Resentment In Marriage And Feeling Stuck

Welcome to Mom On Purpose, where it’s all about helping moms overcome challenges and live their best lives. My hope is by being here, you are more inspired to become the mom you are made to be. I’m Natalie, your host, a wife, boy, mom, dog mama, Chicagoan, and former lawyer turned professionally certified coach. If you’re here to grow, I can help. Let’s go.

Hello, my beautiful friends. How are you? I hope you are enjoying this month’s topic on really connecting with your spouse and using the tools to take wherever you’re at and just make it better. It’s not about there being a huge problem and having the marriage just be in shambles. It’s okay. Maybe there’s a little bit of friction there, a little bit of resentment and you want to clean things up and make it that much better. That’s what we’re doing inside the Mom On Purpose Membership with Marriage Reset, 10 Outta 10 recommend that you join right now in July so you can get that course it is available to you as long as you join in July and you can take it right away.

And I give you specific tools for you to start working on making your marriage that much better given where you’re at, increasing connection, increasing intimacy, just really making it a 10 outta 10 versus kind of letting those low grade negative emotions take over. Feelings of resentment, feelings of discontent, feelings of roommate syndrome, whatever it is, cleaning all of that up and making it really the best marriage better than you have possibly given yourself permission to believe is possible. With that, I am answering a caller’s question today about resentment in marriage and you’ll hear how she feels stuck and at this transition in her life with her kids and her family and wanting to, you know, make new decisions and find a new purpose and believe that she’s capable given, you know, her role has primarily been taking care of her kids for a while and wanting to shift that and what that looks like.

And right now she’s fueled by resentment, which she wants to clean up obviously. So as a reminder, you can always call into the podcast hotline. It’s 833-3AskNat. That’s 833-327- 5628. I see all of the calls that come in, so it’s not a problem at all if you want to call and leave a message and call back and leave another message because the system will link them together based on your phone number. So with this caller, you will see that at the one minute mark, it drops off. And that’s just because the system for the number, without getting too much into the tech, only allows for a one minute voicemail. I have tried to get it extended, it just doesn’t work that way. So you can always call 833-3AskNat 833-327-5628, leave a minute voicemail and if you call back and just continue or you can say you’ll continue and I will edit it so it’s together.

That’s a fantastic way to do it because it’s really, you know, tech savvy and it shows your phone number and it links them together. So if you call back, it’s not going to get, you know, lost into the abyss or something like that. So all that is to say you will hear this message, I thought it was really amazing, so I wanted to include it, but you will hear it sort of end abruptly, but that’s after the one minute mark and then there’s plenty for me to coach on and I think it’ll be really powerful for so many of you because it’s something I coach on a lot. Okay, let’s dive in. “Hey Nat, I’m struggling with resentment towards my husband. I feel like he has made it to the point in his career that he is seen a lot of success and opportunities regarding his position, his pay bonuses he’s recognized on different board of directors. Anyway, I’ve been the backbone of the family raising kids and having a little bit of supplemental, um, money here and there. But um, now my kids are old enough, I am really craving something else for myself and I feel stuck in not being able to make big changes that my husband is able to, um, because he is the primary provider, I don’t feel like I have a lot of power to make a decision like, hey, we are going to go build a house.”

So the voicemail cuts off there, but you can feel it, right? You know where she is going and so do I. You may have experienced something like this or maybe it’s a little bit different situation, but you are feeling some resentment if that is you, whether it’s towards his job, his freedom, his ability to make financial decisions or otherwise you are definitely not alone and more importantly, you are not wrong for feeling this way. I think this is something we don’t talk about enough. We’re told to be grateful to focus on the kids, to support our husbands, to find joy in the simple moments. And all of those things are beautiful and useful, but you can start to feel stuck inside them if you use these sayings and beliefs against yourself so you can love your family deeply and still find yourself in a transition.

And that’s exactly what this member of the community is feeling. So both things can be true and I think this is actually just a natural part of our own growth. I coach a lot of moms who are empty nesters who experience the transition from having their purpose be focused on their kids to wanting to create a new purpose in the next chapter. It’s all the same. It’s just with like a different outfit on a different flavor, a different color, nail polish. It’s, you know, it doesn’t really matter what time it’s at, whether it’s when you’re an empty nester or whether it’s when your kids go to school or whether it’s just a personal decision, but it’s a very normal to want something different, to have a transition period and to redefine what that looks like for you. What I want to start off with though is talking about the dynamics behind resentment.

So resentment is an emotion and emotions as you know, don’t come from circumstances. They come from our thoughts. In this case specifically, it’s not your husband’s success that’s creating resentment. It is what your brain is making it mean. So it might sound like he gets to have his dream and I don’t, he controls the finances, so I don’t have a say, I’ve sacrificed so much for this family and you know, now I feel invisible. He has the power and I don’t, or I’m just here. That creates the feeling of stuckness because it’s falsely believing that you don’t have options because somewhere along the way you started to believe that because your husband is making certain decisions including what to do with the money and to what extent that meant that you can’t. I want to go back to something you said, I’ve been the backbone of the family.

