Marriage Tips And Tools For Moms

Welcome to Mom On Purpose, where it’s all about helping moms overcome challenges and live their best lives. My hope is by being here, you are more inspired to become the mom you are made to be. I’m Natalie, your host, a wife, boy, mom, dog, mama, Chicagoan, and former lawyer turned professionally certified coach. If you’re here to grow, I can help. Let’s go.

Hello my beautiful friends. Welcome to the podcast. How are you? I love checking in and sharing what’s going on in my life and hearing from all of you. So thank you so much. Whether you have been reaching out via dms on Instagram over @mom.onpurpose, whether you’ve been replying to emails, if you want to get on my email list, you can do so over at momonpurpose.com/subscribe. Whether you’ve been calling the podcast hotline, 8-333-Ask-Nat8 3 3 3, ask Nat, that’s 833-327-5628.

I have been hearing from so many of you and I love that I have really enjoyed just engaging with you and spending more time connecting and I think that’s really what it’s all about. I often think about Oprah and how we could all just get all of our advice mostly from her and instead we choose different people online to follow and to connect with and to get support and advice and tools from. And it is not lost on me that you have lots of different options and when I’m connecting with you and you are choosing to be here part of the Mom On Purpose community, I just sincerely appreciate it. I have so much gratitude for you and it fuels me to continue to learn and over deliver because I love all of this work and I apply it in my own life. So I’m right there with you and if I can play a small part in showing you how to utilize these tools to make any part of your life better then it is a job well done.

And with that today I want to talk with you about marriage and marriage tips and tools, particularly for moms. So this is a topic I coach on probably one of the most, at least in the top three because I think it plays such a big role in our lives. I don’t need to tell you that if you are partnered, if you’re married, you already know that that relationship is so influential and everything else, like it’s really hard to show up in your everyday life happy and positive and inspired if you are having marital problems. And how I approach marriage personally and how I like to teach it is through the mindset with the perspective that it’s something you should work on because you care about it. It’s not something that you work on when and only when it’s in trouble or you’re having big challenges. Oftentimes I think when we approach it that way, it’s so much harder. And that’s not to say it’s impossible. You absolutely can, but if you’re wondering if this applies to you and your marriage is seemingly fine, 100% it applies to you. I use these tools in my own marriage and I find them to be just so powerful. And I would never describe my marriage as having problems or challenges or anything wrong, it’s just that I care about my marriage and so I want to, you know, apply the tools, I want to care about my marriage, I want to work on my marriage and that’s what I’m doing . So, with that I have lots of tools to offer to you in this podcast and I thought it would be fun to approach it in a little bit of a different way. So I’m actually going to be answering questions that came in in a variety of different ways, some in dms, some in email, and you know, kind of lump them all together under the marriage category.

And I’m going to be reading them here and answering them and I think it’ll be a really powerful way to tailor what could be, you know, an entire course to the specific questions that you have. And again, if you have any questions that you want me to answer, you can go about it in two primary ways and that would be just sending me an email at the [email protected] and or leaving me a voice message over at the podcast hotline. Again, that’s 8 333.-Ask-Nat. So today I am just going to read through questions that came in and answer them and I think you are going to get a ton of marriage support and tools and hopefully a fresh perspective on what is such an important topic to do this work. Okay, number one, this question came in from a member of this community into my email and it reads the following.

Hi Natalie. I believe in confident parenting and the way that you teach it, allowing space for all emotions. But my husband thinks kids need to toughen up and generally that our kids are cry babies. I’ve heard him say that even in front of them. The other night, our 5-year-old had a meltdown over bedtime and my husband said, stop babying him. He needs to go to sleep. He’s being a cry baby. I felt torn. Do I intervene? Do I let it go? Do I say something to him? Do I say something to my son? I just really didn’t know what to do in this situation. I don’t want to undermine my husband, but I also don’t agree with him. How do we parent as a team without fighting all of the time? Please help. Alright my friend, I got you. This is actually one of the topics that I coach the most on with respect to marriage and that is the topic of my husband and I have different parenting styles and it’s typically someone who really cares about parenting and motherhood and you know, that’s why they’re a part of Mom On Purpose.

