From Pressure To Presence (Part 1): The Real Reason You Experience Friction In Motherhood

Welcome to Mom On Purpose, where it’s all about helping moms overcome challenges and live their best lives. My hope is by being here, you are more inspired to become the mom you are made to be. I’m Natalie, your host, a wife, boy, mom, dog mama, Chicagoan, and former lawyer turned professionally certified coach. If you’re here to grow, I can help. Let’s go.

Hello, my beautiful friends. Welcome back to the podcast, or if you are new, welcome here for the very first time. Today I am doing something different. I am starting a three part series called From Pressure to Presence. I am going to be diving into the real reason you experience friction in motherhood, which is today’s episode. And then in the next two episodes I’m going to be talking about why we tend to focus on getting more done and how that creates disconnection with our kids.

And so there’s this contrast between productivity and connection and as high achievers, it’s something that’s consistently on our minds and I’m going to offer you a solution to that. And then in the third episode, I am going to share with you the ways that I’ve been able to change how I show up in a much more empowered, confident, connected way as a high achieving mom, but one who embraces the, and both of it, not the either or. So I don’t feel like I am off balance or like I have the pressure to do it all, or like I’m fueled by mom guilt or comparison. I truly do believe that I’ve been able to utilize these positive psychology tools to make an impact on the way that I show up and show up as the mom I want to be. So that’s what the last episode is going to be all about.

All about my story and examples from my life because I find that to be really helpful from teachers that I listen to as well. So with that, let’s dive in to today’s episode, which is the real reason you experience friction in motherhood. I do think that on default motherhood today kind of comes with just so much pressure. And it’s not that the pressure actually comes from motherhood, it’s just that the narrative that we are taught creates the pressure. So you end up doing everything you can for your family, but instead of feeling fulfilled or joyful or delighted or happy or positive, you often feel stressed or guilty or disconnected or spread too thin. I mean, I was just at school drop off the other day and you know, one of the moms was joking, like jokingly saying, you know, enjoy your few hours, like as if it wasn’t enough.

And I hear that often and obviously we see it on social media. And I think too that just reaffirms this sense of like, there’s not enough time. You’re spread too thin, you have so much you want to do, not enough time to do it. And I know that, you know, not just from my experience, but you know, the thousands of clients who I’ve helped navigate motherhood and navigate these challenges that come up. It presents and results in, you know, this kind of low grade worrying and stress and doubting every decision and lying awake at night, kind of having those racing thoughts. And if that is you, I just want you to know there’s just absolutely nothing wrong with you. I do think that the way modern motherhood is presented is ripe for this. It’s more common than not that you will feel the pressure to do it all spread too thin, like everything is on your shoulders than the opposite.

However, just because it’s the default way and the norm doesn’t mean it has to continue to be like that. And in today’s episode I want to explain to you kind of the real brain-based reason that this happens. And then you’ll know kind of the root cause of it. And you need to know the root cause of it in order to actually solve it. Because if you think that the problem is, for example, the number of activities your kids are in, well then you might question those activities and try to change that circumstance. And I’m obviously just giving this as an example. So you have to know the root cause in order to get to the real solution. And it’s not your kids’ activities, it’s not their school, it’s not your work schedule, it’s not the number of hours that you work or don’t work. It’s not, any of those things in your circumstances.

It’s actually your brain’s number one job to look and scan for what’s wrong. And this is the way that your brain is wired. All of our healthy human brains are wired this way. Your brain is wired for survival. This means that it will constantly look for danger. And psychologists call this the negativity bias. Now this is obviously a really good thing when we’re actually in danger. However, in modern motherhood, it shows up in so many ways that are unhelpful. So it’s worrying nonstop about your kids’ challenges because it feels dangerous. Now, you might not use the word like this is dangerous, this phrase, however, that’s kind of what’s happening. You’re in this heightened nervous system state because of what’s going on with your child because of the way that your brain is fixated on it. And it might not be that. It might be, you know, something with work for you or it might be a diagnosis.