Yes, my friend, you have, and I want you to stop here and honor that and own it in like a really positive way, almost like you’re your own cheerleader and biggest fan because I think we can tend to downplay that role. And this is because no one is putting us on boards and putting us, you know, at the top of the list for best mom award. And it’s not that we need that, but I think because in careers outside of the home, there typically are these, promotions and public ways of recognizing success. A lot of the career validation comes externally. So the work when you are staying home with your kids is to validate yourself so that you feel as successful and as accomplished by giving yourself that validation. It is not intuitive because what’s intuitive is to get the validation externally, but it is very simple and very effective.

And this is true as well for my retired clients who are in a different season of life. And also not getting that external validation. It’s not just specifically for navigating being a mom and not having that external validation. It’s anytime you are in a season of life where that external validation doesn’t come, it’s a growth opportunity for you to start validating yourself. And this is a skill that you can get so good at. The way that you talk about your husband’s success, I want you to talk about your own success raising these kids in the same way with the same conviction, really giving yourself the gold star that you feel like he’s getting externally for his career. It might seem a little bit unrelated, like, okay Natalie, let’s just get to the part where you help me get out of this resentment and make decisions so that I can feel empowered and make more money and all the things we will get to that.

But it starts with you celebrating what you’ve done for the past, how many years. That’s not small. Celebration is the feeling of abundance. I do this in the smallest ways. I’ll be saying like, I’m a really great mom. Did you see that new me meal I made? I’m working outta this new recipe book. Like for every little thing that I’m doing, I’m pumping myself up. Sometimes my husband’s like, okay, yeah, like, you know, like sometimes I just say it to myself other times I do say it to my family, not from a place of I’m better than you or from a place of, and you should be telling me I’m doing a good job. It’s genuinely from a place of I want to celebrate myself. Just like, you know, my husband might be celebrating him himself or we’re celebrating him for his career success. Even though I run my own coaching practice that you know is its own business, it is similar in the sense that there isn’t a boss over me or like a certain awards within this organization that I am winning.

And so for me as a mom and as a business owner, it’s really important for me that I give myself this validation because it, it keeps resentment at bay a little bit. If I feel really empowered and proud of the work that I’ve done that fuels me to where I’m going. So even though the work that you’ve done for the past however many years hasn’t brought in a paycheck, it is still really important work. And I don’t mean, you know, in the sense of like this is the most important work you can be doing and that should be enough sort of thing. I mean like in the sense that you should give yourself as much credit and praise for the work that you have done as you are seeing your husband get for his, you know, job and his career and the bonuses and the promotions and all of that.

I want you to feel as proud of the work that you’ve done. And I know it’s not coming from your kids. I know it’s not coming from your husband and I don’t think it needs to. Again, I think this is a growth journey that will be really powerful because as you said, you don’t feel like you have that power and in part it’s due to not seeing yourself as powerful, right? Society maybe sees someone who’s in their career and advancing really successfully as powerful. I want you to own your power instead of looking for it externally. I promise you this is related and it will make a really big impact on how you see yourself in your family. You are not powerless, you are not “the helper” in your family. You are the co-leader. And just because he is in charge of the finance department, let’s say, if we’re thinking about it in terms of a business analogy, doesn’t mean that it’s his money.

It’s you two running the business of your family together. It’s the family’s money. This is true, we know this. Get divorced, go to court. 50/50 my friends, okay, of course I hear you. It’s not always the case, but generally speaking, what I see is women who aren’t the financial providers of the family tend to think that because they’re not the ones, you know, bringing home the money, they have less power and it’s just not true. Even if your spouse says that it’s still not true, right? Think of going to a court of law and the judge is is not going to say, oh yeah, just because you know, he made the money all these years, that means you get nothing. That’s just not how it works. Nor should it. And what’s really important, why I’m bringing this up here, is because you have to step into believing that for yourself.

It will make a really big impact on you seeing this as a transition and a new beginning for you versus seeing it as something that your husband has that you can’t have. So I love to think about families as businesses that we are operating. So you and your husband are partners in operating this business. Every business has several departments including a finance department. Let’s say your husband is in charge of the finance department and maybe you’ve been in charge for the last however many years of operations, you’re in charge of the operations department. You come together and you have meetings and you discuss what’s going on in the finance department and what’s going on in the operations. It doesn’t mean that you have to switch roles if you don’t want to, but there is transparency, okay? Now this is obviously a very simplified version and maybe you haven’t had any of these conversations before.