And with that they have taken my parenting courses and they believe in them and they’re applying these tools. And then what happens, and I can totally relate to this, is that we misuse the tools thinking that other people should be applying them. And that again is a misuse of the tools. The tools are for you. They are not for you to instruct your spouse to use, they’re not for you to feel more disconnected in your marriage because your spouse isn’t using them. And the way that I kind of think about this is like everyone is different and we are different because of our experiences, because of our upbringings, because of our world outlooks, because of just general personality differences that we’ve developed along the way. And all of that is okay, what we want to be responsible for individually is showing up as the mom who we want to be.

And that doesn’t mean that that is the way your spouse should be showing up. I like to think, and I do this in my own marriage, we’re supposed to have different parenting styles and my kids are supposed to have parents who parent differently. This will set you free when you stop thinking that your kids have to have your parenting style from both parents, all of a sudden the pressure that you feel to make sure they’re parented in a certain way by your spouse, which of course is outside of your control, is relieved. And how I make peace with this, because obviously you know me and you know that I care so deeply about these tools and and parenting and just all the things that go along with that is I remind myself that my kids are supposed to have a separate relationship with their dad.

So they’re supposed to have a relationship with me and then they’re supposed to have a relationship with their dad and that relationship is separate. What also helps me is remembering that the only way we understand a certain thing is through contrast. So the only way we understand water is hot is because we have cold water. Otherwise hot water would just be water. Okay, bear with me here, I’m going to make a point related to this example. So with contrast, we understand the good and the bad. We understand hot and warm, we have to have both perspectives. So if you parent in a way that is in alignment with who you want to be and your spouse parents in a completely different way, I actually think that’s helpful because then your kids get a front row seat to two different parenting styles and they get the contrast of those two things and that will actually help them see which they prefer and which they feel more aligned with.

And I don’t, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Now I also think it’s totally appropriate for you to have conversations out of the moment with your spouse from curiosity. This is the biggest mistake we make. I think as spouses and his wives, I definitely can relate to this where we make a comment in the moment like, stop saying that to him. You shouldn’t call him a cry baby. That’s not good parenting. What are you doing? Kind of like, , defensive in the moment. Maybe it’s yelling, it’s disconnecting, it’s unhelpful, it’s going to make the other person defensive. It’s certainly not going to make them say, oh my gosh, you’re so right. Let me change. So it’s really important that when you have conversations about the topic of parenting, you do so out of the moment. You might check in once a week and do a 10 minute debrief on what’s working with your kids and what’s not.

And this could create a space to adjust to hear each other out without kind of erupting in the moment. You might ask your spouse, what’s working well with the kids for you, what’s frustrating you? What’s one thing that you want to tweak this week? And you can share your experience too. And you can even more directly say like, Hey, this is what’s really important to me about parenting, this is the approach that I take and this is why. Like what do you think about that? And just have a conversation. When you have a conversation from respect and curiosity, it’s going to go a completely different way than if you had it in the moment when you are feeling frustrated and trying to parent and there’s meltdown happening and all of the things. And so just remember you are supposed to parent in a different way than your spouse.

It’s okay, your kids are supposed to have two parents who parent differently if that’s the family situation you’re in and you still can be on the same team. I love the mindset we’re on the same team. That doesn’t mean we parent the same way. It means that I feel connected and I’m going to give my spouse the benefit of the doubt. It has nothing to do with my spouse and what he does or doesn’t do. It’s my mindset of we’re on the same team and I really stay away from trying to get on the same page, whenever a client says I want to get on the same page as my spouse, to me that’s an indication that they’re secretly trying to control their spouse because I’ll say, okay, why don’t you just get on his page and they’ll say, no, no, no, no, no, I want them to come onto my page.

And I say Yes, exactly. And so what that really means is you’re just trying to control your spouse and I’m all for you controlling them if you can. But as you probably have already tried, it doesn’t work. And so instead of I want to get on the same page, take more ownership of how you are showing up and I’m, I promise you just thinking we’re supposed to be different, we’re on the same team, will be a complete game changer. And you can also talk with strategies out of the moment. So for example, if you notice that your spouse gets more easily frustrated during nighttime meltdowns, you might ask your spouse, Hey, would it be more helpful if I did nighttime or would it be more helpful if I.stepped in when a 5-year-old has a meltdown? Or you know, just come up with strategies. But again, I think those are best done and communicated out of the moment so that it doesn’t seem like you’re undermining or trying to control or thinking that your way is better than his way.