I remember when my third son Jack was first having foods and he has a lot of food allergies and this sort of happened with my brain as soon as those allergies presented, my nervous system really was like, this is bad, this is dangerous. And I was just really fixated on this challenge and it felt overwhelming and I didn’t want him to have this challenge. I’m sure you’ve been there before. When your kids have challenges you don’t want them to have, it makes it even worse and harder and then you end up overthinking it, right? You are over researching, over, you know, asking other people. You are overthinking the smallest decisions. It doesn’t matter. You know what it is, it feels really big. And sometimes they are “big decisions”. Sometimes they’re not. The point is that you find yourself overthinking. And the reason for this is because of the brain’s survival mechanism.

I just want you to remember this, my friend. Your brain is wired for survival. It is not wired for happiness. So it is not a mystery why it is challenging to just feel delight and, and relaxation and joy and connection. It is available to you, but it’s not a mystery why that isn’t the default. The default brain is wired for survival. It’s not wired for happiness. And what that means is it’s wired to scan for what’s wrong. It’s wired to overthink, it’s wired to make sure that it avoids pain, it avoids danger. And because you are not being attacked because you are not in something else, it might be your home or your spouse’s job, it could be something big. It’s not that it’s trivial, but it’s not life threatening and dangerous the way that your brain will think it is. So if you are staying up late at night worrying about your kids’ challenges or what you have going on at work or you know how it’s going in your marriage or anything like that, that’s the kind of mental chatter that I am talking about that will rob you of joy and peace and connection in motherhood.

It can feel like a very small thing as it’s happening, but it’s actually a very big thing because it impacts your daily ability to enjoy your life. And it’s pervasive. So it’s not like you just have those thoughts and, you know, worry or overthink, you know, once a week or once a month. It’s kinda like that low grade negativity or low grade worry or low grade negative thinking consistently like every day or at the end of the day kind of preparing for the next day. It could even be that where your brain is in overdrive and it seems like it’s because of modern motherhood and the way that it’s set up externally, but it’s actually because of your brain’s default wiring. It is wired to focus on what’s wrong. And on top of that, you will likely find yourself comparing yourself to others.

And this is also a survival mechanism, but like a different part. This part is wired specifically to make sure that you are included because evolutionarily exclusion meant death. So it was really important for your brain to get good at scanning your peer group to make sure that you were capable enough, good enough, not going to be excluded. The problem quite obviously in today’s world is that exclusion is harmless and your brain doesn’t know that. So on default, meaning automatically your brain is going to compare your way of doing it to other moms ways of doing it. It might be your neighbors, literally. It might be the moms on social media. It might be the moms from school, it might be the moms, you know, in your group chat. Doesn’t really matter what your version of that is. Your brain can’t help itself. Part of that survival wiring is to pay attention to how other moms do it and then see if you measure up or how you measure up.

And this is just really important to know. So the root cause isn’t that, you know, someone else is doing it better or worse than you. The reason that you fall into that comparison trap is because of the survival wiring of the brain and how important it perceives being included to be. And when you understand this, you understand how this is just part of the default wiring of your human brain. And then you can change it. You can reprogram your brain to think in a much more helpful, supportive way. Another way that this presents is when you are, let’s say, walking into your kitchen after bedtime and you see a mess and you just have this thought, I’ll never get it all done. And then you feel bad about yourself and you think something’s wrong with you. And this is the part of the brain where you find yourself going into scarcity, into not enough thinking.

You know, you might not explicitly say like, I know for myself, I don’t explicitly say like I’m not good enough, but when I walk into a kitchen and it’s really messy, there’s this sense of like, something is wrong. I should be able to do it all, even if I’m not articulating it verbally in that way or, and even to myself, there is a little bit of heaviness, a little bit of pressure, a little bit of like, you know, there’s gotta be a different way, a way where I do a better job. IE I’m not good enough. And this part of the brain, this not enoughness, shows up again constantly, even if it’s in different ways. I remember when I had my first son, I have three boys, if you are brand new here. And I would think thoughts like, is he sleeping enough? He’s not sleeping enough.

