High Achieving Moms + Slow Motherhood

Welcome to Mom On Purpose, where it’s all about helping moms overcome challenges and live their best lives. My hope is by being here, you are more inspired to become the mom you are made to be. I’m Natalie, your host, a wife, boy, mom, dog, mama, Chicagoan, and former lawyer turned professionally certified coach. If you’re here to grow, I can help. Let’s go.

Hello my beautiful friends. How we doing today? I have been thinking about being a high achieving mom and embracing slow motherhood and how thinking of myself as this and woman who has the capacity for both has been life changing and created the exact experience that I want. And I’ve been coaching so many moms on this inside the Mom On Purpose membership because just like you, there are so many high achievers who are accomplished, who have been successful in their career and either continue to be or have shifted to be at home more.

Either way, they’re finding their high achieving tendencies to not be complimentary to motherhood. And I want to talk about that. And instead of thinking about it from this either or perspective, I want to invite you to have a more and both perspective. So either or is either I can be high achieving or I can be present slow and calm. Either I can get a lot done or nothing gets done. Either I can be good in my career or I can be a good mom. It’s thinking that there’s not space for both and it’s just not true. It’s just that the way that your brain has told the story of what it means to be high achieving and be productive and be the mom that you want to be is different than it actually is. And so you have to create a new story. What does it look like to be high achieving and highly productive and be present and slow and connected?

And that requires defining like what are we even talking about here? I think it’s so important with anything that we really define terms, because words matter. So when I’m talking about being a high achieving mom, I’m talking about being productive, getting things done. You have high standards. I get it. I am you. I’m the same way. I like having high standards not from perfectionism. Perfectionism means that I’m going to tie my worth to the outcome. So if I make a mistake or get it wrong or something gets messed up, I then question whether I’m good enough and then I chase to be better in the future so that I don’t have to feel so bad about myself and I’m trying to earn my goodness from my accomplishments and productivity. That is not what I am talking about. I am talking about truly having high standards just because that’s how you want to live your life.

Cause that’s a fun time. I love that I embrace that I am that. And I also embrace and love present living slow motherhood and being playful and feminine and connected to my family, my kids, my husband and my friends. So when I’m talking about slow motherhood, I’m not talking about giving up your entire life to homestead and to bake sourdough. I am all for that. If that’s your jam, that is not my jam. I love having a thriving business that you know allows me to serve thousands of clients and just blow my own mind in terms of what’s possible with business and money and my life. And I love having the opportunity to work part-time and be at home with my kids and put on my mom hat and be connected to them and really be present with them. In my mind, this does not happen by accident.

What do I mean by this? Your brain loves the path of least resistance and the path of least resistance is the path that it’s already on. So what that means is if you are used to being in that doer energy that go, go, go energy, that is what your brain is going to want to continue to create. So unsupervised when you don’t manage your brain practically, what this looks like is even if you get five minutes to rest, or if you decide to play with your kids for a couple hours, if you haven’t done this work, your brain will go to all of the things that aren’t yet done. All of the things that you need to do. It will be thinking about your to-do list. You won’t be focused on your kids and really let go of all of that other stuff to reconnect with them.

That is a sign that you just haven’t done this work and that there’s more work to do internally for you to really practice being with yourself and practicing cultivating that safety to expand your capacity, to feel calm, to feel joy, to feel delight. Just because you want to. You’ve already done this with respect to working hard, with respect to getting things done, with respect to being the high achiever that you are. But you just haven’t done that with respect to feeling happy and feeling delight and approving of yourself and validating yourself and really enjoying yourself and playing with your kids in the simplest of ways. And I want you to know that again, there is nothing wrong with you. Literally nothing has gone wrong except for the fact that you haven’t managed your brain to show it that we’re going to choose a different path, not the path of least resistance.

We’re going to go on a different path, which means you’re going to get comfortable being grounded, being present, being connected, directing your mind to slowness, to playfulness, to that feminine side of you that wants to show up and be easygoing and playful. It’s like a dial. And you are very practiced and turning up the dial of doer, of getting it done, of creation, of producing, of checking things off the list of routines. I love a good routine, my friend. I have goals. I’m a high achiever. Again, this is not just who I am, but who I’m proactively choosing to be. I love that part of me. But I have also learned to embrace slow motherhood, not at my high achieving self’s expense, meaning I haven’t had to give that part of me up. I want to be very clear that this isn’t going from A to B, it’s going from A to A/B.

