Parenting Tool: Stay Out Of Get My Child Mode

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Hello my beautiful friends. I am so excited to be here with you today to talk about one of my favorite parenting tools that is such a game changer for I think all stages of parenting. It’s when I use personally, it’s when I coach on inside the Mom On Purpose Membership, help my clients with it. I just find it to be a complete game changer and it is a perspective shift, but it leads to completely different actions or at least the way you take the actions will be so different when you make this change.

So I’m really excited to share it with you and it is called staying out of get my child mode. What is the Get my Child mode? Well, anytime you have the thought, how do I get my child to fill in the blank? So how do I get my baby to sleep through the night? How do I get my toddler to stop hitting? How do I get my kid to do his homework? How do I get my teenager to come home on time? How do I get my adult child to make better decisions? All of these are examples of get my child mode. So it doesn’t matter if you have a baby at home, a school-aged kid, or you are an empty nester. I know we have mamas with kids of all ages and this is why I love this tool because it applies to any stage of life and it really applies to any relationship that you are in.

I also teach this with respect to marriage. You want to stay out of how do I get my spouse mode? Uh, but for purposes of today and this specific tool and the way I want to talk about it, it’s just through the lens of parenting. When you are in Get my Child Mode, you will have very controlling behavior and you will be focusing on trying to change your kids’ actions and it will feel very disempowering because your kids’ actions are outside of their control. It often shows up looking like nagging, looking like you know, repeatedly asking for something and maybe leading to yelling. It definitely looks like punishments. It looks like trying to fix something and kind of carry something that isn’t yours to carry nor yours to fix. It looks like threatening or bribing all of these sort of actions or tactics that you know, ultimately aren’t us showing up as our best selves will show up when you are in Get My Child Mode, and I love calling it this because it gives you something to say to yourself when you notice in the moment that that’s what you’re doing.

So when you are trying to get your kids to listen better or you know, stop watching TV or whatever it is, if you’re thinking the thought, how do I get my kid to fill in the blank, you can just immediately say to yourself, okay, I am in get my child mode. And the reason that it’s problematic is because it puts you against your child. So then it’s you against him or her. And this creates a power struggle. So if you just think of tug of war, it’s like your child doesn’t want to do this thing and you want your child to do this thing or vice versa, and now you’re pulling the rope against each other. So it’s literally a power struggle. And ultimately the problem with that is, is I really believe that it damages the relationship and it also feels really miserable. And you know this, if you identify as a control enthusiast, maybe like I used to, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Anytime you try to control someone else, you will feel miserable because it’s not yours to control. So why do we do it if we feel so miserable? I think it’s because we don’t know what else to do. It seems like, you know, if we want our child to have different behavior, then the obvious thing to do is to think how do I get them to do that behavior? And you probably were parented this way as well. And so I think like that’s where it comes from. But I think that when we see how problematic it is and that there’s an alternative, it’s a really easy fix to clean up. And it doesn’t mean you’re going to be this permissive passive parent that just, you know, allows your kids to run the show. You are still the leader of your family. Now of course if you have adult children, your leadership is different, right?

You’re not your kids at home. There aren’t rules that you set like screen time on this day at this time or whatever, but you can still show up in the way that you want to show up as a mother of an adult child. And we’ll get to that in a second. But I just want you to answer that part of your brain that might be saying right now, like, okay, that, you know, sounds interesting at a minimum, but you can’t really figure out how practically you would even consider doing that because your kids are engaging in behavior that you don’t really like. And that’s really what this is about. Anytime we’re in get my child mode, there’s something your child is doing or not doing and you want them to be either doing it or not doing it. So they’re not doing their homework and you want them to be doing their homework, they’re hitting and you want them to stop hitting.

So when you think about it from this perspective, it puts you against your child and it leads to power struggles, it leads to punishments, it leads to damaging the relationship because you end up trying to control your child’s actions. It is that authoritative parenting that is rooted in just behavior modification that ignores what’s really going on and the whole child and why the child is acting the way that they’re acting. So now I want to just shift into talking about kids. And it doesn’t matter what age they are, I just want you to think of your kids and I want you to think about how they have God-given agency to think, feel, and act however they want, right? We know this just like you have it, we can move our hands however we want. We can get up out of the chair if we want.

