11 Habits To Stop For A Happier Mom Life

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Hello, my beautiful friends. Welcome to today’s podcast on 11 Habits to Stop for a Happier Mom Life. I am so excited for this episode because it is in response to a question I got via email, which by the way, if you’re not on my email list, head on over to momonpurpose.com/subscribe and I will send you an email every single week with a tip or a tool to help you make your life better. And I always invite you to reply.

So this comes from one of those emails and I’m excited about it because I think that we get hooked on changing our habits and for good reason because we know that if something is a habit, there’s that compound effect long term. So if I’m in the habit of going for a walk every day, that’s going to benefit me and my long-term health, right? So I think we all understand that having positive habits that lead to the results that we want is a good thing. The problem is that there’s this default part of our brains called the primitive brain that is always trying to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and be efficient. And we have to override that. And it’s particularly challenging in modern society where there are literally companies creating, apps all of the time. We have tons of them on our phones already that are meant to get you addicted in a way that might not be in alignment with the future you that you want to be.

So what can we do? Well, I love this question that someone wrote in. I’m going to read it and answer it, and then I’m also going to talk about kind of how I think about habits and sprinkle in my story just to kinda give you some perspective because just like you, I am doing this work my friend. I have that primitive brain that loves me some housewives and loves me some peanut butter m and ms. So, how to manage that and whether to, cut things like TV or sugar out versus, moderating, you know, these are all important questions if we’re living intentionally and purposefully. So I’m doing this work and I’m excited to dive in to today’s podcast with you. Let’s start off with the member of this community who wrote in and said:

I’m trying to find more joy in my life and motherhood, but I keep falling into bad habits. Examples are constantly checking my phone, watching too much Netflix, not journaling, eating too much sugar, then beating myself up and really feeling like I should be doing better. I want to do these things, but I just don’t see how to get myself to do them. I’m wondering how to stop these bad habits to create a better, happier life, as cliche as that sounds.

I get it, I get that it sounds cliche, I hear you. And also it’s kind of what we all want, right? It’s kind of why we’re doing this work to help us improve our lives, to help us live more fulfilling lives, to make our lives better and easier, because that sounds fun, right? So I don’t think it’s a silly question to ask. I think it’s an important one, and I am so grateful for you to have written in and ask this.

I think it’s going to be really helpful for, um, everyone listening. The very first thing that I want to start off with is to change how you’re thinking about these habits instead of labeling them as bad. Let’s remove the morality because so far you are not talking about anything as far as I can tell, that really is something you would want to think of as morally right or wrong, good or bad. Like you’re not talking about stealing or robbing a bank, right? You’re talking about whether you should watch more TV or not. And the reason that this matters is because if you are labeling your habits as bad, you are likely to make that mean that you are bad or you’re doing something bad or wrong, and then you’re more likely to beat yourself up. So instead of thinking about, you know, these habits as good or bad, or right or wrong, think about them as having benefits and drawbacks.

IE you know, said differently as having consequences. So the consequences of any of your actions either support the life that you want or they don’t support the life that you want. So in this case, you are in the habit of doing some things that don’t support the long-term life that you want. That’s a much more helpful way of talking about this topic. Instead of labeling these habits or actions as good or bad, right or wrong, when we talk about habits, there’s often a tension between what feels good in the moment and what truly fulfills us. Over time. Checking your phone, binging Netflix or grabbing that sugary snack might give you a quick dopamine hit instant pleasure, but these habits usually don’t contribute to lasting happiness. In fact, they often lead to feelings of guilt, frustration, or even a sense of disconnection from what you really want in your life.

And the key here to real happiness is learning to delay that short-term gratification for something much more meaningful. When you choose habits that align with your deeper desires like journaling, exercising, you know, being more present with your family, you might not get that instant buzz that the dopamine hit gives you, but you are building something so much more valuable and important. You are aligned with your purpose. You are creating a life that’s in harmony with who you want to be. And over time these habits contribute to your sense of fulfillment and create more joy and long-term happiness. So yes, turning off Netflix in the moment might feel like a sacrifice. It might feel challenging, it probably will, but it’s actually an investment in your long-term happiness. By living in alignment with your values and desires, you are creating a life that feels richer and more satisfying. It’s about shifting your mindset from seeking that temporary pleasure to embracing habits that fulfill you on a deeper level. And in the end, that’s where true happiness lives. Beyond the instant gratification and inside the choices that support the life you want to live.