Do you see the difference? I think that most high achievers struggle with slow motherhood or present living or increasing connection or being more playful with their kids because they think that it has to come at the cost of being less high achieving at a cost of doing less. It’s not that you’re doing less, it’s that you have to do things differently because you already are spending time with your kids. There’s no way you’re spending zero time with your kids. The time that you’re spending with them though. Is it high in quality? And I just mean based on how you would define that, I’m sure they’re having a great time with you. They’re playing, they’re doing their own thing, they have their own thoughts. What are your thoughts when you’re with them? Are you thinking, I have so much to do, I need to respond to that email.

What’s going on with work? What’s for dinner? Did I pick up the thing from the groceries? Did I sign up my kids for X, Y, Z and did I forget something? Right? Like if those are your thoughts while you’re playing with your kids, you are in that productive doer energy that isn’t helpful for showing up as the present connected, playful mom that you want to be. So you’re still going to spend the same amount of time with them, but the quality of that time is different because you are managing your mind. So you don’t have the constant rushing, you don’t have the questioning of, did I do enough at the end of the day? Because there are moments, there are chunks of time throughout the day where you are validating yourself and you’re intentionally directing your mind to be where your feet are, to connect with your kids.

I think this is why I am able to navigate having three kids under four years old achieve some really incredible goals in my business, not feel overwhelmed and be with my kids and embrace like this slowness. I just have to say that there was a time when, I thought this was impossible. I thought I would have to give up being high achieving. I thought I would have to give up my business. I thought I wouldn’t be able to get so much done in less time if I took more time off, if I relaxed, if I got into my femininity. Like there was this fear. And I think it came from needing to control, like control everything. And once I became aware of that and slowly over time tested it and realized that my business was totally fine, if I didn’t work on it 24/7, that my life and my home were all totally fine.

If I wasn’t obsessing over getting things done all of the time IE, I let things go and embraced that slowness. And again, I’m not talking about baking sourdough, I’m talking about feeling slow. I’m talking about getting into my child’s world and asking them questions and just being with them and laughing with them. I love thinking about connection as presence without agenda. Think about holding a baby when I am holding sweet baby Jack. I have no agenda. I’m not hoping that Jack will clean up. I’m not asking Jack to do his homework. I’m not hoping that Jack will want to, finish all of his food on his plate. I’m literally just looking at Jack and I’m giggling with him and I’m smiling at him and I’m being playful and doing all of those baby goo gaga communications with him. And there’s connection. There’s conversation.

There are moments of togetherness without agenda, I’m present with him without agenda. With older kids, with your spouse, are you present without an agenda or do you have an agenda with every communication? That means you’re in that doer energy slowness, what I refer to as slow motherhood is intentionally turning down the dial of performance of doing and turning up the dial on connection and being. And it was so important to me. It is so important to me to talk about this as an and because what I’m not saying is that 100% of the time you should be connected and present and playful and slow and then get nothing done. It really is both. So sometimes you’re going to turn it up, but my friend, you’re a high achiever, you’re listening to this, you’re like me, we don’t have a problem turning that dial up. We do have a problem turning it down.

It feels unsafe. We’re used to having it up. We like control. If you’re firstborn like me, it’s even more exaggerated. It feels safe to us. And yet we’re just missing out on a greater experience of connection of our lives, of our kids and our spouse when we have that controlling energy turned so far up, particularly with respect to people. So when you are in control of a project at work or with organizing a party, that’s a good thing. Like you’re on top of it, you’re getting things done, you are putting that high achieving energy to work. Like I’m all for that. I use it all the time in my business and also with home life. And also I turn it way down with respect to people, with respect to what I expect of them, with respect to how I connect with them. Presence without agenda.

If my kids are having a hard time, I want to validate their feelings. Maybe I need to hold the boundary, but I’m with them. The word with is one of the words that I associate so highly with slow motherhood. Am I with them in my mind? Am I with them in my heart? Am I with them in my energy? Being with them isn’t about doing more. It’s allowing space for their experience. So maybe they’re having a hard time. It’s not my job to fix that. It’s not my job to change that. I can just be with them. I may want to hold a boundary, I may want to offer some encouraging thoughts, whatever feels right. But what will feel right will come from me being in my energy of being the mom who I want to be, which includes leadership energy. But the leadership is from connection first.