And again, it doesn’t mean that you start parenting his way, it just means that there is space for both. Because as long as you want to be married to this man who parents differently, there is space for both and that can be a beautiful thing. Instead of seeing that as so problematic, just see it as part of the process, part of your family and that is okay. It doesn’t mean you have to parent differently and it doesn’t mean your spouse does either. You can still view it as being on the same team and just having a different approach.

Alright, now let’s move on to the next question. Hey Natalie, lately my marriage just feels like a business arrangement. Who’s picking up the kids? What’s for dinner? Who’s paying what bill? I can’t remember the last time we had a deep conversation or really laughed together. And intimacy, it’s on the back burner because by the time we get into bed we’re both exhausted. I miss feeling close to my husband, but I don’t know how to bring that connection back when life is so busy. I’m hoping you might have some suggestions or marriage tips that could help. Thank you so much.

Yes my friend. I definitely have some marriage tips and tools that will absolutely help you. And for everyone listening, if you have ever thought we love each other but we’ve lost the spark, I want you to know that you are not alone. And this is one of the most common struggles for long-term couples, especially those raising kids. And here’s why. And this is really important for you to understand. The very things that make a marriage feel safe and stable are the same things that can make it feel unromantic. I first learned this through Esther Perez’s work, I just love her. And she talks about two essential forces in a relationship.

One is security, it’s feeling stable, predictable, and kind of like home. The second is desire. It’s the mystery, the novelty, the excitement. So when you think about your marriage, the security is what makes a marriage feel safe. It’s built through trust, dependability, and a daily life together. It’s why you can rely on your partner, feel really comfortable with them and know they’ve got your back. It’s how you run the household together, all of the logistics. It’s kind of the building a family and running a household part of it. Now the second part, the desire is what keeps a marriage romantic and passionate. And it’s built through curiosity and playfulness and flirtation and seeing each other as individuals, not just as parents or partners. It’s why you maybe felt butterflies when you were dating. It’s also why before you were married and you didn’t consider them 100% yours, yet they were still a mystery.

And I think most couples just generally speaking, definitely most healthy couples get stronger insecurity over time, but lose touch with desire because desire thrives on space, individuality and excitement. So just think about it, think about the beginning of your relationship. You had to win each other over. You didn’t know everything there was to know about your soon to be spouse, the person you were dating at the time, you thought about what you’d wear, how you’d flirt, what you’d talk about, how you’d make them feel special, what you wanted to do to show that you care about them. And because of that it was fueled by mystery, excitement and a sense of like anticipation. Now what is it like you see each other at your worst. You are in sweats, you’re managing the day to day kind of logistics of the household and everything that comes with it.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with this, it’s just that you are probably overweighted in the security half of the equation and you’ve lost most of the desire. What I love about this framework is it puts it completely back within your control to change. It’s not that your partner changed, I mean maybe they did, but that is not why you lost the desire. You now just aren’t thinking about it. You weren’t thinking about what you want to wear, how you want to show up for them, how you want to get to know them more. You’re thinking thoughts like I already know them, we gotta get through the day. Thoughts like that that are not fun not flirty and definitely not creating more desire in the relationship. So what I first and foremost want you to know is that your marriage isn’t broken. This doesn’t happen because your marriage is broken and it’s not because you have fallen out of love.

I don’t even know what that means to fall out of love. If you really break it down, no one’s falling, okay? And love is so broad in general, like I love, love, but also I think there are, you know, so many myths about love and I think we use that word without having a lot of intention behind it. So just stop saying that, I think put a constraint in your life that you’re not going to say we’re falling out of love. You are going to think of your marriage more like something that you can take a look at and change and continue to test and find out what works and what’s not working and what you want to try next. So use this framework of one half being the security, which is the home, the stability, the predictability, and then the other half being the desire, the mystery, the novelty and the excitement.

And if both halfs make 100, let’s say if we’re talking about a percentage, is it 90, 95, 98% home right now and 2% desire, mystery and novelty, maybe it’s 100% security, home stability, predictability, and you have no desire, mystery and novelty. Well now we have something to work with because we have much more specificity than just, you know, we’re roommates, we’ve fallen out of love or it feels unromantic. Instead it’s, oh, I actually just need to create some space in my life for cultivating more excitement, more passion and more playfulness and flirtation. And the way that I do that is by managing my brain is by choosing thoughts. So what I suggest is to come up with thoughts that you want to think every morning about your marriage. I know I’m a flirty wife because I focus on what I want to wear every day. I show up using flirtatious language.

