From Pressure To Presence (Part 3): 7 Specific Ways I’ve Become A More Calm, Joyful, And Connected Mom

Welcome to Mom On Purpose, where it’s all about helping moms overcome challenges and live their best lives. My hope is by being here, you are more inspired to become the mom you are made to be. I’m Natalie, your host, a wife, boy, mom, dog mama, Chicagoan, and former lawyer turned professionally certified coach. If you’re here to grow, I can help. Let’s go.

Welcome back, my friends to part three of the From Pressure to Presence series. Today’s episode is so special for you because I am sharing seven ways that I’ve personally used these tools to become a more calm, present, joyful, and connected mom. So to do a quick recap in episode one, I talked about the real reason you will feel so much friction in motherhood. And it’s not because you’re doing it wrong, it’s because your brain is wired to scan for the negative, to scan for what’s wrong, to scan for danger and problems.

And in motherhood, that results in overthinking, mom guilt, worrying, comparing, controlling overwhelm, you name it, your brain on default is going to produce those experiences for you because of the way that it’s wired for survival to scan for what’s wrong in your environment. Helpful evolutionarily not helpful in modern motherhood. So I showed you how this is, you know, simply how your brain is wired and how the solution is brain management. It is learning how to change your thoughts and that’s exactly what I teach as a skill inside the Mom Purpose Membership, episode two, we looked at why getting more done is going to sabotage your connection and closeness with your kids. As high achieving moms productivity, I think comes naturally. We enjoy it. I know I do. I love getting more done. However, if you measure your success by output, you will struggle to connect because productivity and connection are like a yin and a yang.

They’re opposites. But if you are measuring success and your goodness based on how much you are doing, it’s going to come at the expense of connecting with your kids. Because connection isn’t about output, it isn’t about getting more done. So this really means redefining what enough looks like and letting presence matter more than productivity. And I teach this inside the Mom On Purpose Membership and my Mom, Like It’s Your Job framework so that you can set standards for yourself so that you’re not doing, doing, doing, and wondering if it’s enough. And that way you can really prioritize connection as a value of yours and an expectation that you have. And so it’s something that you will create when you have the intention behind it. To do that, today I am bringing it all together and I want to share seven specific ways that I’ve used these tools in my own life.

So you know, a little bit more of my story here and a little bit less theory. So these are tools that I use daily, I have used yearly and my life and motherhood is so much different because I use these tools. I mean, I, at the time of recording this just recently went through some circumstances that I didn’t anticipate and I rocked it, my friends, okay? I, ended up traveling alone with my toddlers and I didn’t expect to do that. We had some unexpected things happen and I rocked it. I really did. I was able to manage my stress, manage the overwhelm. I didn’t go into panic mode or anxiety mode. I was able to, you know, stay calm myself. I was able to embody confidence in a new circumstance. I was also able to implement parenting strategies that I know and am trained in and have been practicing for years with my kids and helping my clients with over 2000 moms now.

And because of that, I was able to validate feelings and hold boundaries and travel seamlessly with my boys in a way that there is without a doubt, no way I would’ve been able to do that. At least not calmly and confidently and have enjoyed it. I actually enjoyed it without these tools. And so it’s yes for the predictable day-to-day kind of, friction that we experience in motherhood, but it’s also for the circumstances that are kind of thrust upon us that we don’t anticipate, whether that’s just traffic and a delay or being late, you know, on the smaller side of things or something bigger like a diagnosis. It’s like having the power to manage your mind, to stay calm, to think intentional thoughts, to make quick decisions that you feel good about without self-doubt. And second, guessing yourself to feel like you’re doing enough as a mom and have high standards that you want to do more for.

I mean, there’s just nothing better. Truly there is nothing better. It empowers you to create the life that you want. And I’m doing that and that’s why I feel so passionate about these tools because they have made such a difference in my life and in my clients’ lives. So with that introduction, I would love to share with you seven ways that I’ve personally used these tools to change my life. Number one is to intentionally create my identity. I am very mindful about what I say after I am. So you will not hear me say, I am overwhelmed or I am anxious, or I am spread too thin. You might hear me say, oh, I’m feeling some overwhelm, or I feel some anxiety. But that subtle difference is everything because when you make emotions part of your identity, that then becomes what you live out. So for me, a huge shift has been to intentionally create my identity on purpose.

