Mom Thoughts: I can’t handle this, this is too much, and one step forward and two steps back

Welcome to Mom On Purpose, where it’s all about helping moms overcome challenges and live their best lives. My hope is by being here, you are more inspired to become the mom you are made to be. I’m Natalie, your host, a wife, boy mom, dog mama, Chicagoan, and former lawyer turned professionally certified coach. If you’re here to grow, I can help. Let’s go.

Hello, my beautiful friends. How we doing today, April in Chicago. You know, it might as well be an entire topic of thought work in and of itself, because it is really cold here and, I always say it’s like so much easier for me to manage my mind around the winter months that are like actually in the winter, but when it’s, you know, very similar temps, but it’s, you know, mid to late April, it is so much harder for me to manage my mind around.

And I love doing thought work around the weather because it’s so neutral right? There’s no, there’s no baggage there, there’s no, attachment. There’s just the weather and then there are my thoughts about the weather. And so it can kind of be some low hanging fruit to do, I don’t know, thought work on if you want to get started with it, if you’re not really managing your thoughts, which is what we’re going to talk about today. So I hope you’re doing well. I’ve been thinking about motherhood and my capacity and just, I don’t know. I was watching a show recently where, it was I guess a reality show, right? So the couple is, is not,, actors. They, they just recently had a baby and they’re just like so overwhelmed, right? And it’s like the ratio is two to one and I was just thinking back to when it was Steve and I with Robert and then, you know, that’s two to one and now we are two to three, right?

Outnumbered and how that exponentially compounds like, it’s, it’s night and day. Like the things that I and we did and could do with one are so very different than what we do now, like a little example is, like little activities, right? So easy to take one kid to an activity versus like, I’m taking all three, right? And, same thing if you have a bigger age gap, right? Which I do not. And so three under five all really close together. It’s just different. But my capacity feels so big right now. I don’t feel overwhelmed, like this is too much. I don’t feel spread too thin. I’m really able to manage my life, my mind, enjoy it, take timeouts and vacations and also grow my business. And I really credit that to like having a clear purpose and priorities and then, right, it’s like a top of funnel.

It’s like that’s at the top and then it funnels down into all the daily decision making on my calendar in a very practical way. So I was thinking about, you know, my experience with Steve and then just Robert, obviously we added Henry and then Jack and, you know, in a short time. So it’s like in the last five years, my capacity has expanded so much. If you think of, I forget, is it Benjamin Hardy? I’m thinking of that book where, he says, like 10 x 10 x your 10 x is easier than two x, right? Let me look really quick. Yes, Benjamin Hardy and Dan Sullivan, 10 x is easier than two x. I haven’t read the book in a while, and it’s mostly about like business and leadership, but Benjamin Hardy does talk in that book about how he 10 XD in a very real way, his, his life with kids, through, I think through adoption as well.

I’m, I’m going to get the story wrong, but he went from like no kids to like six kids in a very, very short time. Anyways, that’s kind of how I feel. Even though mine wasn’t as dramatic as his, it really feels like I 10 xd my, my personal life and my family life. And in some ways, just like the title describes 10 x is easier than two x because you like have to be all in your capacity has to expand, you have to focus on it. You can’t be, like, I don’t know, doing all of these other things simultaneously. It’s like, oh, you’re going to have three kids in three years and two dogs and in a business it’s like you have to be really, really focused on what’s important to you. And because of that, it’s almost easier because you’re not even entertaining other things.

I don’t know. This is sort of a tangent, not even what we’re talking about today, but it’s just on my heart. I’m always thinking of you all and, and myself and my own experience and there’s nothing, I don’t know, particularly interesting or different about just having three kids in general, right? It’s very common to have two or three kids and yet what is different is the way that I manage my mind in motherhood. Like it is very unique. I have not met anyone, in my real life, definitely not, and like in my community, but also it’s, it’s rare. You really have to be familiar with coaching tools, the specific thought work tools that I’m trained in. And, relative to the number of moms out there it is a very, very small number. And so that is unique and different, and I want to always be persuading you on the benefit of that because your, your desires on your heart are made for you and your capacity to have those is directly related to your ability to manage stress, your ability to manage overwhelm, your ability to manage your mind.