What I want you to see, and what’s really going to be important for you here is for you to own that. That you are your spouse’s equal in terms of where the family is going. Now, I hope your husband wouldn’t just say, Hey, because I make the money, we’re just going to go and buy this new home, right? So in that same way, even if you were the one making the financial decisions or making the money, you wouldn’t say that either. Instead, it’s a conversation just like two business partners in a in an actual business are going to be in charge of different parts of the business. They’re going to have conversations about what they want to happen and what the goals are and and making decisions. And so something that might help you from an action standpoint feel more powerful is talking with your spouse and having regular meetings with him about what you’re doing in the family and the family goals and the decisions that you want to make for the family and what that looks like.

And you feeling like you are a partner, a real true partner who respects her husband and isn’t just going to unilaterally make decisions, but also isn’t going to say, okay, you’re like, you know, dad, who I have to ask for money because you’ve been the person who provides financially is so important for you. Okay? I see this a lot. It’s like, okay, because husband makes the money, we have to ask him for money. That is not how it works my friend, okay? Not in a relationship where you’re respecting each other and it’s too people who are managing and operating the ” business”, the family. Now that’s not to say I think there’s one right way to do it. I do believe in full transparency and I really strongly believe in getting out of, uh, one of you kind of acting like the parent, like a parent child dynamic.

And it’s not always just the husband and wife like we’re talking about here. It could be that the wife is the breadwinner and the husband is the one who acts more like the child or vice versa. I’m not even saying that you are acting like a child here, but do you feel like you have to ask him for money? Just notice that you step into that power that you have that will make all of the difference, my friend, because you are never stuck. And this brings me to agency. You have agency to think, feel, and act and do whatever you want. So does your husband. Think of both of you on the same team and you’ve used your agency to take care of your kids until they got a little bit older and now you’re probably still going to, but with a new purpose that you want to create.

What sort of results are you looking to create? I think this is a beautiful space to live in. I don’t think you have to have an answer like, oh yeah, I know I want to do X, Y, z, I know I want a job in corporate America, or I know I want to go back to school to become a physician, or I know I want to start a business like you don’t have to know. But I do think it’s important that you look towards the future using your agency. Like if anything was possible in the next five years, what would you create? Notice the victim mentality creeping in as well. The victim mentality sounds like he gets to do what he wants and I don’t, it’s feeling like you are at the effect of either him or your life and it’s just not true. Agency sounds like I’ve chosen to support my family in this way and primarily have my purpose be raising my kids for the last several years, and now I’m choosing to pursue something else because that’s what I want in my future.

And I don’t know what that looks like, but I know I have God-given agency to think, feel, and do whatever I want. And I love this family and I love my husband and I love my kids and we are a partnership and it might feel new or different or awkward as we change roles a little bit or as I take on a new and different role and that’s okay. Again, I love the analogy of thinking of a company because this happens a lot with leaders evolving and changing and growing. So thinking of yourself as a leader with your husband and noticing, okay, there’s something that he has that I’m desiring for myself and maybe it is with respect to making money and maybe it’s not, but taking that to show you what you are desiring is actually really helpful. Instead of having it fuel resentment, remember that resentment is, this isn’t fair.

He did this, he has something I want. I can’t have this very disempowering. And you even alluded to that with saying that you don’t feel like you have that power, you do have that power, my friend. You just have to feel it and act from it. This is the future self work that I do. When you act from who you want to become, the actions that you will take will be so much more aligned with the results that you want. So I want to leave you with a few journaling prompts that I think could be very powerful for you to uncover what desires you have, what you want your future to look like, and just challenge you to step into that next version of yourself who drops the resentment, feels even more connected in her marriage, into her family, and also is pursuing exactly what she wants.

Number one, what do I deeply desire that I haven’t allowed myself to pursue? Another way I like to ask this is, what is it that I really, really, really want? Number two, if I believed that I was the co-leader of my family and this was our money, what would I be doing differently? How would I be thinking differently? What emotions would fuel me and how would I be acting differently? What’s one small powerful step or decision that I can make this week to honor me? I also think there’s some beautiful work that you can do here with respect to increasing connection in your marriage alongside the personal development work that’s required for you to step into that next version of yourself who feels lit up and purposeful and in charge of her own life. I do think they’re kind of separate types of growth that will work well together if you do them together.

I definitely want to encourage you to do the Marriage Reset course inside the Mom On Purpose Membership, as well as those Self-Love and Purpose Tools that are inside there so you can really get the extra support that you’re looking for. And I would love to coach you, my friend, come on in, get coaching. You can also apply to private coaching that goes for anyone momonpurpose.com/support, and I would love to take this work deeper with you. Take care.

Thank you for being here and listening Now, head on over to momonpurpose.com/coaching to learn more about the Mom On Purpose Membership, where we take all of this work to the next level.