I’ve been thinking about self care as regular daily practice versus an escape.

If self care is an escape it will be reactive—a need to get away.

When self care is a part of your daily routine, it’s proactive—preplanned to take care of yourself.

For example, a vacation, retreat, or spa day are all escapes. So is scrolling or watching TV. These aren’t bad per se, they’re just not a replacement for the daily practice of taking care of yourself. 

The key distinction is planning self care ahead of time so you’re not needing the escape from how you’re feeling.

Watching your favorite show weekly because that’s what you love doing is very different than zoning out in front of the TV nightly because it provides relief from the stress you feel.

Escapism quite literally means avoiding your feelings. You numb out of the emotional discomfort by using some external false pleasure.

The same is true for going on a vacation or to a wellness retreat. If the intention is to travel or have a new experience that’s very different than if the intention is “a need to get away” where you get relief from negative emotions like overwhelm or anxiety that you experience in your every day life. Often we realize this when we return and the feelings come back again.

It’s not so much the activities (TV, vacation, etc.) as much as it is the motivation behind the activity. If the motivation is to escape your feelings, then that’s going to limit your own happiness and fulfillment because you’ll continue to need external sources of false pleasure in order to feel content.

There is also no shame in wanting or needing an escape. Seriously, my friend. I am right there with you. A wellness retreat sounds amazing to me right now!

The goal is to simply notice (become aware) that this is what’s happening, and to the extent possible, incorporate more daily ways to take care of yourself so that you need or want fewer escapes. This is how you create a life where you are genuinely happy, because you’re taking care of yourself, meeting your own needs.

A good way to check in is to ask yourself: 1) what is it like for me to be alone with myself without any escapes? and 2) what am I doing daily to reconnect and take care of myself?

If the answer to #1 is that you’re very uncomfortable alone without your escapes this is a sign you have work to do on processing and allowing feelings (a skill most of us were never taught, so don’t think this is bad either! It’s just something to learn and work on.). The only reason you won’t like being alone with yourself is because of the thoughts and feelings you have when you’re alone. This is in part why anxiety was on the rise during the pandemic—people were alone with their own thoughts and feelings in a new way they had never been before. Even as I continue doing this work after years of practicing it, I know there’s still more work to be done. It’s an ongoing process. And it can be fun, too, I promise!

If the answer to #2 is you do nothing or you have reasons why you can’t during this season (kids, life demands, etc.), this is also about feelings work, too. If you were willing to feel the discomfort of taking up space on the calendar, you could prioritize this. The reason we do or don’t do something is always because of feelings (behind every action is a feeling). Often times, as moms, we tend to not value ourselves enough to take up space on the calendar or are in the habit of thinking there’s no way we could possibly make the time. Or we think our kids deserve 100% of the free time, etc. Whatever the reason it is just good to bring it to your awareness that taking care of yourself daily isn’t a priority. (Again, don’t judge yourself here, just get curious about why that is for you.)

Daily self care isn’t a want, it’s a need. For all humans! We all need to take care of ourselves. Self care doesn’t have to take a lot of time either. It’s not that more time leads to more connection with yourself. Instead, it’s about how you feel about yourself when you’re doing the self care.

Self care is personal and internal. It’s about connecting with you. 

Self care shouldn’t be performative, like something you’re hurrying through just to “check it off your list” to say you did it. The difference is in how you feel. If you get 10k steps in a day because you feel good walking, that’s taking care of yourself. If you obsess over this number as an “achievement” that you must get so therefore, you walk in circles around your house at the end of the night, this is not self care.

Self care is an internal process that focuses on taking care of yourself so you feel good—restored, rejuvenated, connected, and cared for. 

I’m so passionate about helping moms because it’s so common for moms to not take a turn for self care (not only due to the demands but also due to the added mom-guilt that often accompanies self care), and therefore, it’s so needed.

Wishing you moments of self care today, my friend. And if you’re looking for more ways to practice real self care, check out Grow You. I’d love for you to join us. 

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