Am I doing enough? Is he eating enough? Is he growing enough? Is he measuring up enough? And you know, really having to do this thought work, this mindset work, this mind management around the way that I related to my kids’ journeys, their challenges and what was going on for them so that I was able to show up with connection and love and confidence. And when there were challenges, I could show up in that way instead of being fueled by worry because when I showed up fueled by worry, it was actually not helpful for my child. And that’s the part that I think we miss. We think like worry is responsible and worry is helpful and we should worry about our kids. And really worry feels responsible, but it’s entirely unhelpful. You can help your kids through their challenges and I encourage you to do so.

I mean, you’re listening to this podcast. I know that you’re a mom who wants to help her kids through their challenges, but when you do it through worry, it makes it worse for them. They can pick up on that and it creates more disconnection and they’re going to want to hide more from you. And also it doesn’t help you actually problem solve in a way that is sustainable long-term without enormous overwhelm and burnout. And again, pressure. Like if you feel the pressure to do it all, you know, it would be like when my son was first exposed to all these nuts and having these allergies, if I took it on and I had these thoughts like, oh my gosh, now I have to become an allergist, basically. Like if I took it on to become an allergist, as a side hustle, I’m, I’m joking in a sense, but you know what I mean, I knew that it would consume me and I realized that is not helpful.

I can support my son and I can help him navigate this challenge. But it’s, it’s his challenge and he’s supposed to have this challenge. And again, not to abdicate anything from myself, but instead not to carry so much of the pressure because you know, you’re a high achiever like me if you’re listening to this and there’s like a spectrum, right on one end we are overly responsible. We are taking on too much. We are feeling the pressure to do everything for everyone, always that hyper responsibility. And you know, on the far end of the spectrum is the opposite, where we’re irresponsible and we’re apathetic and we don’t do anything. And I am very confident to this date. I have never had a client in any of my programs or working with me one-to-one or anything like that who falls on that end of the spectrum.

They’re just not listening to this. So I know you, you are at least, you know, in the middle or on the other end of the spectrum, and most of you are on the other end of the spectrum. That’s where I was. I resonated with being highly responsible and hyper responsible and I am still responsible, but there’s a point at which right, it’s the tipping point where we cross over into controlling and worrying and, and feeling the weight of the world and thinking like we’re just more powerful than we actually are. So without getting too far off on a tangent here, I want to bring it back to thinking about if you’re taking on too much and feeling the weight of the world and how that is actually very problematic because your day-to-day experience of motherhood matters. It matters for you, but it also matters for your kids.

So if you’re carrying all of this and your mind is racing and you know you’re not managing your mind, then that is going to come through in the way that you connect with your kids. And I know you care deeply about connection with your kids and the way to be able to be more present and connect with them and be more joyful and playful and have more fun and really create a memorable childhood for your kids. And a memorable motherhood experience for you is to manage your brain so that it doesn’t focus on the negative so that it feels like you’re doing a good enough job so that it stays out of the comparison trap. And that is going to help you really kind of reduce the pressure that you feel and enable you to just be more present with yourself, with your family, with your spouse, and just in your life.

So my friend, think about where you are experiencing friction in motherhood. For example, you want to be calm and patient in the morning, but you find yourself snapping when your kids won’t put their shoes on. You’re already running late and you notice, okay, this isn’t fun. I am rushing around. I have a lot to do today. We have a lot to do today. We’re always late. And you tried extra hard, you even got up a little bit earlier today. And again, your kids aren’t listening to you and you snap and this isn’t every day, but it’s more days than you’d like to admit. And if you take a step back and just think about that compounded over time, the reason that you’re not able to stay calm and patient is because of what’s happening in your brain in those circumstances. So the good news is that your circumstances don’t have to change.