When I’m with my spouse, I give him a little wink, I fill in the blank. You basically write for five minutes using the prompt. I know I’m a blank wife, I know I’m a connected wife because I know I’m a flirty wife because I know I’m a wife who creates mystery, excitement, desire, and connection because, and then you write down how you’re going to think, feel, and act as this version of yourself because you probably already have the home stability, predictability, half taken care of, right? At least based on the way that this question was worded, right? It’s like the love the romance is on the back burner. And so what we’re going to do is we’re going to put it on the front burner. And the way that you do that, I think one of the best tools you can utilize is to manage your mind by thinking more deliberately in the morning about the wife that you want to be.

A lot of times my clients think that in order to create more desire and romance, they need a weekly date night or they need to create a lot more space with their time and their calendars. And I’m not going to say that that wouldn’t be helpful. You absolutely can. But the objection often comes up. Like right now, given our demands of life and all of the commitments that we want to have, like we don’t have time for that. And again, I don’t think that’s the most helpful mindset. But I also want to offer to you that this doesn’t require a weekly date night. It doesn’t require you to change your calendar. Can you? Yes, might you? Yes, but I’ll tell you what, if you don’t do the thought work and you don’t manage your mind about showing up with more desire, excitement, flirtation, then you can do a weekly date night and it can feel just as much like stability, predictability, and not at all like desire because you’re showing up with that mom hat on with that house manager hat on instead of your head on as an individual, as a wife, as someone who is courting and being courted by their spouse.

And so it’s really important to know that it’s not the action, it’s how you’re thinking and feeling. It’s who you are being. So in your actions, you might end up creating more space for a date night or something like that, but it’s really not the most important part. The most important part is that you change the way that you are thinking and feeling. And so if deep conversations are important to you or laughing is important to you, then you know, gamify it. See how you can create a deep conversation or see how you can create moments of laughter throughout the day. And the way that you do that is you really get into feeling desirable. You start desiring your spouse, you write down, I want to be married to him because, or these are all the reasons why I love him, or these are all the reasons why I’m attracted to him.

A lot of people think that attraction just happens to you. And for many of us, especially in the beginning when we start dating someone, we focus a lot on that. And it does happen automatically, but it’s still always your thoughts. So we can take one person and ask 10 different women if they are attracted to that one person and they will have maybe at least a handful, if not 10 different responses based on their brain and what they are attracted to. Now you can work on attraction. Most people don’t know this. You can manage your mind around your thoughts. Again, the brain is wired for negativity and for survival. So if you are constantly looking for the negative about your spouse, you’re probably not going to feel that attracted to him. But when you manage your mind towards the positive 100%, you can start to feel more attracted to him.

Just write down very simply why I’m so attracted to my spouse and focus on that. It will completely change the way that you see your spouse. I want you to think about the different modes that you are in. If you are in parenting mode or career mode that is not very romantic. So I want you to add to your little, tool belt here. Romantic mode. So there’s the career mode, there’s the parenting mode, maybe there’s the like running the household mode and I want you to add in romantic mode or you know, romantic wife mode. So when you are deep in the grind of parenting and life and work, it’s easy to start relating to your spouse like he’s a coworker instead of really a romantic partner. And I don’t think you have to stop relating to your spouse as a partner in your partnership of running a home and and managing a home and parenting.

It’s more like an expansion. So you want to add in the romantic part of it instead of you know who’s doing what. It’s who are you to each other and create some space in your mind for that. So bring back some playfulness. Intimacy isn’t just about physical intimacy, that’s one part of it. But there’s emotional intimacy, there is mental intimacy, there are many different types of intimacy. And I think when you just expand your capacity to even see the different types of intimacy, again, we have a marriage class on this inside the Mom On Purpose Membership, it completely explains all the different types of intimacies and will be really, really helpful for you. And that’ll relieve some of the pressure for just the physical intimacy. And then I think through the other practices, your desire for more physical intimacy will increase if you’re thinking about how attracted you are to your husband.