We can think whatever thoughts we want, we can feel however we want to feel. We can do whatever we want to do. It doesn’t mean there’s not consequences, but you know, from a logistics, from a scientific standpoint, we have agency like all humans do. So your kids do too. I want you to know that they are supposed to have agency. It seems like we have the kind of prevalent thought that they should obey me. My kids should listen to me. And they sound like such innocent thoughts because obviously you have the best interest for your kids in mind, but they’re actually really unhelpful thoughts because what you’re suggesting is that you should be able to control your kids, right? And I love reminding myself of this when my boys aren’t listening to me. I instead of telling myself, my boys aren’t listening to me, they should listen to me.

I just tell myself, oh, I think I should be able to control them. Of course I shouldn’t be able to control them. So we’re not going to say, oh, well he has agency to do that. You know, it’s totally fine, you know, he can throw the car at his brother or whatever. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m not suggesting we’re going to go to permissive parenting with this. I am suggesting though, that you shift your focus away from trying to turn your kids into robots who obey you. They are supposed to push boundaries. They are supposed to be in charge of their lives and that includes making choices that we wouldn’t want to make for them. But I try to remember that they are leading their own movie. They are the main character in their movie. It’s not like I’m in the movie directing the movie for them.

I am like, you know, in the audience watching the movie, maybe throwing out some suggestions here or there. I don’t know where the movie is going. Doesn’t mean I always like where the movie’s going, but I approach it from fascination and curiosity and respect versus negativity and judgment, right? I think that’s what a lot of us do on default. It’s like, oh my gosh, how could they do that? Right? There’s all this negative judgment towards our kids who take actions that we don’t want them to take. And you don’t have to change your value system or like their actions, but you can approach it in a much more respectful team oriented way that maintains the relationship. Because as the mamas with adult children listening, no, at some point your kids leave home and what’s left is the relationship. I mean, and that really happens even sooner than that.

It’s like by the time they’re teenagers, they’re you know, these budding young adults who, who know so much more, their brains are so much more developed and the relationship really starts to matter the most. And so you want to make sure that you protect that and you have that in mind as you are parenting. And that’s not to say it’s ever too late. I don’t ever think it’s too late even with adult children, but you have to change the way that you’re approaching your kids and that can be done at any age, whether it’s a baby, a school aged kid, or a young adult. So your kids have agency, they’re supposed to push boundaries. They are not supposed to obey you blindly. And if you just think about this, if your kids obey you blindly all of the time, what does that say about what they’re going to do in, you know, peer pressure situations?

Like whenever I see my kids kind of asserting their independence or pushing boundaries, like I see it as a move of confidence. Like I love that about them. Now again, that does not mean I’m saying yes. That does not mean that, you know, they’re going to step into the leadership role. I know my role, but I don’t think that it’s a problem and I don’t think that they should all of a sudden obey me and do everything I say and you know, turn into these robots who just don’t have agency. Okay? And so I like viewing them as humans who have agency who are supposed to push boundaries and they are supposed to make mistakes. And that’s hard to see as parents. And yet when we view it as part of life, it’s not so shocking. It’s like when I coach parents whose teen may have lied, let’s remove the shock factor, okay?

It’s not shocking at all, right? We’ve all lied before. That’s not to say that lying is good or that we want to value lying. Of course we want to value honesty. I think everyone listening to this podcast would say, yes, I value honesty and I want to instill that in my kids. And I hold that value for myself of course. And of course for everyone listening, if I say, you know, I was coaching someone and their teenager lied, no one is falling out of their chair right now, right? That’s just like a part of it. It’s a part of growing up. And so when we remove the, the shock factor and we remove the labels, like either they’re a liar or they’re honest, you know, it’s not like that. It’s like we have kids who are human beings who are figuring out life and making mistakes.

And yes, it’s hard to see them but do that. But when we view it as ours to control, we disempower ourselves and we end up against our child. We end up trying to control them and we ruin the relationship that we have with them, or we at least damage it until we repair. So let me now go through the solution with you because I think that is going to make it so much clearer. The solution is to shift your focus back to you and the mom who you want to be. So instead of how do I get my child to, it’s what kind of mom do I want to be when? So I’m going to go through the examples that I named off in the beginning and talk with you about how you might approach this with this different perspective and how it would be so much more helpful.

So baby’s not sleeping through the night instead of how do I get my baby to sleep through the night, which is completely focused on the baby and outside of your control, as far as I know, you cannot force a baby to sleep. You can offer sleep, but the baby decides you know how much the baby will sleep. So instead of thinking, how do I get my baby to get my child mode shift to something like who do I want to be when my baby is waking up throughout the night? I love this question so much because you might still want to research different ways of encouraging baby sleep. You might want to, change up the nighttime routine. Now these are all things that could result in different types of sleep for your baby, maybe or maybe not. But the point is that you’re doing it from the mindset of, okay, this is the kind of mom I want to be.