And that’s what Mom On Purpose is all about, right? It’s increasing those skill sets, those abilities, and thus your capacity expands just as mine has. And, and I’m just always thinking about how to, to teach that to you in ways that are interesting and persuasive and helpful, obviously, first and foremost. So today, uh, let’s dive in. I want to talk with you about just mom thoughts, okay? That’s why I titled this mom thoughts. I just took three, uh, random thoughts that I heard in the last seven to 10 days, let’s say. And I want to dive into those thoughts and how unhelpful they are, but they’re not necessarily like the top three most, toxic thoughts, nor are they, more weighted in terms of unhelpful than other thoughts. So don’t necessarily just hang on to these thoughts, but just think about where you are experiencing friction in motherhood right now.

Like, where is that and what is your thought about it? Just what’s your one sentence thought? And the reason I picked these thoughts was actually very strategic because, I just heard them right kind of randomly, and I thought, oh, that’s so interesting. This person thinks that that’s a fact that they’re just like reporting the news today. Like the temperature is a high of 42 degrees in April in Chicago and like, that’s a fact, right? No thoughts are not facts, right? The weather is a fact. The number on the scale is a fact. The number of kids you have is a fact. Your, you know, relationship status, in terms of what you report on your tax returns is a fact, right? Because, you know, even relationship statuses that aren’t like documented somewhere, right? It just exists in your mind, right? A marriage has, a marriage contract.

So facts are different from thoughts. And why does this matter, right? Because it gives you permission to think anything. I’ll never forget where I was. I was working as a certified financial planner, building my sort of online business at the time. It was like about money and finance and, and online business and documenting my journey. And I was listening to a podcast and I heard the podcaster, it was Brooke Castillo. I heard her say that You can think anything you want. And I was like, what? What do you mean? You can think anything you want? And up until that point, I was thinking thoughts that I thought were just most likely the most true thoughts for me to think, but what I had no awareness of, and by the way, at that time I thought I was very aware I was an attorney, then I got my CFP, I was building online business very, you know, arguably like an at least easily intelligent human being, successful and, self-aware, listened to podcasts.

I thought I was so self-aware and I had never been introduced to thought work and managing my mind. Now, I had been introduced to, I don’t know what you want to call it, like maybe self-help books or self-help podcasts, personal development, podcasts, personal development books. But a lot of those are very,what do we want to say? Like motivational. They, they give you new thoughts that feel good when you’re reading them, kind of like going to a motivational talk. Like it feels inspiring because you’re borrowing the other person’s thoughts that is very different than learning how to manage your own mind. Because in order to continue feeling that way, you continue to need other people’s thoughts. And so what it does is it just shifts or shifted my brain that was focused on the negativity in my life or the problems in my life, and focused it on the positivity of what these authors or podcasters were saying, right?

And so the shift was from negative to positive, but it was still externally focused on other people’s thoughts. Are you with me? Or, and so I guess better, right? Better than being focused on the negative. However, it still makes me or made me externally focused on other people’s thoughts, why this is a problem. Because it makes you dependent on circumstances for how you feel, which really stinks. So let me ground this in a, in a motherhood example, if you find it difficult for you to be happy and joyful, and maybe I don’t know how, however you want to feel in an any given random Tuesday, Wednesday in the middle of the week, right? If you find it difficult to feel how you want to feel, happy, joyful motivated, productive because your kids are feeling, let’s say down, they’re having a really hard time, they’re having meltdowns, they’re pushing your buttons, whatever it is, then that is being emotionally dependent on your kids to feel better and you’re not doing something wrong.

This is like how we’re taught, right? Growing up, but it’s very, very unhelpful and creates like micro instability. I just made that up, but let’s go with it. Like micro instability in your moods. So if you wake up and you’re like, I’m going to have a great day, it’s going to be awesome, we’re going to do everything we set out to do, and I’m feeling good. The kids are healthy, like we’re going to get things going. Like I’m going to crush the day. Whatever. Like, you try to give yourself a little pep talk and then you go, you know, downstairs, or you know, whatever happens with your children and they’re biting or they say something to you like, “I hate you, mom”. Or one of them throws something at you or the other kid. It just doesn’t go like you thought it would. And you’re like, oh, see, I was trying to have a good day and now I just can’t.