I personally experienced this most recently when I was navigating two under two before I had my third child. I remember thinking, I don’t have time to work on my goals right now. And I also was thinking, I deserve to watch an episode of reality TV every night. My reality TV of choice is the Housewives. So I would typically watch Bravo, in the evenings after the kids were asleep. And there’s nothing wrong with this. This isn’t to say that reality TV is bad or morally wrong. I just realized that I was giving myself the excuse of not having time to work on my goals, but at the same time, I was watching an hour of TV and if you had asked me intentionally, would you rather spend an hour of your time working on a goal that’s important to you or watching reality TV 10 outta 10 times, I’m going to tell you I want to work on my goal.

But I wasn’t doing that. And what I realized was that I was trading that long-term fulfillment for that instant pleasure in the moment, that false pleasure. So by increasing my awareness, once I realized what I was doing, then I decided more intentionally and I gave up TV for that entire period, I think until I got pregnant with my third and was really nauseous and needed some reprieve from doing anything, and just wanted to lay on the couch and, and watch TV through all of that nausea. And that sort of is a side note that I do want to mention. This isn’t to remove pleasures from your life, it’s to just be more intentional with respect to those pleasures. So for example, if I had been working on my goals and also watching TV and I liked that I was doing both of those things and I wasn’t blaming time for not working on my goals, then that would be a completely different situation.

And so it’s again, not vilifying TV or any of the kind of dopamine producing, habits that you might be in. It’s instead noticing, okay, am I doing these habits that are creating a negative result for me at my own expense? Meaning am I at the same time, you know, using my my time and resources as an excuse for not working on my goals or you know, any of the other things that I want to do in my life, but yet I’m engaging in these habits that don’t serve me. So that’s the difference there. What I love about the work we do here at Mom On Purpose is how it dovetails so nicely with habits without even typically focusing on habits. So what I mean by that is at Mom On Purpose, most of the work we’re doing is using our prefrontal brains to make better decisions that align with the life we want to create.

So a lot of times that means starting with our mindset and creating a mindset that better serves us. And that takes energy from your prefrontal brain. It’s not a habit. It’s changing the way that you think so that you can then get into the habit of thinking in a way that really serves you. And that’s what I mean when I say that this dovetails so nicely, is that while we’re starting from a place of deliberate choice, of slower thinking, of using that prefrontal brain, ultimately the goal is that this new way of thinking, this new way of feeling, this new way of acting, they all become habits, right? A habit is a routine or behavior that is typically automatic or done unconsciously. So the goal is, okay, let’s take a look at your default mindset. That is your habit. If it’s not serving you, then let’s change it.

And the work to change it is a little bit uncomfortable because you’re not in the habit of it. But over time, practicing that repetition and practice over and over and over then puts that new mindset into your subconscious so that it’s a habit. So for example, if, you’re struggling with your in-laws and you have the thought my in-laws don’t like me and this is a big problem, and you have that story playing constantly, you are going to show up as a less likable version of yourself and that is the default story. But if we take a look at that story and we pull it apart and we play around with it and we come up with a more supportive and also believable story for you, you can then practice that new believable story enough times that it then becomes that new habit and the new mindset habit that you’re in then creates the new feelings. So instead of feeling disconnected with your in-laws, you all of a sudden start to feel connected with them. It does take the practice and repetition and that’s why I suggest coming into a program like Mom On Purpose because inside there you can get that accountability from me and have access to all of the tools to put the, the repetition and the practice into your regular life so that the thoughts, the mindsets, the feelings, the actions that you are intentionally creating do become habits.

So with that all in mind, let’s talk about 11 habits that I really do think if you work on stopping these, it will lead to a happier life, a more fulfilled long-term life. And I thought it would be fun to give you the habit to stop and then what to replace it with just for kind of a different style here. I think that would be fun for all of you, hopefully. So number one is constantly checking your phone. You can replace that with designated phone free times to be more present with your kids and yourself. I coach a lot around screen time inside the Membership with parent questions and navigating the challenges that come along with screen time. And what I’m always fascinated with is it’s always presented with respect to the kids, how to navigate screen time with kids. But let’s turn it around and first navigate it with yourself.

