanced. And it’s because I’m living in alignment with who I want to be with my purpose, with my priorities. And if you took my hours and you gave them to someone else, who has a completely different purpose and a completely different list of priorities, they might feel completely out of balance. And that’s because it wouldn’t be in alignment with who they want to be. So I always use the example of travel because it’s not one of my priorities right now, if travel is one of your priorities and you lived the life that I am living, you would feel very out of balance because there’s pretty much minimal travel in my life, right?

We do some travel, but, not a lot. And that is by choice. I do not want to travel a lot. I’m always trying to get out of travel. There are some exceptions for family and, some kind of masterminds and, and things like that that I do. But otherwise, just me personally in this season of life, I don’t want travel to be a huge priority. And so if you are someone who isn’t a season of life, like my brother right now, for example, he travels a ton. Like, and it’s so cute, he always brings these little gifts back for my kids. And, it’s just like so fun to see him living out his priorities. If we swapped our hours in the day, we would each feel very disoriented and out of balance because we are living through completely different purposes. And so if you identify what your purpose is and then you create your priorities, it’s much easier to create balance for you.

So when you’re thinking about balance, make sure you’re thinking about it in terms of internal balance for you and what that looks like. Not external balance based on hours in the day, based on what your neighbor’s doing, based on what your mother-in-law says you should be doing. It’s really, really personal. Okay, now let’s talk a little bit about patience. What is patience, right? We often talk about in motherhood, like losing our patience, but I like to think about patience as simply the ability to calmly wait for something you want. And I use this definition a lot when I am teaching my son or sons about patience. I’ll say, you know, practicing patience is so difficult. It’s a skill you can get really good at. It’s so hard to wait for something that you want. We love, love, love, talking about what patients specifically is, right? It’s really your capacity to calmly wait for something you want.

And I think my capacity has expanded greatly because I am someone who naturally has trained the muscle of fast decision making, of being a doer of go, go, go of quickly, getting things done and again, has served me so well in my business, in my career. Like I’m on my third career, I was a lawyer, I was a CFP at an RIA, I have built a multiple six figure business, and that is a result of that masculine energy of doing more, of productivity, of, ambition, of quick decision making, all really useful, right? I’m not saying any of those are bad, it’s awesome. But there was a point in my life where I realized, okay, this is great. And also what’s lacking is that slowness, that softness, that that patience, that kind of more feminine skillset that I wanted to cultivate for myself because I knew how well it would serve me, just as a, as a person.

And also with my desire of wanting to be a wife and mom. And undoubtedly it has served me so well. I really think it’s the only reason why I can navigate tantrums so well. I mean, there’s a ton of mindset work that went into that, but also it’s just being more relaxed, and more easygoing in my mom role and not being so rigid. And I think that without doing this work, I would have just thought I had to be this type a career oriented alpha female who was also a mom. But instead, first of all, I rarely like use those identities to define myself anymore. But instead I just think about, you know, different traits that I want to amp up at different times, like the different dial. So if I am working in my business, I want that dial on productivity, on ambition, on doing things.

And sometimes when I’m at home, like if I’m decluttering, I might want that. But when I’m with my kids and my family and my husband, most of the time, I like to go into that more feminine side. So it’s not that I’ve lost, you know, that type a side, it’s really just that I have more control over it. I have more awareness of what it really is. And my capacity has greatly increased, to be able to just relax and hang. So if you want a little test for yourself, you know, set your timer and do what I teach, the 10 minutes of silence. Just set your timer on your phone, sit down on the ground, flip your phone over and just sit there. Can you just sit there relaxed for 10 minutes? For my clients who are just starting this work, it’s one of the things that we get started with.

And oftentimes it’s really challenging and that’s just because your body isn’t used to resting, being grounded sitting still. It’s used to being in that go, go, go energy. And so you have to train your body just like, you know, doing pushups or practicing doing a handstand. You’re training your body to get more comfortable doing nothing. And the more that you do this, the more that your brain will see, oh, the sky isn’t falling when I don’t work. Like, it’s okay when I don’t clean the kitchen on the weekend, or when I relax and I watch a show instead of doing more housework or if I let the laundry sit, it’s totally fine. And the more your brain sees evidence for that, the easier it will be for your brain to do more of it. So if you are going on this journey, or you want to go on this journey, first of all, I definitely recommend coming inside, the Mom On Purpose Membership over at momonpurpose.com/coaching and getting some tools to help you with this.

As well as that added accountability and coaching from me, I’ve gone through it. I am trained on these tools and it is just such a gift worth giving to yourself and to your family. But I also want to suggest that you stop telling yourself you are a certain way and start identifying as who you want to be. So instead of saying, this is just the way that I am, I’m so type A, I’m so alpha female, I’m so career-driven, start to shift the way that you think about yourself. Tell yourself I have a type a side of me and every day I’m becoming more calm or I’m becoming more patient, or I’m becoming more easygoing. Or every day I’m increasing my capacity to rest and just chill. Like find an identity that works for you and put it at the end of every day, I’m becoming more.

Now, eventually you will shift into I am this person, but at least this is a start to break you from thinking that you have to be in that go, go, go type a alpha female energy indefinitely into the future. Because the more that you think that, the more you’ll create that. So start with the identity work and you can do the body work. You can practice 10 minutes of silence. Now, this is why I love kind of the the coaching and community we have in the membership because doing this unsupported is challenging because you don’t have someone cheering you on saying it’s okay if it felt uncomfortable, of course it felt uncomfortable. That’s just part of it. And so I definitely encourage you to get a coach, even if it’s not me. If it is me, I will be happy to help you on this journey.

I have lots of women going on it right now. And it’s just such, a fun one for me as a coach and mentor and teacher because, I’ve been there and, and I don’t know, I just didn’t hear a lot of people talking about this before. And it has been really a dream come true because I see the shift so drastically. Like, I love not working. I love just letting the laundry go. I love just hanging out with my family. I love doing less. I love connecting with my kids. I’m able to stay calm when it’s just absolute chaos, in my, in my life when the kids are melting down or having tantrums or any of that. And so it has just served me in so many different ways. I think it makes me a better, a better spouse, a better wife, a better mom, a better friend.And you know, I love growing and expansion and I really think it’s expanded who I am as a person. And I just, I just didn’t know or think or believe that was possible. So my friend from my heart to yours, if you don’t think it’s possible and you want to relax more and you want to slow down and you don’t want to let the laundry bother you, I promise you that is available to you. I’ve done it myself. I have tools that can help. If this is something you desire, it is a desire worth paying attention to and doing the work to get there. You can do it, my friend. Alright, with that, I will talk with you next week. Take care.

Thank you for being here and listening. Now, head on over to momonpurpose.com/coaching to learn more about the Mom On Purpose Membership, where we take all of this work to the next level.