So the success for you is based on what you can control so you can feel good about yourself regardless of the baby’s outcome, the baby’s results. So if baby continues to get up six times throughout the night, but you are in alignment with the mom who you want to be, which is I want to get up with my baby throughout the night. I want to practice doing tired without being mad or angry. I want to give myself as much love and self care as I can and I want to research different ways of encouraging baby sleep. And when you do all those things, it’s a success. You get to say, okay, I am showing up as the mom I want to be. So you own your results, right? Because I have had enough babies to know that they all sleep very differently. And what works for one doesn’t work for the other.

And that’s actually how it’s supposed to be. That is so normal. It doesn’t mean you can’t try different things, but when you try it, it from get my child mode, get my baby mode, it just feels disempowering. It feels like you’re only winning or succeeding if the baby actually sleeps. Versus this is who I want to be and this is what I want to try. And that is a success because I’m being the mom who I genuinely want to be. Do you see the difference there? It’s so much more empowering this way. Okay, let’s go to the next example. How do I get my toddler to stop hitting? Now, we would all agree, probably listening to this, that we do not want our toddlers hitting and we would also probably all know that sometimes toddlers hit. So what can you do? Well, the first thing that is the most important thing is to shift your perspective when you think, how do I get my toddler to stop hitting?

It’s focusing on their actions and thoughts and feelings drive all actions. And when you try to control your child’s behavior, it is a losing battle, okay? Now again, I am not suggesting that you go to the other end of the spectrum and you’re just permissive and you just allow your toddler to hit with no boundaries and no effort at all. But it’s a different experience for you and you will feel so much more confident and so much more empowered when you think about it from a different perspective. So instead of how do I get my toddler to stop hitting, it’s who do I want to be? What kind of mom do I want to be when my toddler is hitting? And I like to answer the question of like, what kind of mom do I want to be when with respect to thinking, feeling and acting. So it’s not just what do I want to do, right?

That’s the last question. That’s the action part. It’s what kind of mom do I want to be when fill in the blank. And that includes how I want to think about it, how I want to feel about it, and yes, what do I want to do? So if my child is hitting, which yes that happens, we have three boys, instead of how do I get my toddler to stop hitting? It’s what kinda mom do I want to be when my child is hitting? Okay, well here’s how I want to think about it. My toddler is struggling with impulse control. He’s not being defiant. My toddler is having really big emotions, likely frustration. And that’s the cause of his hitting, his inability to process his frustration. So the root cause of the hitting is him feeling frustrated and not knowing how to process it. That is a skill he can learn. Clearly, he needs more practice with that.

So I’m thinking about all of this, and that’s my mindset. So I’m not blaming him, I’m not punishing him. I am also not just excusing the behavior, right? But it’s, it’s, a mindset of like, I’m on the same team as him and I clearly need to help him and keep everyone in this family safe. And hitting is not an action that’s acceptable in our household. And since he hit, who do I want to be? Well, I want to think, okay, he needs help processing his frustration. Again, as an aside here, I’ll just say not surprising at all, very age appropriate. And still, how do I want to feel and how do I want to act? I want to feel connected, sturdy, steady, confident, loving. I want to feel present, firm, but warm instead of, you know, reactive, angry kind of thinking, negative thoughts. Like he always does this, why can’t he stop?

How do I get my, you know, toddler to stop hitting? None of those are helpful. And then my actions would be to stay calm, not yell, but to set and hold firm boundaries. That is really where I embody my authority and my kind of strength as a parent. Now if I know that one of my sons is more likely to hit, I am going to do my best. Of course, it’s not going to be 100% of the time, but I’m going to do my best to block the hit because I want to see him win. I want to help him. Clearly he needs more help with this. And yes, there’s teaching and modeling that I’m going to do out of the moment, but he’s a toddler. So it’s not like I’m going to do that outta the moment and then expect the next time he’s going to get it perfect.

It’s kind of like I teach and help moms inside the Mom On Purpose, Membership all of the time on how to stop yelling. And it’s not like the first time they ever get coached or they go through the class on How To Stop Yelling like they never yell again. It’s like you have to learn that skill. And I think sometimes we have such high expectations of our kids. Instead of how I like to view it is to have a higher expectation of myself. Now again, I am still holding boundaries and that means to the extent that I can, I’m going to try to block him from hitting. If I see that, that it’s escalating like that, or if I see that he hit afterwards, I’m going to remove him, separate him, be with him, help him calm down, you know, talk about how it’s not okay to hit, make sure that the sibling, his brother that he hit is okay.

