There are 9 phrases I don’t say to my kids that are so commonly said that I decided to create a post on them on Instagram. You can check out the original post here: @mom.onpurpose.
These 9 phrases that I don’t say are common. In fact, I came up with this list after hearing so many of the phrases throughout the week that I was inspired to write a post on why I refrain from saying them to my kids.
So, let’s dive in—here’s a list of 9 problematic phrases that I don’t say to my kids and what I say instead:
I don’t say: “You’re fine; you’re okay; dust it off.”
Instead I say: “Check your body.”
Here’s why: It teaches them to pay attention to how their body feels instead of ignoring it.
I don’t say: “Chill out.”
Instead I say: “I hear you. You feel sad and want ___ (reflect what they’re wanting).”
Here’s why: It names and validates their feelings, instead of dismissing them.
I don’t say: “You’re in trouble.”
Instead I say: “Let’s talk about what happened and how we can make it right.”
Here’s why: Punishment is shame-based (fear-based) parenting that says “if you don’t obey me bad things happen to you.” It aims to control the child’s behavior even at the cost of the relationship.
I don’t say: “Don’t cry.”
Instead I say: “It’s okay to cry. It’s a release for your body. Mommy cries sometimes too.”
Here’s why: It normalizes emotions and shows they don’t have to hide their feelings.
I don’t say: “You’re bad.”
Instead I say: “That choice wasn’t acceptable, but you are a good kid inside no matter what.”
Here’s why: It separates behavior from identity, reinforcing their worth while guiding their actions.
I don’t say: “Because I said so.”
Instead I say: “The answer is ____. Here’s why I made this decision.”
Here’s why: It models respect and reasoning, building trust and cooperation.
I don’t say: “Stop being dramatic.”
Instead I say: “I can see this feels really big for you right now.”
Here’s why: It validates their perspective, teaching them that their feelings are valid.
I don’t say: “One more bite.”
Instead I say: “Listen to your body. You know when you’re done.”
Here’s why: It teaches them to trust their own hunger and fullness cues, building a healthy relationship with food and their body.
I don’t say: “I’m going to count to three.”
Instead I say: “I can see this is hard. I’m going to help you. Mommy is going to ____ (eg: pick you up and put you into the bathtub).”
Here’s why: It sets a clear boundary while staying calm and supportive, teaching them that you’ll follow through with action instead of threats to try to control them.
When you change the way you speak to your kids, parenting gets easier because you’re more calm and connected holding boundaries and showing up as the mom you want to be.
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