And if there are parts of me or skills that I don’t yet have or want to improve upon, I do it from my actions, not from my identity. So for example, you’re not going to hear me say, oh, I am a procrastinator and you know, I really struggle be because of that. Instead, I would look at actions in this example and say, you know, I noticed that the last few deadlines for work, I was late on. What’s that about? I want to create a plan. So that doesn’t happen anymore. But I am so strong in my belief about the type of mom I am, and that’s a human mom. That’s not a perfect mom. I am a good mom. I have expectations for myself. I think of myself in a positive way, and I think of my kids in a positive way, and I think of people in a positive way.

And that is intentional. That does not mean that I don’t make mistakes. It doesn’t mean that people don’t make mistakes. It doesn’t mean that, you know, people are downright mean and disrespectful of course, but that’s in their actions. It’s not at the core of how I choose to think about myself, my kids and other people. And this really serves me because then I have a much more positive experience of, of motherhood and of my life when I know who I am and I feel like I’m a good mom. I’m doing a great job, I’m a high achiever and I know how to repair and I, I do get it wrong and that’s okay and I’m gentle with myself. I don’t have this like low grade negative self-talk or self-doubt or you know, second guessing myself. I’m not questioning is this enough every night? Like I genuinely feel good about myself and that’s not arrogance, that’s confidence.

And that is only because of the tools I teach inside the Mom On Purpose Membership with respects to creating your identity on purpose and self-confidence skills that I am so grateful for in my everyday life. The second way that I’ve become a more calm, joyful, and connected mom is to treat motherhood like a high performance job. On default, we look to how our kids are doing. If they’re doing well, then we feel good about ourselves, we look to their happiness. If our kids are happy, then we feel like we’re doing a good job. We look to social media and other moms, if we measure up or are doing better, then we feel good about ourselves. The problem with that is the inverse of that, when our kids are struggling, when they’re having challenges, when they’re unhappy or frustrated or exhibiting behavior, we wouldn’t choose for them or making choices, we wouldn’t choose for them.

And we are, you know, seeing that, you know, our kids are going through challenges, we end up making that mean something negative about ourselves. And so in my mom, like it’s your job process. I remove all of that and I create standards for myself so that I can show up as the mom I want to be. And that removes all of the mom guilt and it really helps me stay in my lane and focusing on what I can control when I try to control my kids and when I make their challenges mean I’m a bad mom, I actually end up a worse mom because it ends up in this like cognitive distortion where I’m taking everything personally and I’m centering myself and I can’t even show up to help them. So for example, if my kid is struggling in school and I make that mean that I’m failing as a mom, I’m taking something personally that is totally not about me, and then that blocks me from showing up as a good mom.

I can’t help my kid if I’m making it mean all of these things about me and making it all about me when it’s not. And that doesn’t mean that I go from making it all about me and feeling like I’m failing to not caring and apathy, of course not. Instead, I just remove myself from it at all. It’s not about me, it’s about my kid who has a challenge and he’s supposed to have challenges. And what can I do to show up with confidence and connection and support him? That is the life changing work of setting expectations for yourself so that you don’t feel like you’re failing as a mom. At first it might seem like okay, treating motherhood like a high performance job, seems like a lot of work. Seems like more work than I want to do, but you’re actually already doing it except you’re doing it in an unhelpful way.

So you already measure your success as a mom. You do it though in a way that hurts you because how your kids feel if they’re upset, if they’re frustrated, if they’re struggling, is outside of your control. What’s on social media, what the neighbors are doing, what the other moms are choosing right outside of your control. And when you use those standards that are outside of your control to evaluate how you’re doing, that’s where you create problems. You will have a such a worse experience of motherhood. You will be fueled with mom guilt and self-doubt and feel like you’re failing. And then you’ll try to control them and it’ll get all weird and creepy and there will be a lot of disconnection and it’s just totally unhelpful and it’s avoidable. So I say that because it can sound like, oh, treating motherhood like a high performance job.