And you know, we teach and we move on. I’m really careful not to blame and go into like the victim and the bully because I don’t find that to be helpful. But I’m also not passive. I think a lot of the tools that I teach here are newer. And so if you’re used to authoritative parenting and you hear this, you might think I’m just sitting there like allowing it or saying it’s okay that you hit, tell me about your feelings. That is not it at all. It’s just that I don’t sit there and think he’s a bad kid, he’s defiant. How do I get him to stop? He’s a bully or something like that. I’m having a very loving thoughts about him, but I’m also thinking that it’s my job to hold the boundaries and to help him learn how to process his anger and frustration without hitting.

I love him, I love his brother, I love all my boys and it’s my job to hold boundaries. And from time to time, you know, our kids, especially toddlers, are going to not only push boundaries but not have the skills yet to process their feelings. So I want to do a lot of modeling out of the moment. A lot of teaching, a lot of role play. If you have, you know, girls or boys, whatever, I, we use Dinos, you might use dolls, whatever it is, it’s like the more that I can teach it and talk about it, again that enables me to do something that I feel really good about versus trying to control their actions. Now I’m paying attention to what they’re doing. It’s not like I’m ignoring it. But there’s such a difference. It seems so subtle in the actions, but it’s so different in the way that you think and the way that you feel.

If you are in get my child mode, you will feel like you are losing. Like it’s not working. Like every time your child hits, you’re doing something wrong and they’re doing something wrong. And it’s so disconnecting it. It also doesn’t work, it’s like doesn’t stop the hitting. I know some people have tried like yelling or kind of instilling like a fear-based model and that I think is even worse for the relationship because I think they confuse respect with fear and they think, okay, if my child, you know, respects me, they’re not going to do that. But really your child is afraid of you because you yell. And so I try to approach it from the relationship, wanting to maintain that and also knowing my number one job is to keep my kids safe and I’m going to do that, not blaming any of them, not thinking how to, can I get them to behave differently?

But talking about feelings, modeling, appropriate ways to process feelings and deal with feelings and allow feelings and know that it’s a skill that they need to learn. Okay, let’s move on. That was a long one ’cause I know that many of you ask about that one with little ones like I have the next example was the kid not doing his homework. So instead of how do I get my kid to do his homework, which again focuses on what you can’t control, which is your kid’s actions, it’s who do I want to be when my kid doesn’t do his homework? How do I want to think, how do I want to feel and how do I want to act? You might think something like this is an opportunity for him to learn responsibility. And you might take a more hands off approach. Again, this is sort of like a vague example.

So there are going to be different circumstances. Come into the membership 24/7, Ask A Coach coaching, you can submit your question and I can help you because you’ll give me a lot more detail. This might be the first time it happened or, you know, he could be failing and the teacher may have called home. Like there’s a spectrum of not doing homework. And who do you want to be, I think is such an empowering decision. ’cause you had decide how do I want to think about this? How do I want to feel about this and how do I want to act? So I like to give my kids the benefit of the doubt and think that they are so capable and so committed and they will figure this out. Now, this doesn’t mean that I am all of a sudden going to expect the next day they do their homework, but it does mean that I believe in them.

And you can usually find ways that this is true. So let’s say that your child really doesn’t like school isn’t doing any of the assignments. I was coaching someone recently on a similar situation and I asked, were there any, or was there anything in her child’s life where he was really committed to? And she said, yeah, video games. Like he knows how to play video games, he knows how to show up for video games, he loves video games. And I said, see, he is ambitious. He’s just not ambitious in school. He’s ambitious though. And I think when we see that, then we start to see our kids differently. It’s not that they’re lazy or incapable, it’s that what they care about is not what you want them to care about. And that’s okay. You don’t have to want to go to school, you don’t have to want to do your homework.

You just have to do your homework and you have to go to school. That’s kind of how I approach it. And so again, instead of how do I get my kid to do his homework, it’s who do I want to be when my kid doesn’t do his homework? How do I want to think, how do I want to feel and how do I want to act? I might want to think something like, okay, if my kid doesn’t want to do his homework on his own, then I am going to take it upon myself to help him make this happen. So I might set up different types of structure. I might, turn, you know, TVs off for a period or, remove screens. And what’s really interesting about this, and what I’m saying here is the, the actions are very similar to what you might do from a punishment model, but the motivation is so different and your kids will sense that.

