Do the holidays feel like a whirlwind of to-do lists, stress, and pressure to get everything perfect? You’re not alone. As moms, we often take on the bulk of holiday planning—whether it’s finding the perfect gifts, hosting family gatherings, or making sure every tradition is just right. But instead of feeling joyful, the holidays can start to feel overwhelming and exhausting.
In this episode, I dive deep into how to shift your mindset and create a holiday season that’s not only manageable but enjoyable. I know what it’s like to want everything to go perfectly—to have the perfect tree, the perfect meal, the perfect holiday memories. But I also know the toll that perfectionism and stress can take on you and your family.
Tune in to discover my best tips for reducing holiday overwhelm, staying present with your loved ones, and making the season special without losing yourself in the process. This episode will help you let go of the need to do it all and instead embrace the magic of the holidays with less stress and more joy.
If you’re a mom, you’re in the right place. This is a space designed to help you overcome challenges and live your best life. I’d love for you to join me inside the Mom On Purpose Membership where we take this work to the next level.
Listen to the Full Episode:
Show Resources
- If you loved what you heard on the podcast, check out my Mom On Purpose Membership.
- Grab my free Podcast Directory for the best episodes to listen to, listed by category.
- Come find me on Instagram so we can connect.
- Download the top 20 tools to help you become the mom you want to be: 20 Mom Tools Guide.
- Sign up for the Mom On Purpose Weekly Newsletter to get a tool, tip, or resource sent to your inbox every Thursday.
- Call the Podcast Hotline here: 8-333-ASKNAT (833-327-5628)
Full Episode Transcript:
Welcome to Mom On Purpose, where it’s all about helping moms overcome challenges and live their best lives. My hope is by being here, you are more inspired to become the mom you are made to be. I’m Natalie, your host, a wife, boy, mom, dog, mama, Chicagoan, and former lawyer turned professionally certified coach. If you’re here to grow, I can help. Let’s go.
Hello, my beautiful friends. Welcome to the podcast where today we are talking about how to make the most out of the holidays. I love this topic because every single year it is an opportunity for me to do this work. I think the holidays are a container for anything that we have going on with respect to challenges in our relationships. It’s like putting a magnifying glass on them and also challenges with respect to our own organization and planning and perfectionism and just all of the tools that I teach and love.
I think that the holidays really provide that perfect container for doing this work. My, third son’s birthday is now a part of the holiday season. We celebrate Thanksgiving. My husband’s birthday is in mid-December, we also celebrate Christmas, and then my first son’s, my oldest son’s birthday is at the end of December. So within just over a month we have three birthdays between two of my sons and my husband and Thanksgiving and Christmas. And we have both sides of the family and all of the shopping and gift giving and meal prepping and birthday parties and decor and cakes and catering and holiday activities and things that we want to do as a family and seeing different sides of the family and navigating those challenges and schedules. And I do not do it perfectly by any means. However, because the holidays happen every single year and it is not a surprise when they come.
I kind of love it because it offers me an opportunity to do this work on an ongoing basis. And every year I learn so much about what worked and what didn’t work and what I want to try next year. Really small example of this is that for the last few years I’ve been using a Google Drive doc to organize all of the holidays and birthdays and putting down all of the decor and catering and cakes and, gifts and kind of to do items under each holiday and birthday. And that has worked really well and I continue to do that and that part of it is done almost months in advance. Like I do it little by little starting in the fall, early fall.But what I realized last year was that I hadn’t scheduled in time for me to gift wrap specifically with respect to Christmas.
And at the time I just had two kids and it was really busy and overwhelming and no childcare. And we got through it of course, and it’s fine a lot of late nights. But this year I realized that all I need to do is schedule in that time. And so I heavily rely on planning to get all of the things done that I want to get done. So I’m going to go through several of the tools that I recommend and suggest and kind of how to approach the holidays in a way that minimizes stress and overwhelm and also how to process those emotions when they come up. There was a question that prompted me to do this episode and I’m going to read it to you here.