Do you have phone free time? Do you have screen free time, designated areas or blocks of time throughout your day where you’re not checking any screens? This is a beautiful way to, get off your phone and get off of those dopamine producing apps and help you stay more present with yourself, with your family and with your life. Number two, stop comparing yourself to other moms. This one is so important because on default our brains look to our peer groups to see how we’re doing to evaluate if we’re doing well. So if the neighbors have all their kids in five activities each, we take that to mean, oh, I’m supposed to have my kids in five activities each. But that is not true. Your life isn’t supposed to look like her life. So you can replace this habit with celebrating your unique journey, celebrating what works for you and your family.

And the more you live into your purpose, the easier this is because then you’re not kind of so tripped up when someone’s doing something differently. You know what your purpose is, what your priorities are. I taught a class on this that you get when you join the membership called Purpose, Priorities and Balance. And it’s so helpful for you to stay out of that comparison trap that’s so easy to fall into without doing this work. Number three is to stop negative self-talk. This is huge. I think that we just don’t even realize as women that the way that we talk to ourselves is optional and often on default we have a really harsh negative inner self critic. So the first step is to increase your awareness around the way that you’re talking to yourself and then to change the way you’re talking to yourself, add in words of kindness and especially on your toughest days.

So replace the negative self-talk with affirmations and kindness towards yourself. Number four, stop over committing. Replace this with learning to say no and set clear boundaries for your time. This is a big one. There is a reason why people pleasing is such a hot topic inside the Membership and it is because we are trained to people please from a very young age. We are taught that when we do things that are pleasing to others, we’re told that we’re good. We grew up in era of being told you’re a good girl or you’re a good boy. So you know, if you performed well, your parents told you you’re such a good girl and what you grew up to make that mean likely is that in order to be seen as good, you need to please others. The problem with this is it’s way out of, the scope of what is really going to be helpful for you.

So you do want to care to some extent what other people think, and you do want to consider other people’s requests and yet you want to care more about what you think so that you can honor your truth. And so what this looks like is learning to say no and set clear boundaries. Number five, stop skipping the self-care. This one is so easy to skip because we all have the excuse of not enough time, and yet you are not a robot or a machine and you need to take care of yourself. It’s the only way for you to live a happy, fulfilled life. You have to take care of yourself. And so replace skipping self-care with prioritizing small, meaningful self-care rituals. Even something as small as practicing 10 minutes of silence every single day, that’s a way for you to get calm and get grounded and get into your feminine energy and connect with yourself and help reduce the amount of times that you are overstimulated or triggered just in 10 minutes every single day.

Alright, number six, stop procrastinating on purposeful tasks and replace this with completing one small step towards something you’re working on, like a goal each day. If you are putting off your goals, if you are procrastinating, if you are thinking, I don’t have time for this schedule in a really small amount of time for you to work on whatever it is that you’re working on, it might not move the needle a ton, but zero to one is so hard. And so that small momentum really will build my friend. Number seven, stop eating mindlessly. And this can include too much sugar or whatever it is that you are eating or drinking, really that you’re doing kind of unconsciously to get that little hit throughout the day. And you can replace this with intentional eating habits and you can start small. It is so wild to me to think about how drinking is just not a part of my life.

Like I’m now in the habit of drinking non-alcoholic beverages all the time. Like I don’t drink alcohol at all. And it was a significant part of my life. Happy hours going out on the weekends. Obviously this was before kids, but still it was a big part of my adult life. And I mean there’s a reason why it’s called mommy wine culture. It’s not that you become a mom and drinking all of a sudden is off the table. The same thing is true with eating and overeating or eating things that you know aren’t going to lead to you at your healthiest or the person who you want to be. So replacing this kind of mindless eating or mindless drinking simply with intentional eating habits that nourish your body and give you energy is a great place to start if you want to work on your health. And you can do this one little small change at a time.

Number eight, watching too much TV and or Netflix. And again, replace this with intentional screen time and balancing it with other activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. One of my private clients took classes on how to create floral arrangements and I just absolutely love this. Like how fun. And when I think about the joy that that would bring me and the new skill versus kind of that dopamine hit that I get in the moment from watching some reality tv, there’s just no comparison. And yet going to that class is not going to give me that same instant gratification. And so there is a trade off, but the long-term benefit, my friend is so worth it. So just think about what you want to replace that time with. And it might not be a class, it might be that you’re watching TV late at night, you can go to bed, you can train yourself to go to bed earlier.