If you are focusing on creating more desire, absolutely you’re going to want to be more physically intimate with your spouse. And this really comes back to having some dating energy. You know, the energy that you had when you were dating, you know the things that you did. You know the, the things that you overlooked, you know what you wore, you know the language that you used, you know how you showed up and flirted and you just know, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You know the dating energy, you know that version of you do that in your marriage. Do that right now. It doesn’t have to be forced or over the top or fake. It just has to be intentional. And if it feels a little awkward at first, that’s okay. Remember first dates, remember dating in the beginning it felt a little awkward.

So it’s like you’re cultivating this desire again, deliberately do that. It will be a complete game changer in your marriage. Alright, now let’s dive into the last question. Hi Natalie. I’m hoping you can help. I feel a lot of resentment in my marriage. I feel like I do everything. Managing the kids, the house, the appointments, the meals on top of that, I work part-time. My husband helps but never really takes full ownership of anything. It’s like it’s all my responsibility. The other day he mentioned he was exhausted and I wanted to scream, you are exhausted. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I know resentment isn’t helping, but I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. How do I shift my mindset and get him to step up more? Thank you so much. Alright my friend. Yes, let’s talk about it. Resentment. This is again one of the most highly requested topics that I coach on with respect to marriage.

Let’s first start off with what is resentment? Resentment is one of those emotions that I think kind of creeps in slowly. At first, it’s like this little mild frustration, like a sigh when your spouse forgets to put the dishes away or something like that, or a slight eye roll when he asks what’s for dinner. But then the more things that happen, the more you don’t say anything about the things that are happening, it kind of builds up. Meaning you continue to have the same thoughts and feelings and before you know it, everything that he does or doesn’t do starts to feel unfair. And I think there are so many ways to solve this, but I really just want to take a step back first and focus on what resentment is because I think that we think the other person has to change in order for us to feel better.

And that’s just not true. So at its core, resentment is I think a mix of unmet expectations, unspoken needs that you have and want, and a belief that it’s unfair. And here’s the key, it’s often tied to what we think we shouldn’t have to ask for. So I will hear from my clients, I shouldn’t have to remind him to help with the laundry. I shouldn’t have to ask him to help at bedtime. I shouldn’t have to tell him that I need a break. And it’s not that these thoughts aren’t true, okay? We could argue for sure that they are true thoughts, they’re just not helpful anytime that we should on someone else, we create frustration for ourselves and we’re the ones who feel frustrated. And then in this case, it’s like frustration that we feel that turns into resentment, that creates more disconnection in our marriage.

And I just want to be clear, the frustration does not come from what’s happening. It’s coming from the belief that you have specifically in this case that your spouse should already know. So you believe that your spouse should already know and do these things and act a certain way. You basically have a manual for how your spouse should behave. And because he’s not following that you have thoughts that something has gone wrong. I am all for you asking for what you want, ask away, but do it out of the moment from connection, from the mindset that we’re on the same team. When you keep score in your marriage, it’s a sign that you don’t feel seen or supported. And it’s less about the dishes , it’s more about feeling valued for what you do. So I recommend first and foremost you start validating yourself. At the end of the day, write yourself a letter or if that’s too much, just look at yourself in the mirror right after you brush your teeth and tell yourself five things that you appreciate about yourself for that day.

I appreciate that I remembered to switch over the laundry. I appreciate that I took care of the kids. I appreciate that I got dressed and had a good attitude today. I appreciate that I gave myself a two minute break in the bathroom uninterrupted. I appreciate that I stayed calm and didn’t yell. Tell yourself what you want to hear so that you feel valued and you feel validated. And I know that this doesn’t change anything about your spouse, but I promise you when you feel fueled by connection with yourself, you will need less validation from others. And I am not suggesting that is your job to do everything for everyone always. In fact, that is my next tip and tool for you. It is not your job to do everything for everyone. Always. Do you have that mindset. Do you believe that it is your job to do everything for everyone? Always. This is the perfectionism problem in action. You’ve got to take care of that mindset. It is not your job to do everything for everyone always.