Like, come on guys, right? That is a brain management problem. That is not a kid problem. That is not a parenting problem. That is 110% a brain management problem, okay? Because what’s happening there is that you are dependent on your kids behaving in a certain way for you to feel a certain way. Now, I’m not saying we’re going to go to the land of, oh my God, I’m so happy that you’re throwing things at your sister or my head. I’m so happy that you’re, frustrated and, having like the biggest meltdown ever for no apparent reason, right? That is all or nothing thinking another cognitive distortion. But in the middle there is you taking ownership of how you feel, creating intentional thoughts on purpose so that you can own your day and your mood regardless of what is happening on the outside. It is a superpower, my friends a super power because your thoughts create your feelings always.

And as I learned that one day as I was a CFP, just, oh my gosh, my mind just being blown. You can think anything. You can think anything. These tools have changed my life and like, gosh, more than anything else, it’s so hard to articulate. It’s really funny. Sometimes when I sign on a weight loss client who is not in the membership, but it’s, she’s working, you know, four or five figure investment with me, like at a very high level, I will give her access to the membership for the period of time that she’s, working with me one-to-one so that she can just get familiar with my thought work tools. And, you know, 9.9 times outta 10 that client decides to stay in the membership and pay after their one-to-one weight loss coaching time is over because like, in their words, right?

It’s like, oh my gosh, I didn’t even know what I didn’t know. I wasn’t aware of my thinking. And, you know, I’ll oftentimes I’ll just say it’s so life changing, and it’s one of those things that’s kind of hard to describe, but I’m trying to do my best here on the podcast so that you really see like the most common of circumstances, right? We all have the, the challenging moments in life and motherhood and marriage and all the things. It can feel so much lighter when you’re not dependent on those circumstances for you to be in a good mood. But your brain is wired for survival. It is not wired for happiness. And that’s what I want you to know. And so before this whole podcast turns into side notes, let me get back on track and talk with you about these specific thoughts, okay?

Your brain wired for survival means it’s going to scan for the negative. It’s going to say, oh, I need to clean that up. I need to pick that up. Why didn’t my husband do this? The kids are fighting again, this is a problem. Low grade negative thoughts that you cannot think and feel a positive emotion, okay? This is not gratitude. I know you’re grateful for your kids. You would not be listening to a podcast like this if you were not grateful for your kids. Of course, I’m talking about the thoughts about what you have to do in a day, the thoughts about what’s not enough, the thoughts about time, like those time scarcity thoughts. Those thoughts will feel like some sort of contraction, some sort of resistance, some sort of negative emotion. I’m specifically not naming it as an emotion because I just want you to start paying attention to how those thoughts feel in your body.

But it could be frustration, it could be irritation, it could be a little bit of self pity, it could be, overwhelm. It could be, you know, a variety, hundreds of different feeling words. But I just want you to notice like we are so in our heads, and I used to be the same way that directing your mind to your body to see how a thought feels is its own practice. And so sometimes it can be helpful to just notice, oh, this feels like a constriction. This feels tight, this feels like some sort of, negative emotion that I think is unhelpful from how I’m thinking. That’s huge. My friends huge. And so let’s just take a look at these three random thoughts. I think they’re all relatable. I definitely can relate to all three of them, even though I don’t think them anymore.

But if you can’t fill them in for your version of whatever this thought is, okay? A thought when you’re doing thought work should be short, okay? Because every single thought that you have creates a different feeling. So when you’re thinking thoughts, you will think, in tons of thoughts at a time, and there will be ands and buts and paragraphs, long of thoughts. But when you’re doing thought work, you’re examining your thoughts so that you can show up as the mom who you want to be. And so you want to just take one little thought, not, you know, 17 phrases in one long run on sentence, right? Not really 17, but typically it’ll be like ands and buts and three or four sentences all in one when I’m helping someone learn how to coach themselves. And so what I have to say, and what I want to share with you here is it’s gotta be a short phrase, okay?