That sounds like a lot of work, but you’re already doing the work. You are just doing it on default in a way that doesn’t serve you. So in this way, you turn it around and set expectations intentionally so you don’t evaluate how you’re doing as a mom based on your kid’s mood, based on how they’re doing and their performance, right? And this is actually so connecting for your relationship, I feel very connected to my kids because I don’t think they need to do a good job for me to love them. I love them unconditionally and I want them to excel and I want them to, you know, do the things that they’re capable of of course. But because of treating motherhood like a high performance job and setting expectations for myself, I don’t need validation that I’m doing enough from them. This creates freedom, it creates connection because there’s this authenticity that opens up.

There’s this emotional intimacy where you can genuinely connect without it being a performative. So it’s just been such a total game changer in my motherhood. I just can’t recommend it enough. Number three, I manage my mind. I know that on default my brain would fall into so many of the cognitive distortions that are basically just the default way and that make motherhood so much worse, just so much more stressful and negative. So cognitive distortions are simply ways that your brain creates stories that are unhelpful. So some of the stories your brain creates are very helpful, keep those. But the distorted ones pile on unnecessary stress and guilt and pressure. And I think, you know, most of us don’t know this because we are not taught this. And so for me, having the skill of managing my mind is the number one skill that creates connection and confidence and joy and lightness in motherhood.

For me, I don’t fall into that all or nothing thinking. I’m not thinking worst case scenarios. And you know, what if spirals, I’m not, you know, taking one negative event and you know, generalizing it so that I am now in this like doomsday attitude. I know that the brain has a tendency towards negativity. So I consciously create intentional thoughts and then I point my brain to the positive. So I don’t fall into the cognitive distortion of mental filtering. I’m aware that my brain is going to try to read other people’s minds and how unhelpful that is. And so I redirect my brain back to what I want to think back to what how I’m feeling. And back to my actions focusing on what I can control. For me, falling into self-pity and taking things personally is definitely something that I would do. But for these tools, kind of feeling like I’m at the effect of my life, feeling like I’m at the effect of motherhood, it’s just simply not true.

And I’ve really worked hard to shift every I have to, to I want to. I get to, my language is so different because I know how to manage my mind and because of that my kids get the benefit of that as well. It’s just really a win-win. I show up more as the mom I want to be, and then they get a more present connected mom who, you know, isn’t self-sacrificing in a way that’s going to create mommy martyrdom or resentment. Number four is practicing emotional regulation skills. So said differently. I can stay calm, I can stay calm pretty much whenever chaos is happening, but this isn’t my default. I really want you to know that I am, you know, the first born type, a high achiever, naturally extroverted, grew up in a family of yellers, was a yeller myself. And I have learned and practice these skill of staying calm, especially during tantrums, especially when there’s chaos, when there’s a, you know, delivery at the door.

So the dogs are barking, the baby’s crying, one of the toddler just toddlers, just you know, threw a toy at the other toddler. Your husband’s walking in the door and you know, asking for something, you know, you name it. It could be any type of circumstance in motherhood and I can feel calm, okay? This was not my default. I want you to know that my husband and I joke that I’m the calm parent and we joke about it because his natural disposition is a very calm and chill and laid back. But when it comes to parenting, I am the calm parent. He gets more flustered easily. And I love that because it’s just a testament to these tools. And we joke about that because if you pulled our friends for sure, they would vote that they would guess he’s the calm one. But it’s just not true. And the reason I love that is because I’m such a believer in these tools. I just don’t know how you can operate motherhood, calmly, peacefully, feeling connected and confident like you’re doing enough and just be able to weather the storms and navigate the challenges, specifically the tantrums. Without these tools, you learn the tools and you practice them until they become skills. I cannot yell even when I feel frustrated, most of the time I don’t feel frustrated because I’m managing mind my mind ahead of time. But when I do feel frustrated, I’m still not yelling because I’m able to calm myself down. I’m able to model calm for my kids instead of matching their chaos. So I have higher expectations of myself than of my kids that my friend will change your life. So when Robert and Henry and soon to be Jack is, you know, going to be old enough to be in there too, are wrestling and it’s getting too wild and one of them gets hurt or is about to get hurt or they’re screaming or it’s, you know, one of ’em takes it too far. I can hold boundaries firmly, but warmly and lovingly so that it’s not from this cold, disconnected, overwhelmed place where then I end up, you know, yelling or it feels punitive.

