If you know me personally you know I’m a first-born, type-A, former attorney who is extroverted. The shadow of that is that I had a tendency towards yelling.

Fast forward to now, and my husband and I joke that I’m the calm parent. I’m truly proud of this because it wasn’t my default — it was a skill I had to learn. And in this post, I’m going to share exactly how I stay calm during tantrums as a mom of 3 kids under 5 years old.

*Get my Mini Course: How I Stay Calm During Tantrums With 3 Kids Under 5 Years Old

A Little Bit About My Background (As A Yeller)

My clients and students now can’t imagine me yelling, which is really just proof of the transformation and the work I’ve done.

But the truth is, I definitely used to yell.

It usually happened toward the end of the day. The dogs barking. A baby crying. My phone going off. One kid needing something. Another kid whining. And me trying to get something done. It would all become “too much” for my nervous system, and before I even realized what was happening… I was yelling.

Not my finest moment.

And yet, I still know I’m a good mom.

And you are, too — no matter how much you’re yelling right now.

Why Tantrums Are So Triggering

Tantrums are uniquely triggering because they make no logical sense.

You can be doing your absolute best as a mom — staying patient, being kind, trying to move the day along — and your toddler is just not having it. They’re upset because the banana broke. Because you opened the snack. Because you won’t let them climb the pantry shelves. Because you said it’s time to leave the park. Because you put their shoes on the “wrong” feet.

And if you’re a high-achieving mom, this is where it hits differently.

Because you’re used to logic.

You’re used to effort leading to results.

You’re used to solving problems.

So when your toddler is melting down and nothing you say is working, it can feel deeply frustrating — not because you’re a bad mom, but because your brain is wired for competence. You want to handle it well. You want to do it right. You want to fix it.

But tantrums can’t be fixed in the way your brain wants to fix them.

And that’s exactly why they can feel so triggering.

Why You Can’t Use Logic Or Willpower To Solve A Tantrum

You can be calm. You can explain it perfectly. You can offer options. You can try to reason. And your child can still be completely dysregulated and melting down anyway.

That’s because a tantrum isn’t a “thinking” moment — it’s an emotional overwhelm moment.

In a tantrum, your child’s brain is flooded. Their ability to access logic, perspective, and self-control is limited. They aren’t choosing to be irrational. They’re having a hard time regulating a big emotion with a still-developing skill set.

This is also why willpower doesn’t solve it.

Willpower sounds like: I just need to stay patient. I just need to be calm. I just need to not yell.

But if your nervous system is already tired, overstimulated, and holding a full day of demands, willpower isn’t a reliable strategy. It’s a short-term strategy that breaks the second you hit your own capacity.

The Solution: Stop Trying To “Fix” The Tantrum, And Learn How To Lead It From Calm

My life completely changed when I started using real psychology-backed tools to lead myself through tantrums.

And I want to be clear: these tools are doable, practical, and they are not “affirmations” or “just take a deep breath.”

They’re so much more than that.

Because when you have 3 kids under 5 years old, you don’t need a theory. You need something that works in real life. You need to be able to navigate the daily tantrums that happen — the ones in the car, the ones during dinner, the ones at bedtime, the ones when you’re already tired and you just want everyone to cooperate.

And now I can.

I show up calmly. I stay loving. I hold boundaries. I don’t spiral. I don’t lose control of myself.

Nighttime chaos can be fully happening, I can be exhausted, and I can still remain calm. Truly a miracle (ha) — but seriously. It’s a gift to my kids and to myself.

Because being calm isn’t a “nice to have.” It’s a necessity. And it’s closer than you think.

And if you want to learn my exact tools and process for staying calm during tantrums, you can get it all inside my mini course: How I Stay Calm During Tantrums With 3 Kids Under 5 Years Old.