It’s up to you. It’s really not prescriptive. It’s more about getting that awareness around the habits that you’re doing that aren’t creating the results that you want and then changing them. And if Netflix is one of those, then that’s an opportunity for you to choose differently. You always have a choice. Number nine, give up living on default in autopilot mode and replace this with being more intentional. And this is sort of a catchall because this is all of the work that we do here at Mom On Purpose and it’s work that I’m so passionate about because we all can just live on default and you’re not a better person for living more purposefully. You just get all of the awesome benefits for doing so. So you navigate your life with so much more ease and connection and the results that you want. There are still challenging days and seasons and moments, but you have tools to help you through them.

It’s such a gift to give yourself, my friend. Number 10, stop feeling guilty over not being good enough and replace that with accepting that you are perfectly imperfect, that you are a human being, that your worth is 100% good inside. And as a human being, you will make mistakes and get it all wrong and fail and it doesn’t impact your goodness internally. If that is one habit that you could get into in the next year, my friend I 10 out of 10, recommend it because it will change your relationships. It will change the way you approach yourself and your life so much for the better. So again, it’s not feeling like you are a failure. You might fail at something, right? Like you can fail a test, but the difference is you don’t make that mean that you are a failure. So if you yell and you’re making that mean you are a failure as a mom, that is work worth doing.

You want to learn how to accept yourself and love yourself. Oh my gosh, there is the most incredible Self-Love class. I taught it last year. It’s in the, library inside the Mom On Purpose Membership where I make self-love practices really specific and doable. There are six categories and you can get started with them right away and it really will help you love yourself so that you’re not constantly feeling like anytime you make a mistake or get it wrong, you’re failing as a mom. Alright my friends, lastly, stop punishing yourself for doing habits that aren’t getting you the results that you want. I instead, you can replace that punishment towards yourself with self-compassion and curiosity. This isn’t just a good idea, it’s actually the way to create change. If you are kinder and more compassionate with yourself and you have more curiosity towards yourself, you can uncover what’s really going on for you and change it versus being that harsh, critical, judgmental version of yourself towards yourself.

Who has to hear that when you are saying those mean things to yourself, that doesn’t lead to change. I love to use the analogy of a coach. If you had a coach who was trying to punish you and being really mean and critical and harsh, it would feel awful. On the other hand though, you wouldn’t want a coach who would say, oh, no big deal. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t do anything that you said you were going to do. Let’s forget about it. You want the coach who says, Hey, what’s going on here? You’re not in trouble, you’re not bad, you’re not wrong. And also you have these things that are important to you. Why aren’t you doing them? Let’s take a look and figure out why and what we need to do to change so that you can get the results that you want in your life so that you can create the life that you want.

That is that self-compassion, that fierce love and gentle love that I teach. And that’s really, really helpful. So considering this list of 11 habits to stop doing for a happier, more fulfilling life, choose one to work on and just focus on that one and do one at a time. There is no rush. One of my clients really wanted to do one every 30 days and I said, that’s fine if your brain adopts the habit within 30 days, but for some habits it’s going to take 90 days. And so planning it out that way I don’t find to be the most helpful. Instead, let’s put ’em in order and choose one at a time to work on. So with that, I want to talk with you next about tips for changing your habits because, there are a lot of different ways, a lot of different strategies, and I just want to talk with you about what I do and what I find to be the most helpful.

Tip number one is to change your identity first. Why does this matter? Habits stick better when they are tied to how you see yourself. If you identify as someone who’s intentional and balanced, you’re more likely to follow through with behaviors that align with living intentionally and balanced. It’s about embodying that identity of who you want to become. So here is kinda a tip for you to get started with this. Start creating identity statements. I am a calm mom, I prioritize self-care. When you believe this about yourself, your actions will naturally align with your identity. It’s the fastest way to create change. I have changed my identity so many times, my friends, it’s my favorite thing to work on because I get results this way so much faster than just trying to change my actions without doing the mindset work. Most notably shifting from feeling like I was really alpha female and type A to a more grounded present and calm mom.