Like you are bad, you are wrong, you are not doing what I say. I never have those thoughts, my friends. And I’m still in there holding boundaries. It’s not like I’m just, you know, throwing my hands up in the air and saying, it’s a free for all. Do whatever you want. Or you know, it’s not like my kids are just, you know, magic unicorn toddlers. They’re not. They fight and there’s tantrums and I can handle it pretty seamlessly. And I share that with you because I want you to know wherever you’re at, especially if you’re like me and your natural disposition is like go, go, go. And you’re not really sure how to navigate tantrums and they feel hard for you, come inside the Mom On Purpose Membership and get coached by me so that I can teach you the tools and you can practice the tools so that it becomes a skill.

It is so awesome knowing that I can go anywhere and I’m not going to feel embarrassed and I’m not going to feel shame and I’m not going to feel stressed or worried if my kids act out or you know, are fighting or whatever it is, because I’m able to stay calm, hold boundaries, and do it from a really respectful warmhearted and firm way. Alright, number five, the fifth way that I use these tools to be the mom that I want to be essentially is what we’re talking about. I stopped people pleasing and stopped my perfectionist tendencies. And this was really available to me when I studied and learned all about good girl syndrome and how, you know, that kind of the social conditioning and the parenting that I grew up with was all about being a good girl. And being a good girl meant doing things for other people in a pleasing way.

So if you did something and someone was happy about it, you were told you’re such a good girl. If you didn’t do something and someone wasn’t happy about it or you did something and they weren’t happy about it, then you were maybe told you’re a bad girl, okay? And so we grow up then as adults thinking that we need to earn our goodness. And I’ve done a ton of work on this so that I feel good at my core and I have detached my goodness from what I do. The best part of this, my friends, is that now I get to achieve and do more because I want to as a high achiever, because I love excellence because I want to do my best, but not because I’m shoulding on myself. That’s another cognitive distortion where it’s like having these should statements about yourself and others.

And I find that with respect to perfectionism, we have all of these should statements that kind of come from tying our worth to our productivity and then layering on top of that the people pleasing from good girl syndrome, which is, you know, I think of myself as good, only if other people think I’m good and other people think I’m good if I am doing things that are pleasing to them. And you know, how often do we send this message subtly? It’s like, oh my gosh, how does she get so much done? She’s a supermom. She does all of these things and we validate other people’s goodness based on how much they do. And again, this is not a knock on productivity, my friends, if you know me at all, you know, I love to get things done, but I’m doing it because I like being a high achiever.

Not because I think I’m should or that happiness is over there, or that I need to earn like validation or earn my goodness or earn, you know, being a good mom or earn my rest. So I’ve cleaned up the perfectionism and the people pleasing. So now it’s just a good time. Like if you work on yourself just because you want to and you acquire these skills just because you want to expand your capacity, that is a really good time. If you do it because you think you have something to prove, then you want to start working on the self-talk first so that you genuinely can approach your relationships with other people, with your kids, with your spouse, with yourself from a place of connection. True connection is not about getting something from someone. So if you are constantly doing around your house to get your kids or your spouse’s approval, that’s not real connection.

I think of connection as being with like the word with, I love that word. We do this effortlessly with babies. We also do this during courtships. So think back to when you were dating, there’s no agenda. You’re just like trying to get, get to know the other person. We do this with babies because they literally can’t do anything. So we’re like flirting with them, right? We’re like doing all the little baby talk and smiling and that’s it. There’s no agenda. And how often do we not do that in our everyday life with our kids and our spouse and our loved ones? We have an agenda. And so just notice that being able to connect with the people I love, just because I want to connect with them is what it’s all about. And I had to learn that. And there’s no shame in that, especially because I mean, gosh, from this whole series, hopefully now, you know, based on your brain’s default wiring, that wiring for survival and the tendency towards negativity on top of that good girl syndrome, on top of that kind of the tendency for us to attach our worth to our productivity, of course it makes complete sense that this would not be the default, that just connection and being present would not be the default.