Hi Natalie. I love the holidays, but every year I end up feeling completely overwhelmed with all the planning, cooking, organizing, gift giving, and hosting that I do. Last year I spent weeks planning a big holiday dinner only to feel exhausted and resentful by the time everyone arrived, I barely got to enjoy the day with my kids. How can I manage the stress this year and actually enjoy the holidays without losing my mind? So whether this is your question or you have a similar question or your holidays are like my holidays, I think there’s this underlying theme around the holidays that mom manages it all. And as part of that she needs to do everything for everyone always, which is a mindset I talk about that is like the kiss of death because it makes you give at your own expense, which means you don’t take care of yourself and it’s really depleting. And then I think without mind management and without planning and without knowing how to process emotions, the holidays are extraordinarily difficult. And on top of that, there’s this guilt because there’s this sense that they should be a time of joy and love and laughter and excitement and all of the things that we want to think about that are the holidays. So my hope with this episode is that you will get some tips that help you, get a handle on the holidays, get a handle on how you think about the holidays, get a handle on your planning so that you can have a more purposeful intentional holiday season. Let’s start off talking about perfectionism. What is perfectionism? My off the cuff definition is that you need everything to be a certain way in order to feel good about yourself.
I am someone who likes excellence. I like to have nice things. I like to do things at a high level that is different though than perfectionism. And that’s why I like my definition because it incorporates that second part, which is in order to feel good about yourself. So do you have to have things a certain way in order to feel like you’re doing a good job? A more formal definition that I got offline says that perfectionism is the tendency to set unrealistically high standards for yourself or others accompanied by a critical self-evaluation or fear of failure when those standards aren’t met, it often involves a belief that anything less than perfect is unacceptable, leading to excessive striving, fear of mistakes, procrastination and stress. Perfectionists may struggle to be satisfied with their achievements and are often overly concerned with the judgment and expectation of others. I love this definition and I think it really dovetails nicely with my definition, particularly when it talks about the judgment and expectation of others.
And the reason that as a perfectionist you would really care about that is because the meaning that you give to your own self-worth is determined by how “well” you are doing, and you get that evaluation from other people. So why is this relevant here? Because if you believe that in order to be a good mom, in order to be a good wife, in order to be a good homemaker or a good person, you have to go above and beyond and do level 10 for all of the holidays, all of the birthdays, all of the things, all of the meals, all of the hosting, and be at every single thing that everyone invites you to, then you will end up falling into perfectionism. If you make it mean that anything short of that means you’re not doing a good job. And so this is my invitation to you to separate out your worth and your internal goodness from the holidays.
This means that you are a really good mom and a really good person. Even if you don’t host Christmas dinner this year, or even if you say, no, you know what? Our family isn’t going to be at x, y, Z event this year that we normally all go to as a tradition, you have to be able to give yourself that self validation, telling yourself, I’m doing enough. I’m a good mom, I’m a good person inside, and there are just decisions to make and these decisions aren’t going to determine or impact my internal goodness. And this way you lighten up and you release the attachment to doing more, meaning that you are somehow better or good because a lot of times this is where the exhaustion and stress comes into play. So if you just think about the example from the person who wrote in, if you’re planning a big holiday dinner and stressing yourself out and making sure the decor is perfect and you know this is weeks where you are putting in effort that, there’s a little part of you that doesn’t want to be doing that and you’re not asking for help and no one else cares about it at the level that you care about it, even if they’re excited to get together and they’ve RSVP’d, yes, the effort that they’re putting in nowhere near matches yours, it’s just something to consider, is it worth it?