Cause that’s all that’s left. These kids, they grow up and they leave home, right? What we’re left with is connection. Connection is the foundation to every relationship. It’s not about control. It’s not about getting our kids to do something or not do something or getting them to be different than they are. It’s about being with them and connecting with them and being present with them. It is not about the amount of time Everyone wants to know like how much time is enough time for me to feel connected and not feel mom guilt. That is work for you to do my friend. And trust me, I get it. I am not speaking from an ivory tower here, but I want you to know that your mom guilt is for you to clean up and it’s pretty easy to do with some simple brain management. And then you can define what it means for you to be the mom who you want to be.

Set expectations for yourself just like you would in a career or just like you do in your career. And that includes being present and embracing slow motherhood and what does that look like? You still have the same kids you have, but you feel slow and present and grounded. And at the end of the day, whether that’s you know, 9:00 PM, 5:00 PM whatever, you know, the hardest part of the day is for you. You’re not second guessing yourself. You’re not saying, is this enough? You’re not wondering why you’re not happier. You’re telling yourself, I did a great job today and I’m feeling a little tired. That makes sense. It’s eight o’clock, let’s do it again tomorrow. I love this life that I’ve created. Great job. So not only is it connection with your family, but it’s connection with yourself. The core message here is that it’s not be successful or be present, it’s both. You can be successful and present and you’re not supposed to be both 100% of the time, but if you are used to being in that doer, successful, productive energy, then you have to prioritize the skill of being slow. This is hard to do. Your brain will give you every freaking excuse in the book. Don’t buy it. This is why coaching is so powerful because left to your own devices, meaning left to that default brain that’s wired for survival. It’s always going to be scanning for what’s wrong, which means on default years will go by and you will be in that doer, energy, snapping, yelling, feeling kind of this low grade discontent, feeling like nothing is ever enough, wondering why you don’t feel as good on the inside as maybe your life looks on the outside. And I promise you, nothing is wrong with you, nothing is wrong with your life.

It’s just that we are not taught these tools. And this is why brain management is so life changing. You can do the deeper work inside Mom On Purpose membership. You can work with me closely, privately if you want to double down and get your results so much faster. You can untie your worth from productivity so that you continue to be the high achiever that you are by nature and love and want to be. And at the same time build the skill of slowness, of letting go, of control, of just letting things go, of being more playful and calm and present so that when you have five minutes, when you have 30 minutes, when you have a few hours with your kids, time flies by and you’re interested in them and you’re directing your brain intentionally and you really feel at the end of it, no matter how your kids are feeling that you showed up as the mom who you want to be. I feel this on a daily basis. I just shared on Instagram, I think it was a couple weeks ago, how a senior came up to me at the library after my kids had had the opportunity to do a tea party with the seniors who are visiting there. And you know, I’m explaining what macaroons are and helping them pour, you know, their pretend tea and all the things. And this woman comes up to me and she says, “I can tell you really enjoy motherhood”. And I said, “I do. I really do. It’s the only way through”. And what I meant by that is I take it so seriously and it is a growth journey. This was not my default to be calm, to be present, to juggle three kids under four with all of their moods and, temperaments and preferences and their tiredness and the chaos.

And we have dogs and a family and a house and all the things that I’m so grateful for and wanted for so long. My natural default is the doer, the type a high achiever who would probably be a mom who yells, who doesn’t enjoy the daily life that comes with motherhood. And I do only because of this work, only because of the story that I’m telling myself. Only because of the journey and the future self work that I do, the intentions that I set, the identities that I’ve created for myself, thinking about myself as an and woman. Someone who is a high achiever and embraces slow motherhood. No one else is talking about it in this way. It’s either like you have to embrace being a high achiever and a working mom, or you have to want and embrace that slow life, right? That’s like a trend on social media.

It’s like, no, it’s both, but it’s hard to do. But that’s the best part because you’re a high achiever and you can do hard things. And the only reason it’s hard is because your body likes to continue on the same path. It’s always on. So if it’s in that rushing energy, it wants to continue to feel rushed because it’s easier, okay? Even if intellectually, you know, you want to slow down. So you’ve gotta use the tools. I have some of them that I’m obsessed with that’s sitting in 10 minutes of silence daily. The journaling, the accountability that I offer. I have courses inside the membership on releasing stress and reducing overwhelm and stepping into setting standards for yourself as a mom. So you actually know what it means to increase connection and be present with your kids. Doing that work is such a gift to yourself because then you know, life keeps happening and you feel like you’re showing up as the mom you want to be. IE you don’t have that pervasive mom guilt or that pervasive sense that in the next season I’ll be able to work on this, knowing that that’s really not true. That there is no right time. So that means now is the right time.

