If you yell at your kids, two things are true—you’re not alone and you’re a good mom. I know it doesn’t feel that way, but I promise, it’s true. AND there is a way for you to stop yelling, once and for all.

Proven Ways To Stop Yelling At Your Kids

Yelling is an action, which means that there’s a thought and feeling driving that action. When you learn how to identify the thoughts and feelings, create better feeling thoughts, then combine that will processing your feelings (instead of reacting to them), you will stop yelling.

The process to stop yelling at your kids is incredibly simple. It’s not always easy, but it is simple. I like to compare it to working out. Exercising is straightforward. It’s simple. Yet, sometimes, we don’t do it even though we “know better.” Yelling is the same way. In the 11 proven ways to stop yelling listed below, you’ll understand why, as well as learn what to do to actually stop yelling permanently.

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1. Learn what triggers you.

When I coach my mom clients about how to stop yelling at their kids, there’s typically one trigger that bothers them most. Is it bedtime? Getting out the door in the mornings? Your kids fighting? Something else? What is it that bothers you the most or that you find yourself yelling most often?

This is your starting point to stop yelling—understanding when you’re most likely to yell.

2. Get curious about yourself, so you can change.

Thoughts create feelings and feelings drive actions. Yelling is an action. If you’re “quick to yell” or find yourself yelling at your kids when you don’t want to, there’s something that you’re thinking and feeling on default that your brain and body have memorized that lead you to yell.

Here’s the equation:

Thought –> Feeling –> Action

[“Your thought”] –> Frustration/Anger –> Yell

Fill in the blank above with the specific thought you’re thinking.

For example, your thought might be something like, “my kids always fight at bedtime and they shouldn’t.”

This thought is the reason you yell.

This is good to know about yourself.

3. Give yourself a time out.

Instead of giving your kids a time out (which emotionally isolates them and teaches them that their feelings are too big for you to handle), give yourself a time out.

You can communicate this to your kids, too. It sounds like this, “mommy is feeling really frustrated right now so I’m going to give myself some space and take a time out. I’ll be right back.”

Then excuse yourself and get regulated. Please your hand on your heart and breathe through the emotion, so you process it instead of react to it.

4. Don’t expect perfection.

Yelling at your kids doesn’t make you a bad mom, it makes you a human mom.

Instead of judging yourself (and yelling at yourself) for yelling at your kids, give yourself the same grace and compassion that you want to extend to your kids.

I promise this won’t make you apathetic or want to yell more. It will help you actually stop yelling at your kids from the root cause because you won’t be hiding in shame; you’ll be more aware of what’s going on for you and willing to try new ways of solving this challenge.

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5. Practice better feeling thoughts.

Using the framework above, come up with thoughts that create better feelings for you.

For example, if this is your default equation:

Thought: “my kids always fight at bedtime and they shouldn’t” —> Feeling: frustrated —> Action: Yell

Create this new equation:

Thought: “my kids are supposed to fight at bedtime and I get to help them learn relationship skills through these disagreements that will help them for the rest of their lives” —> Feeling: calm —> Action: help kids stop fighting and get to bed calmly.

When you practice better feeling thoughts, you won’t get frustrated and yell. The circumstance stays the same, but you change. And that’s all it takes to stop yelling. I promise.

Just like riding a bike or learning to cook, it takes practice. Your brain and body are in the habit of yelling, so you’ll have resistance creating the new habit of not yelling. But that’s okay! The more you practice, the better you get (just like anything else). Eventually, this will become your new default if you keep practicing.

6. Build the skill of processing your feelings.

Even with creating your better feeling thoughts, you still have a default brain that will get frustrated or angry from time to time. When this happens, you can use the skill of Processing Feelings, where you 1) name the emotion, 2) welcome it, 3) describe it in your body, and 4) breathe through it. This will stop you from yelling even when you feel frustrated or angry.

7. Expect more of yourself and less of your kids.

It’s common for my clients to want their triggers to change (i.e.: to change the circumstance). They think that the circumstance is what makes them frustrated and yell. So it follows to want to expect more of your kids so they can change and you don’t yell. But this isn’t actually what’s happening. You yell because of your thoughts and feelings. And you can change those! It’s hard and will leave you feeling very disempowered trying to control your kids.

So, instead of trying to change my kids, I try to change myself. I have more control over this and it’s much easier. I expect more of myself and less of my kids. I’m older and have the capacity in ways they don’t. And this is true for you, too, my friend.

8. Practice the mantra, “connection before correction.”

As mom, you have a lot on your plate. This includes being “teacher” to your kids. It also includes keeping your kids safe. Between these two responsibilities, it’s very easy to find yourself correcting your kids non-stop.

  • “Don’t touch that.”
  • “Don’t stand on there or you’ll get hurt.”
  • “Say please and thank you.”
  • “Share your toys with your sister.”

And on and on. You can spend the entire day correcting if you’re not mindful of it.

One simple way to shift this is to remind yourself of “connection before correction.” This means connect with your child before you correct them. Connection is something you feel, it’s not something you do. When you feel connected, the way you correct will be kinder, more grounded, and more loving. This is a win for both you and your child. It also leads to less yelling because you’ll have to have different thoughts that create connection. Click Here for more on Connection Over Correction.

9. Increase your patience capacity.

Patience is the ability to stay calm when you really want something.

For example, you want your kids to stop fighting during bedtime. Your ability to stay calm while wanting that is your patience capacity.

We all have a certain capacity to stay calm while wanting. This is rooted in our experience and our biology. How quickly our nervous system is activated is something we can manage, though. With thought and feeling work (i.e: with coaching), you can increase your patience capacity.

10. Believe in yourself.

Your likelihood of success hinges largely on your belief in yourself.

If you believe you can stop yelling, then you’ll continue to try even if you fail along the way.

If you believe you can’t stop yelling, you’ll likely stop trying.

Practice believing that it’s possible for you to stop yelling and you’re well on your way to becoming the version of yourself that doesn’t yell.

11. Join a coaching program to stop yelling at your kids.

More than anything, practicing this work is what will create the new circuits in your brain to help you stop yelling.

That’s what I teach my clients how to do in my coaching membership for moms. CLICK HERE to learn about coaching for moms.

A Final Note

You are not an angry mom. You are a mom who FEELS angry from time to time. But that is not who you are. You are an amazing, capable, and loving mom. Keep doing this work and you’ll be a mom who doesn’t yell before you know it. I believe in you!