And what you can do instead is find creative ways to still host, to still show up and to do less to say, you know what? I’m going to put out a few candles and have the tree up and some stockings and that’s it. I did that this year actually. I decided, you know what? I’m having a baby this year and we’re going to make the decor simpler and easier. I do not want to stress about it. I do not want to think about it, and no one cares as much about it as I do. So I’m just going to put a few things up and that’s it. I like to think about myself as being a leader during the holidays, and that is a self-imposed role. And so I get to decide how much and to what extent I want to do instead of tying my worth to it. So I’m not thinking I need to have the most perfect birthday parties, the most perfect Thanksgiving and Christmas, the most perfect, you know, events in order to validate myself as a good person, a good wife, a good homemaker, a good mom.
I already know I’m good enough. And now what do I want to do for fun? I am all for traditions. I love traditions. However, I am also all for reevaluating every year. So this year with having another baby, I wanted to simplify and do less. I wanted to cut things that in another year I’ll probably do, and that makes complete sense, but I never made that mean something bad about me. And I think where we get into trouble is where we don’t consider what’s going on in our families and our lives in the given year. It might have been a harder year for you or it might be a harder season right now, or you might be struggling with a diagnosis or a career change or something else that is an added layer of stress for you. And if that’s the case, this is definitely my invitation to you to pull back on all that you’re doing during the holidays.
And this really goes to remembering that you don’t have to do any of it. You really don’t. And when you remember this, it’s helpful because you can then tell yourself, okay, what do I want to do? Like for me, I want my sons to have birthday cakes on their birthdays. I want there to be some gifts. I want there to be a little bit of decor. I want to celebrate Christmas and do the traditional wake up Santa, all the things baking. But I can do those at a level 10, a level five, a level three, a level seven, and I know the difference and it doesn’t make me a better wife or a better mom, whether it’s a level five or a level 10. So reminding yourself that you don’t have to do any of it, that you’re doing it because you want to, that is really helpful so that you can stop doing it so that you can do less, so that you can say no, so that you can ask for help without making it mean something about you.
I also want to mention here that we tend to connect over busyness and I would encourage you to just stop doing that. And what I mean by that is we connect with other moms about how busy we are and how overwhelmed we are, and it’s a connection point and it feels like there’s some vulnerability there. Like it feels like we’re having a shared experience. The problem is it has a negative impact on your own wellbeing. It’s unhelpful. It doesn’t feel good to think I’m so overwhelmed, I’m so busy. It feels good to think, oh my gosh, yeah, she is too. So we’re connected in that way, but I don’t think that’s worth it. I think instead just making a decision, I’m no longer going to identify as being busy or being overwhelmed is extraordinarily helpful for how you can approach the holidays. And then you’ll take a much more proactive approach with managing your feelings and managing your calendar. So don’t have busy and don’t have overwhelm as part of your identities. Instead, if those feelings come up from time to time, name them and process them and allow them, oh, I’m feeling some overwhelm. I’m going to process that overwhelm. Naming it gives you control over it, and then you can decide what you want to do. Do you need to plan better? Do you need to take a break? Do you need fill in the blank, identify your needs and give yourself what it is that you need.
I talked about briefly in the beginning of this episode how I plan and how I use a, Google Doc for making a massive list for the holidays, and then I put that list on my Google calendar and I do this well in advance. And this creates so much more ease, flexibility, and at the same time structure so that I am not feeling behind. I am not sort of, you know, putting out fires. And again, like I mentioned with respect to not planning gift wrapping last year, I have learned so much year after year and I do it a little bit differently every single year. And not because I think I have to, but I actually want to be this mom. I want to overdeliver on the holidays, but not at my own expense. So if it’s a year where we’re having a baby that I’m going to do a little bit less and that’s totally fine.
I don’t make that mean anything about me. So create a plan well in advance. Use Google Calendar, use Google Docs, put whatever the action items that you need to do on your list, and then put those list items on your calendar and schedule in downtime and self-care. This sounds so obvious, but I want you to check in with yourself. Are you scheduling enough downtime? Are you scheduling enough self-care? If the answer is no, ask yourself why you are always in charge of your time. If you are making a decision to have no self-care and no downtime on your calendar, it’s a great opportunity for you to learn what’s going on with yourself. Are you making it mean that in order to be a good enough mom, you have to say yes to everything that your kids want to do? And you have to fill your entire calendar with things to make the holidays more special for everyone else, even when it’s at your own expense?