But just because it’s not the default doesn’t mean you have to settle for that. You absolutely can learn these tools so that they become skills that you have and it makes motherhood so much better. I’m so mission driven and passionate about this, and everything is over inside at the Mom On Purpose Membership, over at momonpurpose.com/coaching. That is truly where we take all of this work to the next level. I’ve had thousands of clients in there and it’s just a privilege to do this work. I’m so passionate about it because of how it’s impacted my life. So anyways, let’s dive in to number six, parenting strategies. My friends, I’m not going to go into every parenting strategy ever, but I do want to say that understanding how to validate my kids’ feelings and hold boundaries with warmth and firmness is a skill that pays huge dividends.

I’m not trying to control them. I’m staying out of get my child mode. I am very physically present and feel equipped to help them through their challenges, to help them learn tools, to regulate their own feelings, to navigate relationships, starting with their siblings. If you have more than one child, you know what I mean? Sibling fights, right? My kids fight and I don’t see it as a problem. It doesn’t mean I enjoy it, doesn’t mean that you know, it’s the most peaceful, fun experience, but I’m not arguing with reality. I am in their holding boundaries lovingly and validating feelings and showing my kids that emotions aren’t problems to fix, but are a normal part of life. Because when my kids are 30 or 40 or 50, frustration isn’t something they graduate from. They will feel frustrated and they will know frustration. They will know how to process it.

They won’t need to escape their emotions. And that is a gift I give to them by doing the work myself. The parenting tools I have inside the Mom On Purpose Membership show you how to stay calm, hold boundaries, and show up as the mom you want to be from a confident, connected place. I use them in my life and they’ve truly been life changing. Lastly, I embrace positive motherhood. There’s sort of this cultural narrative of connecting over negativity, connecting over complaining, connecting over, you know, the busyness of this season. And I just refuse to buy into that. I have curated my social media so that it reflects positive motherhood and positive accounts that I want to engage with and learn from. I don’t buy into the just wait until they’re teenagers or just wait until they’re young adults. I have had the privilege of coaching clients with kids of all ages.

We have a lot of empty nesters inside the Mom On Purpose Membership. And so I know the challenges that come up from coaching them and they just change flavor, right? It’s very physical when they’re young, gets more emotional and complex when they’re older. And being able to see that has really given me perspective that motherhood is a growth journey. It’s not always easy, but I like to say it’s my kind of heart and I’m choosing this. Again, it goes back to owning my experience and not falling into that victim mentality. I don’t have to do this. I want to do this. And so I want to think positively about my life. I want to have a positive relationship with my life and with motherhood and with my kids. So as we wrap up this pressure to presence three part series, I want you to know you are not alone.

You are right on track. If your life looks pretty dang good on the outside and you’re really good at getting all of the things done, but you’re like, I am not as good as feeling happy, feeling the everyday joy, feeling the slowness and the connection that you sometimes crave while still maintaining your, you know, high achieving nature and and doing all the things that you want to do. That is because of the way the brain is wired. It’s because of how you’ve been taught from society and how you’ve been raised from the parenting strategies that used to be at the forefront. And this isn’t about blame, it’s just about knowing that how you feel right now and if there’s more friction in motherhood than you want, doesn’t have to be how it stays. There are tools that you can learn to eliminate negative thinking and overwhelm, reduce anxiety and that negative self-talk, reduce and eliminate stress so that you can feel more joy and connection and confidence and purpose in your everyday life.

I can’t eliminate your challenges for you, but I can help you show up in a more calm, connected, confident way. There’s no reason to be fueled by self-doubt, worry, anxiety, stress, and overwhelm. These tools are designed to help you thrive. So I invite you to join me inside the Mom On Purpose membership over at momonpurpose.com/coaching. I will see you inside.

Thank you for being here and listening. Now. Head on over to momonpurpose.com/coaching to learn more about the Mom On Purpose Membership, where we take all of this work to the next level.