Your kids don’t have to magically become, you know, obedient 100% of the time and excellent listeners and kind of, you know, unicorn children who don’t exist because we actually want them to test boundaries and be kids. And yet in the day to day, like how does that work? And that’s the work that we’re doing here, really. It’s like I am helping you with the inner work using positive psychology tools, tools to help you rewire your brain so that you can show up calm and patient and even firm and warmhearted and loving, but firm as well if you need to hold a boundary or help your kids get on shoes. We do so much of this work inside the Mom On Purpose Membership with the Parenting Tools and the Motherhood Tools so that you can really show up as the mom you want to be. Because again, on default friction is going to present in these little micro examples and compound it over time.

It’s really going to rob you of the experience that you genuinely deserve to have in motherhood. And before you know it, it’s like years have gone by and it’s like, wait a minute, I don’t feel that connection with my kids that I either once had or just that I want to have. Another example that comes up often is with playtime. So wanting to play with your kids, but you know, when it comes time to do that or when you finally carve out the time your mind is spinning with to-dos the grocery list work, laundry, or you’re interrupted and you know, after it, it just doesn’t feel like you experienced the playtime, the enjoyment, the connection that you wanted to, that’s like a little bit of friction in motherhood and it’s not coming from, you know, changing your calendar or putting your phone in the other room.

Like yes, those are little hacks that you can do, little different actions that you can try, but even if you do that perfectly, you still have what’s going on in your mind. So if you are thinking about what’s happening later or what just happened on an email that you just read or a phone call you just had, that part is the most important part because you take your brain with you wherever you go. And if you can nail down the skill of thought management, oh my goodness, I don’t think there’s a greater skill to have as a mom in motherhood. It is the one that I use the most. It is the most empowering. It is not toxic positivity. It’s not saying, oh yeah, this is just so great and now I’m present and I don’t have to think about work. It’s, I am going to choose my thoughts intentionally.

I am going to take a look at the thoughts that I have when I’m playing with my kids, and I’m going to choose better feeling thoughts ahead of time out of the moment and practice those thoughts so that when I sit with my kids and play with them, even if playing isn’t my most favorite thing, I still enjoy being with them and I enjoy their presence. And most importantly, my mind isn’t spinning. So I can pick up on these little moments, these little micro instances where my kids laugh or they make a funny joke, or we have this now inside joke that we just created from the banter back and forth that I would’ve completely missed if I was zoned out or daydreaming or thinking about an email and that compounded over time is like, I don’t know, is so amazing. It’s like one of the best gifts you can give to your kids, like the ability to just be present with them.

It really is about quality, not quantity. And I know people want like, how much time should I spend with my kids? Or one-to-one time or play time or whatever it is, right? You can do that for yourself for sure. But more important than that in my opinion, is quality. It’s quality time with your kids and you can only be responsible for your side of the street, right? Because your kids are going to be your kids. And from time to time, maybe daily depends what season of life they’re in and you’re in and your family’s in. They’re going to have their emotions. But the good news is when you do this work, you can actually feel incredibly connected to them even when they’re having big feelings or they’re going through something. I mean, I use this example often, but just think about when you’re going through something and you know you’re having a hard time and you’re kind of upset and you call a friend a girlfriend and she’s there for you and you can talk about it with her.

That is so connecting. Like you hang up the phone afterwards and you feel connected to her. And it wasn’t that you both were just happy and laughing about something joyful. So I think sometimes we kind of have this false idea about what connection has to look like and it’s just not true. Connection is about presence, it’s about respect, it’s about seeing the other person where they’re at. So why do I bring this up? Because you’re going to do this work and your kids are still going to be them. And if they’re having a hard time, you can still do this work of managing your brain so that you feel connected and present so that you don’t have a racing mind. So that you not thinking about a million to-dos and the mental load and the negative thoughts about yourself or about work or about could be better, or the comparison trap, you know, the house is a mess.