And this happened by changing the narrative, the story, the mindset that I had about myself. I truly thought I was as a fact an alpha female. I didn’t realize that that was a story that wasn’t serving me for the changes that I wanted to make. And through changing my identity through doing this work, I saw that that was only part of me and I could keep that part of me. I could still be ambitious and set goals and have that type a side of me and I could learn how to calm down, feel more grounded and kind of exude femininity and that I wasn’t just this alpha female that didn’t have access to that. I’m telling you my friends, it was life changing work, working on my identity. Okay, the second tip that I have for you for changing your habits is to create a plan.

Vague goals lead to vague results. Creating a clear actionable plan gives you structure and it reduces overwhelm. You know that either you’re following your plan or you’re not. And if you are following your plan and it’s not working, then you need to change your plan. So it just makes everything so much easier. It’s, it’s not like vague and mysterious why something isn’t working. It allows you to map out what specific changes you want to make and how you’ll actually make them. So for example, if you want to reduce screen time, whether that’s on your phone and or with Netflix, create a specific schedule, a specific plan for how you’re going to do that. Maybe it’s from, you know, 5:00 PM to 8:00 PM you keep your phone in a drawer or you put it on silent and there are no screens out at all and you just start there and you can add on to that.

I personally always like to approach plans with the smallest actions first because I know my brain and I know that getting from zero to one is the hardest. So for example, if I want to get into the habit of working out, and I don’t particularly love working out other than you know, chasing around my little ones and going on walks, like if I wanted to lift weights for example, it’s not something that I find to be particularly fun or enjoyable and yet I know it benefits my long-term health. So I really take small actions to help me go from zero to one and it’s not going to turn me into the most fit person that I could possibly be, but it is going to get the momentum going, putting clothes out to work out the night before, getting my water bottle ready, putting the exercise equipment out and the mat out and the dumbbells out and all of those things to set myself up for success and telling myself, okay, we’re going to exercise for 15 minutes and now your brain will want to argue with you that that’s not enough time, but I promise you my friends, doing any time is better than doing no time.

So create a plan and follow through. Tip number three is to test and find out what works TAFOW. Why this matters is because not every habit change method works for everyone. So trying different approaches can help you discover what fits with you, your lifestyle and your personality. This way you can create systems that work for you, not against you.

So treat this like an experiment. Try different strategies, try habit stacking for example. That’s where you pair a new habit with something you already do. Like you might do an identity statement right after you brush your teeth every day in the morning and at night. So if you brush your teeth, you know right after that habit that you’re already in that you’re going to repeat an identity statement. Okay? That’s something that you could try and see if you like it, see if you’re getting the results that you want from it. Tip number four is to focus on consistency over perfection. Where are my type A perfectionists? My friends? Are you with me? Right? We like to do a good job. And where that gets us into trouble is when we use it against ourselves. So habits aren’t about being perfect every single day. They’re really just about you showing up regularly enough to build momentum. So if you slip and you watch more TV than you would have liked, that’s okay. Let’s focus on what are we doing tomorrow.

You can use a habit tracker. I know there are lots of apps and worksheets and all of those things. I don’t do that, but by all means, have at it. Do what works for you because again, you’re looking for what’s going to work for me in my life. And the last tip I have for you is to start small and build on from there. Starting too big can lead to burnout. Small changes are more sustainable and can compound over time to create massive shifts. So pick one habit to start with. Keep it really small. If your goal is to journal daily, start with one minute of journaling every single day and increase it as it becomes a regular part of your routine. Now your brain will tell you, one minute isn’t enough. This is silly. I should just not even bother. But you have to answer your brain and say, it does matter.

This isn’t silly. This is about me starting a new habit. So there is discomfort, there is resistance because by definition it’s not currently a habit yet we’re trying to get it to be a habit. And so there will be resistance because your brain isn’t conditioned to do the thing. Otherwise you would be in the habit of doing the thing and you wouldn’t be trying to start it. So give yourself a break. Allow yourself to experience that resistance. Come get coaching on it, come get accountability from me on it so that you can really reinforce that. Giving up the kind of instant pleasures that don’t get you the results that you want, that feel good in the moment, but are sort of those false pleasures that giving those up is worth it for your long term happiness and satisfaction.

And that doesn’t mean you don’t have pleasures in your daily life, but it’s different because they’re intentional and they’re not working against you. All right, my friends, let’s create some awesome habits and live into those habits in this next year. I love you so much. I will talk with you next week. Take care.

Thank you for being here and listening. Now, head on over to momonpurpose.com/coaching to learn more about the Mom On Purpose Membership, where we take all of this work to the next level.