So let’s just take, I can’t handle this. This could be a thought that you could easily think based on any season of life, really, but let’s just go with motherhood right now. You’ve got kids who knows, one of them is sick, another one’s having a problem in school, the whatever is going on in your life that you are thinking, I can’t handle this. It could be, you know, I coach moms who are at the stage of life where they are caring for aging parents as well as having kids at homes and at home, maybe at homes, maybe in multiple homes. But a lot of times it’s like I’m navigating aging parents and managing my home, and then I’m parenting my kids, and then I also have my career. And that’s a lot. And so a thought will come up like, I can’t handle this.

Okay? That is a thought. It’s not a fact. Now it doesn’t mean that you should invalidate yourself, right? Because what we want to go to is like, oh, I know, it’s just my thoughts, right? People will say that to me in the membership. It’s like, I know it’s just my thoughts. It’s like, but you don’t know it or else you would never choose it, right? And so your brain has so many thoughts right now that it doesn’t even realize our thoughts. It thinks are facts. And that’s just good to know, right? I, I like the more I do this work, the deeper it gets for me, the more I realize I’m like, oh, I don’t know. I’m not aware, okay? And, and that is actually very helpful. And I’m like, I hope I’m wrong about this thought.For my benefit, for my sake. And so I can’t handle, this is always a lie.

How do we know it’s a lie? Right? The answer is always because you are handling it. I can’t handle, this is not true. It’s just an untrue thought and it feels terrible. Everyone just think of that thought. I can’t handle this. Doesn’t it feel tight? It feels like a little bit overwhelming to me. It feels like a little bit like panic, like out of control. I know out of control is another thought, but I would say panic. Stress pressure, right? Any variety of thoughts I just gave or feelings I just gave you are all unhelpful. So I can’t handle this is just totally unhelpful, okay? And so what you want to do is tell yourself the truth. What is the truth about everything that you have taken on? Well, there’s nothing I have to do. Did you know that you do not have to care for your aging parents.

You do not have to parent your children. You do not have to stay married. You have god-given agency to think, feel, and act however you want. And sometimes when I say that, it’s a little bit triggering for people, they’re like, whoa. Like, what do you mean? Right? But I promise you, stick with me for a second. If you go to the extreme in your mind where you don’t have to do any of it, it’s actually very, very freeing. And it is the truth, right? Lots of people don’t, you know, do a very good job taking care of their kids. We see it all the time. We see it on the news, we hear about it. There’s stories about it. Like that’s a thing. Lots of people leave their families, lots of people get divorced, lots of people, you know, just leave and, and,make huge life changes.

And please don’t hear me saying like that divorce is a bad thing or anything. I’m just lumping this in with, you don’t have to stay married. You don’t have to, parent, you don’t have to take care of your aging kids. You don’t have to work. You know, there are lots of people who just don’t work. Now, you would say, okay, Natalie, I like sometimes for my high achieving mom clients, they’re like, I, I don’t even know what to make of that because it feels like I have to. But that’s the point is you have a thought, I have to handle this and I can’t handle this. But the truth is, you don’t, you don’t have to do anything. Isn’t that crazy? Like, you just, just sit where you’re sitting right now and just not get up. You don’t have to work. You could quit your job.

And the, the freedom that comes with this shift is that you’re actually doing what you want to be doing. You want to take care of your aging parents. You want to be working, even if it’s just for the paycheck to afford the lifestyle that you have. You want to, pay your mortgage and live in your house. You want to take care of your kids, right? That’s the truth you’re doing. Everyone is doing exactly what they want to be doing. These thoughts, my friends are so helpful and extraordinarily just freeing. Even if intellectually they say they don’t want to be doing it, they’re doing exactly what they want to be doing. You are doing exactly what you want to be doing. Now you can always change that. That’s where the empowerment comes in. It’s like whenever my brain would go to, I can’t handle this, I would just turn it around and say, oh, that’s a lie.