Meaning even when you are emotionally and mentally depleted. And if that’s the case, then it’s really a relationship with self issue because you are thinking that you need to do all of these things in order to be good enough. And so practicing loving yourself, practicing self validation, practicing trusting yourself and liking yourself and just liking yourself without needing to do anything, without needing to perform to be good is such an important tool for you to work on. I truly believe this stems from us being told when we were really little, you’re a good girl. Anytime we performed well, it’s kind of like the old school, way of parenting where outcomes were validated and valued so much more than just internal goodness. And so what that taught us was the more I do, the better I am. And that means that as adults, this looks like trying to outrun your to-do list in order to be good enough trying to earn your rest.
You don’t need to earn your rest. You my friend, are a human being worthy of resting, of doing nothing. You are good just because you are here. No gifts or shopping or meal prepping or family holiday events are going to impact that. And as the leader of your family, if you want to do these things, do them. Just balance that with taking care of yourself. So instead of asking the question, how can I manage stress this year and actually enjoy the holidays without losing my mind, a better question is, how can I create the holiday experience for myself and my family that I want to create and still take care of myself? So I get to enjoy the fruits of my labor because it will require you to take care of yourself. I do want to mention that if you know you find yourself feeling stress or overwhelm, you can process those feelings without thought looping and having them take over and just be careful and mindful of your intentions that you set in the morning of your identity statements, of the thoughts that you think about yourself.
If you could write a movie title for this holiday season, what would that movie title be? Is it I just want to get through it to January? Or is it I’m so overwhelmed I can’t wait for this to be over? Or is it I can’t keep up and this isn’t fair? What would you say your default name of the holiday season is? And then get curious about that and change it, but change it to something else that is believable. So don’t change it to this is the most wonderful magical time of year if you don’t believe that. But something else might be very helpful for you and believable, like this time of year is the time for me to connect and enjoy the holidays with my family and to create the exact holiday experience that I want to for my family.
Or it might be something like every year during the holidays is an opportunity for me to learn and grow. Let’s go. You can play around with different titles, but come up with a title that serves you, that helps you show up as the mom, as the woman who you want to be. One last thing that I want to mention here is to watch for self-pity and the victim mentality. You’ve heard me talk about this before. This is one that my brain loves to go to. This isn’t fair, this shouldn’t be happening to me. Sort of like feeling like you’re at the effect of your life. So do you feel like you’re at the effect of the holiday season?
And if that’s true, you’re abdicating responsibility for how you feel to the holidays. Like the holidays are somehow causing your stress, the holidays aren’t causing your stress. The way you’re thinking about it is causing your stress. And you always have a choice. You can always change the story in your mind. I like to ask myself, how am I the hero of this story? Because the victim mentality is the opposite of that self-pity self-loathing is the opposite of that. And so ask yourself, how am I the hero of the holiday season? Not as an invitation to do more at your own expense, but if this was a movie and at the end was the end of the holiday season and the mom was able to show up for her family in a way that she was proud of, but more important than that, she was able to show up and take care of herself.
And it was a movie about character development and kind of like a blossoming, a becoming of this woman’s own transformation to love herself and to take care of herself and to be able to give to her family in a very genuine way. That my friends, is something to think about this holiday season. Happy holidays. I’m thinking of you. For those of you who are in the membership, continue to bring me your questions there and get that added support and accountability. I am doing this work right alongside you. I love the holidays for this reason. I think it’s such a good incubator for personal growth. So I’m looking forward to continuing to do the work with you, and I’ll talk with you next week. Take care.
Thank you for being here and listening. Now, head on over to momonpurpose.com/coaching to learn more about the Mom On Purpose Membership, where we take all of this work to the next level.
Enjoy the Show?
- Don’t miss an episode, follow the podcast on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
- If you haven’t already, leave a review in Apple Podcasts.