So if I’m viewing myself as on the same team with my kid and I want to help him win, and as part of being in our family, you go to school and you do your homework, then I’m going to think of creative ways to help him win. And that might include limiting screen time, for example. But I’m going to be telling him, Hey, like, I love you. I got you. We’re in this together, we’re going to figure this out. One of the ways that I want to try to figure this out since homework’s so challenging for you right now is to reduce screen time. I know you’re not going to like it, you don’t have to like it, like trust me, you can want and um, like whatever you want. That’s, that’s your prerogative, right? He has agency. We want to make sure that we are modeling that and not trying to convince them that they should be different.

And you’re the leader of the family, right? And so I’m deciding we’re going to limit screen time or we’re not going to do extracurricular until we prioritize homework. From a punishment model, it would sound like blame, it would sound like you better do your homework. If you don’t do your homework, I’m taking away, sports or TV or iPad or your friend time or whatever. It’s, it’s much more of a threat versus if you’re thinking like, Hey, we’re on the same team and I want to help my child do what he needs to do as part of being in this family, which is going to school and doing his homework, then part of that means I’m going to test and find out what works and I want to test and find out if limiting screen time or rearranging the way that we do our after school routine. And that might include one sport instead of three or whatever it is.

I’m going to try that again. It’s not from punishment, it’s from like, I respect you and I want to help you win. Like let’s try this and you know, teen or older child, like I’m open to suggestions. Now what I just described is a little bit for an older child, for a younger child it might be different, but do you see the difference here? That’s it’s really what I want you to see. It’s the perspective shift, it’s the mindset shift. When you respect your kids and you view them as being on the same team as you, it doesn’t mean that they’re going to like your decisions, but they will feel like you respect them and even if they’re mad or they don’t want to do what you say you’re going to do, the relationship will still main be maintained intact and you can still feel good about it because you’re showing up as the mom you want to be.

So instead of how do I get my kid to do his homework, it’s who do I want to be when my kid doesn’t do his homework? Think about it from a boss perspective. You’ve had bosses who were disconnecting, who were more authoritative, who micromanaged, who you did not like working for. And now contrast that with a boss who’s very team oriented, who tries to get everyone on board who you don’t agree with everything that they decide, but you respect them and you liked working for them, they’re still making the decisions, but it’s much more respectful and it’s in a way that preserves the relationship. It’s exact same thing here, or at least very similar with respect to kids and parenting. Okay, next example. How do I get my teenager to come home on time instead of get my child mode? Who do I want to be when my teenager doesn’t come home on time?

How do I want to think? How do I want to feel? How do I want to act? Maybe I want to feel, connected, maybe I want to feel peaceful and maybe I want to feel firm and maybe I want to feel curious instead of feeling panicked or resentful or worried. Okay? So notice how you feel because how you feel will drive your actions. So you could ask very similar questions like, hey, what’s going on? Like, you know when curfew is, you’re not coming home on time, like, I want to talk about it, I want to hear your perspective. You could ask those same questions, but if you are fueled by worry, it will come off in a way that sounds very worried, very panicky, and your team will pick up on that. And it’s really hard to be open and honest when you feel like your parent is, trying to control you and approaching you with worry and panic.

And so just clean up your side of the street. Now again, does this mean that your child all of a sudden doesn’t push boundaries, comes home on time, does their homework stops hitting? No, but remember we’re not trying to get them to turn into robots. We are trying to step into our leadership as moms, as parents, and show up as the moms that we want to be. That’s why I love motherhood so much. It’s such an opportunity for growth. Like all of this leadership skill building. That’s what parenting is. It’s amazing. And so in this case, with the teen not coming home on time, you might, you know, decide, okay, if you are not going to come home on time, I’m going to come and pick you up from where you’re at. Or, we’re going to have to take a break from going out on the weekends until we work on you coming home on time.

And that will be done from love, from a respectful conversation, which will be very different than if it’s from disconnection and get my child mode, which is like, you’re grounded, you can’t come home on time, you’re punished basically. Do you see the difference there? Okay, last one. How do I get my adult child to make better decisions? This comes up all of the time in the Mom On Purpose Membership. I have coached on it countless times because adult children do things that we do not expect and that we do not like. And that’s okay. You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to change your values or your views, but instead of trying to control them, especially when they are adults, it is going to not only feel really disempowering and make you feel crazy, but it’s going to create a lot of disconnection in the relationship.