Of course I can handle this. How do I know? Because I am handling this. Now you can add in some validating thoughts. I’m handling this and it’s a lot harder than I thought. That thought can feel very, very helpful because a lot of times, especially like when I’m coaching, moms who are empty nesters and their kids are kinda just making life choices that they just didn’t anticipate or, just experiencing hardships or challenges that they just did not anticipate, you know, in their vision for their kids, in their mind, their brain goes to, I cannot handle this. Like, this is just too much. Like, I cannot handle this. And what I tell ’em is, you can’t handle this. How do I know? Because you are. And then they’ll say, but not very well. And I’ll say, yeah, but okay, like, and who’s the judge of that?

Like, you are judging it as not very, well, I’m not handling this very well, is another thought. And how does it feel when you think that thought? Probably pretty terrible. And so just a little micro shift, if you just think of turning kind of the, the steering wheel in a car or a boat, it’s just a little bit makes a huge difference in where you end up. And so you don’t have to have this thought of like, it’s so easy and this is exactly what I wanted for my kids. It’s like, that’s too big of a jump for your brain. Your brain is like, no, I really don’t want this. This is too much. I can’t handle this. Instead it’s, oh, I am handling this and it’s a lot harder than I thought. Okay, I guess I was wrong about what it looked like to raise adult kids.

Or if you have little ones like I do, it’s like, kinda the number of tantrums, and the number of, moments of dysregulation and the constant, uh, physical demands, right? Easily my brain could go to, I can’t handle this, but it really doesn’t because I manage my brain and I say, I am handling this and I can handle this. How do I know? Because that’s what I’m doing. And I add in like a validating thought. Like, and this is harder than I thought. Okay, well, I’m going to wish that I was stronger. Not that it was easier. Such a difference in my mindset because then I get stronger. Because here’s the truth. I’m not going to abandon my family. I’m not going to get divorced, I’m not going to leave my kids. I like my home and my dogs. I want to have all of this. But guess what it takes to have all of this?

Increasing your abilities to have it. You have to be able to manage stress, process overwhelm and overstimulation.Take on a lot. And if you don’t have those skills yet, you need to get them because your life will become too much for you and your brain, okay? When really it’s not, it’s just that you don’t have those skills to manage it. Do you see the difference there? It’s life changing. And so the same is true, and I kind of touched on this already with this is too much. Okay? Now this is why it’s so important for coaching, because I’m talking about these thoughts as if I know how they feel for you, but every single person feels a thought differently. And so you might think the thought this is too much and I’m going to say no to the activities, you know, the extra activities for my kids so that we have more time in our calendar.

In that case, the thought this is too much, is actually fine. It’s not a problem thought, but what I’m talking about here is this is too much as like a statement that you’re not going to do anything about. But if you’re going to do something about it, you’re like, this is too much. And so we’re not going to go on the trips. We’re going to downsize our house. I just want more freedom and margin to manage less. That thought could be very helpful, but if you’re thinking this is too much, but you’re not going to do anything about it, then the thought kind of perpetuates you feeling like you’re at the effect of your life. Instead, I want to empower you with mental and emotional tools to help you not just enjoy the life you have, but increase it and expand it. Like it’s just such a part of human nature to want more and to desire more.

So when my brain goes like, this is too much, I just tell myself, there’s no such thing as that. Like, what are we even talking about here, right? Do I want to do something? Do I want to make changes? That’s a very helpful question to ask. And the answer might be yes, but the thought for me, this is too much with respect to my life and everything in it, totally unhelpful, right? Because then it sort of also implies there’s like this onus on, I don’t know, my kids to behave differently so that I can feel better. And then I get into weird fix-it mode. Like, I want to change my kids, I want to get them more independent or on better routines and stuff. And it’s like, okay, that’s fine if you want to do that to help them build skills, but you don’t want to do that so that you can feel better, okay?