When you clean up those thoughts, then you can create connection regardless of what’s going on with your kids. So think about where you are experiencing friction in motherhood, specifically in your everyday life. What are your thoughts about that area of your life? Most likely you will have negative thoughts, otherwise there wouldn’t be friction. And doing thought work, doing the inner work of managing your mind, knowing how to identify thoughts, become aware of your thoughts, change your thoughts, is the life-changing skill of reducing friction in motherhood. Not because you then learn how to think positively about a negative circumstance, but instead you see a circumstance just as it is without any judgment. And you can look at it curiously from a place of connection and acceptance and the friction just kind of melts away. So let me give you an example. If you are struggling at bedtime with the bedtime routine, with the house, with the to-dos with your kids, and it feels like you can’t show up as the mom who you want to be, you feel exhausted, you have a racing mind, your kids are kind of, you know, being kids, witching hour problems and you want to show up calm and patient and connected, but you just don’t see how that’s possible, okay?

There’s friction there. Things are one way and you kind of want them to be another way. What are your thoughts during nighttime? Just slow it down without any judgment. Take a look at those thoughts. Maybe those thoughts are something like, my kids are not listening to me, they’re so rambunctious, I’m so tired, this should be easier. I have so much to do. What about that email I just got from work? I hope that doesn’t happen at work. Oh yeah, I gotta pick up bread and milk. I forgot my husband was supposed to stop at the store and then he got called into something else and now when am I going to go? I don’t have time. Oh yeah, I have to do this thing for my kid’s school. And your mind is just like kind of spiraling, not even in a negative way, not like a negative spiral.

Like we, we talk about, I’m talking about just slipping into other thoughts that are all kind of negative. You wouldn’t describe yourself as a negative person most likely. Most of the time my clients don’t. And yet when we take a look at their thoughts, the reason that they feel the negative emotion they’re experiencing is because of those thoughts that are kind of like low grade negative thoughts. And you just start by doing thought work. You look at one thought at a time and you change that thought. That’s the work we do inside the Mom On Purpose Membership. That’s where I coach my clients. You can learn all about it over at momonpurpose.com/coaching. There are hundreds of moms inside. It’s truly life changing work because you can have the exact same circumstance. Kids are still being kids at bedtime, you’re still getting notifications. Husband’s still, you know, husband work’s still work, life is still life, home is still home.

But you feel different. You feel like you are connected to your family, to your work, to your home. It’s not kinda like a rainbows and daisies insofar as it’s not your kids all of a sudden, you know, listen to you and do what you say and they’re happy all of the time. It’s not that it’s, you’ve changed internally. You know how to manage your brain so that it’s not scanning for what’s wrong. You know how to redirect it and kind of put that white noise on in your brain and say, okay brain, we’re not doing that right now. We are doing time with kids. Brain, I did enough today. It’s totally fine. We’re not going to starve. I’m going to figure out bread and milk. It’s not a problem. And you learn how to talk back to your brain, but you do this out of the moment.

I like to think about it like the gym or any other type of exercise that you do. You do the work consistently. As long as you have a healthy human body because you want to take care of your body or showering and brushing your teeth, it’s never done. Not in the way of like college, right? We go to college for four years or longer, seven years, right? So most eight years longer than that. But it’s complete after a certain amount of time doing a thought work and mindset work. And you know, just managing your mind around your circumstances, managing your default brain so that it’s not coming from scarcity and not enoughness. That’s a skill. It is a life-changing skill. It has changed my life forever and it has reduced the friction in motherhood for me. 10 x, there’s no way I would’ve been able to have three kids and three years and, you know, be able to build a, you know, multiple six figure coaching practice and have a great family and marriage and life.

But for these tools, 100%. And I think that’s why I’m so passionate about them because I feel like they’re the secret to a happy motherhood. And it sounds kind of cliche, but it’s very, very real and it’s been real in my life and in my client’s lives. And so start doing the thought work. Come inside the Mom On Purpose membership and start practicing it and you will reduce friction in motherhood. That’s what I have for you in today’s episode. In the next episode of this series, I’m going to talk more about connection and how productivity can actually get in the way of it. So stay tuned for that. I will talk with you next week. Take care.

Thank you for being here and listening. Now head on over to momonpurpose.com/coaching to learn more about the Mom On Purpose Membership, where we take all of this work to the next level.