And so instead of how do I get my child to fill in the blank, my adult child here focus on who do I want to be when my adult child is making decisions, x, y, z? Maybe they’re drinking, maybe they’re with a partner you don’t like, maybe they’re not practicing the religion that you raise them in, whatever it is they’re doing something you don’t like it, you think, how do I get them to stop? That is the part that I want to help you with because you still can decide you don’t want to like it for them. Most of the time when I’m coaching moms with adult kids, they actually want to, you know, hold the belief that they don’t think this is best for their child. And I don’t think that’s problematic. What’s problematic is thinking I know what’s best for my child, okay? It’s kind of like when my dad, was alive and he was an alcoholic and when he was drinking, I didn’t like that.

I wouldn’t choose for him to continue drinking and yet I just didn’t see it as my business to decide how his life was supposed to go because I saw that my efforts were not leading to his changed action. So why torture myself over that? And that still doesn’t mean that I had to like his drinking. Of course not. And also I allowed space for him to be who he was going to be. And that’s really the secret of being a parent of adult children. And also, you know, i I coach a lot of women who are aging, who are aging, who are caring for aging parents. It’s the exact same thing. I was coaching someone not that long ago. Her mom isn’t taking her medication and she thinks that she should take her medication and she thinks that she knows that’s what’s best for her mom.

But the truth is, your mom, her mom is on her own journey and the only person who knows what’s best for them is that person. And the way that I make peace with this, because we could probably all agree that it would seem logical that taking medication you’re prescribed would be what’s best or not drinking and being an alcoholic would be what’s best. But that’s not the reality. And so if you’re thinking a thought, I know what’s best for my child and they don’t, and they’re acting out of alignment with that and you try to get them to stop and you’re trying to control them and you’re using punishment, it negatively impacts the relationship and it will drive you crazy. It doesn’t matter the age of the kid my friend, and it is not worth it. It doesn’t result in the change behavior. I think that is probably the biggest selling point for a lot of you out there. It’s not like one day it works, it doesn’t work. What does work is you decide who do I want to be? So if you’re taking care of your aging mother or you see your adult child making decisions that you don’t like, who do you want to be? You might think this is their life to navigate and I still don’t like this decision and I’m going to express my concerns from love, but it is not within my control. It’s not mine to carry. And you can feel loving and you can feel connected. You might even feel some clean sadness, but that is completely different than feeling worried and controlling and negative and judgmental.

And the way that you will act will be different. You will connect, you will listen again, you will still maintain your own boundaries, whatever those look like in your situation. But it will feel so much different than trying to control the other person. And so what I love so much about this tool is it applies at every stage of pretty much every relationship, but I like to talk about it specifically with respect to parenting. I I do think that it comes up a ton when your kids are in your home. And this isn’t a point that I had written out, but it is something that I want to mention here. If you base your success as a mom, IE if you tell yourself I’m a good mom if or I’m a good mom, when your kids perform in a certain way, you will be in get my child mode all of the time because you will be basing I’m a good mom, IE your success as a mom on their performance.

And this is why it’s tough, right? Because people in the real world will validate this. They’ll say, oh my gosh, you did such a great job. You know, with respect to a child who is doing what society wants them to do, you know, whether it’s graduating or going to X, y, z or on honor roll or whatever it is. And and that’s hard because if you get your validation from that and you are worth from that, then you are going to be and get my child mode a lot. And I just think that we are given the, the class in life that we need. And so it’s, it’s very likely that, you know, you will be in the Harvard class of get my child mode. That’s how I like to think about it. It’s like if this is a big struggle for you to work through feeling so controlling and getting out of get my child mode, it is the life lesson that you are supposed to be navigating right now.

And it might be a really hard one and keep doing it. It’s work worth doing because it will impact all of your relationships. Alright, my friend, stay out of get my child mode instead shift into what type of mom do I want to be? When, how do I want to think about it? How do I want to feel about it and what do I want to do? And then base your success on what you do, not on whether and to what extent your child does what they are going to do. Those of you with more than one child know that you can parent the exact same way and you will have one child who hits and one child who doesn’t, or one child who follows the rules. And one child who doesn’t think there are any rules. And that has to do with their agency, their god-given agency to think, feel, and act however they want. And I think we are given exactly what we need. And so keep on, keep an at it my friend. These parenting tools are truly life changing. Stay outta get my child mode and stay focused on the mom that you want to be. I will talk with you next week. Take care.

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