It’s just, a losing game. I coach a lot of women on this. And what happens is then you get frustrated when they’re not doing it perfectly, even though they did it perfectly once or twice before or frequently before. And the reason that you’re getting frustrated is because you actually are wanting that for them, for the wrong reasons. You want it so that you can feel better. And what I would love for you is for you to feel better by managing your mind and your emotions, and then teach your kids all the skills and independence that you want to teach them just so that you know they can have those skills and independence just because that’s kind of mom you want to be. But you’ve gotta separate out your emotions from what they’re doing. And it is hard, my friends, but it is a superpower. And I promise you just by looking at each thought that you have that is like, I don’t know, maybe the problematic thought in a certain circumstance, it will change your life.

Like you’ve got to do thought work and manage your mind, and it’s ongoing. It’s just like, it’s, it’s kinda like why I like to say the Mom On Purpose Membership is the mental and emotional gym because you’re really looking at your thoughts and you’re hearing moms getting coached every single week. And every single week I get messages like hearing the other mom get coached was so helpful for me. Like, even though, you know, I’m in a different circumstance, the the replays and the portal and on the private podcast are so easy. I can’t tell you. I just joined something that was very, very, very, very expensive, like a high five figure investment. And the portal is very disorganized and it’s hard for me to get around. I haven’t even figured out if there are replays, like I don’t know, definitely no private podcast.

And I’m like, wow, I need to just remind you all that I put a lot of thought and care into making sure this experience is excellent for you. I’m thinking about you listening in your commute or while you’re getting ready. That’s when I listen a lot of times on the private podcast or having the, the membership very, just clean and easy to find certain things, and the orientation just makes everything really, really easy. And because of that, our members stay for years. And I think it is something that I want you to know is available to you to get that weekly brain management, because I just don’t know how you navigate motherhood without brain management tools. It’s the reason why motherhood feels hard because of your brain. And so the these thoughts, I can’t handle this. This is too much, totally unhelpful, not true, going to feel terrible and unnecessary.

You just gotta throw out those thoughts, and that’s what you’re really like, that’s what this is about. You’re really like managing your primitive brain with your prefrontal brain. So your primitive brains like your lizard brain, your toddler brain, your I want it now brain. It’s wired to scan for, what’s wrong, to seek pleasure, to be efficient. And that prefrontal brain is the one in charge. The prefrontal brain is the one you want to be in charge. It’s the one that is slower, more thoughtful, makes you know, reasonable decisions that you want to make for your future. And you’ve got to apply that to how you want to feel about your life, whether it’s your kids, the day-to-day life, your job, your work, like whatever it is, managing your mind will change your life because it will change how you feel. And you’re never not feeling a feeling every single moment of every day you are feeling something.

Okay, last thought that I heard, kind of a different thought, but I thought it would be really helpful to throw in here because I heard it and it like stopped me in my tracks because it was so confronting to me. My brain would never think a thought like this. Never, okay? The thought was I get one step forward and then take two steps back. And the person who said this, like really believed it. And that’s the thing, your primitive brain is trying to just make sure you survive and get what you want, but it’s doing so in a really unhelpful way. Like, this thought is toxic, my friends. There is no upside to this thought ever. Even if it’s true, does not matter. Like tell me the benefit of thinking that thought. It will keep you so stuck in your goals in your life with your family does not matter.

And so you have to manage your brain and take ownership of the story that you want to tell. It could be as simple of a shift as, oh, okay, well I see we made a little bit of progress and now I’m seeing that we’re having a challenge here. Let’s see how we want to navigate this challenge and then expect there to be challenges. The problem with this thought is it’s a little bit laced in like self pity, right? Like there’s this undertone of like, this shouldn’t be happening. This isn’t fair you know, I don’t really know the full context here, but I just want you to try on the thought.

We’re going one step forward and two steps back. That is not helpful, right? And so, I just want you to pay attention to your thoughts and it’s hard to do because the brain,, is a prediction machine. And so it’s constantly trying to make predictions based on what it knows based on the past. And so to flex the muscle of intentionally creating better feeling thoughts is a life skill that you can learn and get exceptional at. And listening to weekly Mom group coaching is the way to manage your brain on an ongoing basis. And I would love, love, love to see you inside my friend momonpurpose.com/coaching. Take care.