Embracing slowness in motherhood really is about connection. It is not about losing yourself, it is not about doing less. You can do more in less time and you can be present and slow and playful. And I really try to model that. I’m not perfect at it, but having these tools and having the awareness of when I’m a little bit turned up on the dial or turned down shows me exactly what the next steps are to get back into equilibrium with what works for me in my life. We’re all going to have differences. You know, some of us work outta the home, some of us work part-time, some of us stay home full-time and some of us do a combination of that and it’s all different.

And that’s by design. You are the leader of your life. But if something feels off internally, if this idea that being a high achieving mom and embracing slow motherhood feels like a juxtaposition and it also at the same time speaks to you, I want you to start thinking about yourself as an and woman who is expanding her capacity to slow down and be present and let things go and feel more joy and daily delights so that motherhood is less of a grind. It requires watching your thoughts, identifying them, changing them, practicing new thoughts, being comfortable expanding your capacity to feel happiness and lightness and joy. And at the same time expanding your capacity for overstimulation. Because kids are going to be kids, they’re going to be upset. The dog’s going to bark, the door’s going to ring. I am not overstimulated in those situations because I’ve expanded my capacity.

So it’s not slow motherhood like, you know, we have a one babysitter for each kid and we’re all on the beach and it’s slow because they’re napping and everyone’s taken care of. It’s slow in the sense of you feel slow internally and you feel connected even though it’s real life. It’s a Tuesday and it’s you and you know you’re done for the day and the kids are being kids and maybe one of them is upset and one of them wants you to read them a book. And the other one is complaining about something in their shoe. And then there’s a knock on the door and then your phone’s going off and your husband is asking you if he’s doing dinner or if you’re doing dinner, you can feel connected and calm in those moments. You can expand your capacity for that. It’s like triaging, like bam, bam, let’s go. Right? But in that sense, I feel calm and connected and then I can make choices and prioritize and feel slow. And then other times it is just being present with my son and reading a book and not thinking about a million to-dos and then later feeling guilty like I wasn’t present enough.

Slow motherhood isn’t about being tired, it’s not about doing less. It’s not about setting fewer goals. A hill I will die on is that mom should set unrealistic goals. I cringe every time I see realistic goals to set as a mom of three. And you see that I posted that reel and Instagram at mom.onpurpose. And I said realistic goals to set as a mom of three. And then it said, every unrealistic goal you can think of, it’s not either or. You don’t have to diminish your life and your goals because you have children. Use your children as fuel to create the life that you want. Will it look different? Yes, but isn’t that what you want? Yes, of course you want your kids, you want your life, you want your family, and you want to set and achieve big goals, like that’s fun, that’s a good time.

And let’s be present with our kids. It doesn’t mean at their expense, now certain seasons. It might mean more time working, more time on goals, less time with kids and vice versa. You know, if you think about the flow and the rhythm of a school year, most kids have a chunk of time in the summer where they’re not in school. So maybe you’re spending more time with them then versus the school year or maybe, you know, you went back to school to become a lawyer. So three years you are going to spend some, you know, time with them that looks different than when you’re out of law school. I think that’s okay. It’s by design and it’s, it’s really not about numbers of minutes and time spent, it’s about the quality of the time and how you feel and how you are showing up and setting those standards inside the Intentional Parenting course.

I teach them, mom like it’s your job process and I teach you how to evaluate how you’re doing based on standards you set for yourself. For me, I want to be a high achieving mom who shows my kids what’s possible. I love that part of me. I’m just getting started and I want to be present and slow and know exactly how they like their sandwiches cut and know what their favorite books are and what’s worrying them and each of their different challenges. I want to be there for that and be with them and feel slow. And that is something that I take really seriously and I practice and I’m living it. And I love that. And I want that for you too. You are an and woman, you’re a high achiever and you embrace slow motherhood. Name it, own it, practice it my friend and you will become it. Until next week, take care.

Thank you for being here and listening Now head on over to momonpurpose.com/coaching to learn more about the Mom On Purpose Membership, where we take all of this work to the next level.