And when you think this way, it’s going to have you people pleasing and doing so much that you attach to your worth. It’s not worth it my friend. You’ve gotta let go of that belief. You’ve also got to stop keeping score. Or alternatively, I got this from another coach that I just absolutely love. She’s like, if I’m going to keep score, I’m going to win. I want to be the one who does the most because you know what I’m freaking. And then she says her name. It’s like I’m freaking Natalie, I can handle the most I can do the most I’m going to win. Okay, do you see how different that is? Now again, if you need a break, you take a break, your spouse isn’t your dad, you don’t need to ask permission. You can have conversations where it’s like, hey, let me, you know, talk with you about what’s going on here.

I notice that I am watching the kids so much and I need a break. Let’s see how we can make that happen together. Do you want to step in? Do you want me to get some more childcare? Like how do you want to do this together? And you brainstorm together. But it’s collaborative. It’s kind of like you and your spouse are running a company together and you’re having conversations about how you want to, you know, manage employees versus you know, going to your spouse like he’s, you know, help or he’s, a parent and you’re asking permission. You want to make sure that you’re seeing each other as equal partners. Now, with respect to your spouse feeling exhausted, you also want to make sure that you’re not invalidating his experience. If he feels exhausted, that’s okay. The only reason that you are having a problem with that is because you feel exhausted and you haven’t told him and you haven’t taken care of your needs.

I like to think that my kids need me to take care of their needs or they need some attachment figures. Some adult who take care of their needs, right? Especially infants. And they need all of their needs met by by a caregiver, by me, by their mom. And yet as they get older, they need me less and less. That’s, you know, by design we grow up. As adults, I take it on as my responsibility to meet my own needs. And when my needs aren’t met, it’s my job to vocalize that. Not from blame though, that’s where we get this wrong. I think most people think, okay, well I gotta tell my spouse that my needs aren’t being met as if it’s their fault. It’s not your spouse’s fault that your needs aren’t being met. It’s also not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. So I just remind myself, okay, he’s not to blame and I’m not to blame, I’m just a human being.

I have some needs and I want to come up with solutions for how they can be met. One of my solutions is I’m going to take a break and my spouse is going to be with the kids. Another idea might be some childcare, another idea might be something else or something else. There are endless ways for you to get your needs met. The key here that I want to emphasize is that your spouse has needs too. And it’s not a competition. And it’s okay if he feels exhausted. If you feel exhausted and you are not taking time for rest, that’s on you. So I am teaching an entire course on overwhelm and I was thinking about how I don’t get overwhelmed and why is that? And it’s because I really take it upon myself never to get into self pity and never to get into overwhelm. And if I do or when I do, I immediately go into taking responsibility for it.

And I ask myself, okay, why did I choose this? And it shifts everything. I chose this because I want to get up with my kids. I chose this because I want them to be in activities. I chose this because X, Y, and Z. And why am I choosing to not prioritize my own self-care? Like when I ask myself that, it is like, whoa, it’s a moment of reflection that shows me I’m responsible for all of my decisions and how I spend my time. And if I want more time alone, if I want more self care, if I need, time away from the kids, it’s my job to get it. It’s not my husband’s job to read my mind , it’s also not his job to make sure my needs are met. Now might he be a part of meeting my needs? He could be, but I’m not going to put that pressure on him to be the one.

I think we put way too much pressure on our spouses to meet our needs to our own detriment because it’s like, hey, I feel depleted and this is your fault because you’re not meeting my needs. That’s a very different conversation than, hey, I feel exhausted, I’m not getting my needs met. I need to make sure I meet my own needs. Can we work together to figure out how I can get more space in the day, to myself or to go to the yoga class or to meet up with some friends, like let’s work together to see how I can get my needs met. He might be a part of it, he might not, but either way, 100% you can get your needs met. So I want you to think about how you can communicate in a respectful way out of the moment, really sharing your experience and owning it.

Your spouse isn’t to blame, you are also not to blame. You have needs that you can meet and your spouse has needs that he can meet and you can collaborate to come up with solutions. The last tool and mindset shift that I want to offer to you here is that everyone has a different capacity. So my husband, for example, has a much smaller capacity when it comes to the kids and when it comes to being tired, I have a much higher capacity when it comes to the kids. And when it comes to being tired, you can work on your capacity, but you don’t have to. I like to think about it like a gas tank. So like my husband has a 10 gallon gas tank and I have like a 30 gallon gas tank. And so when he says he’s exhausted, for example, I’m not comparing it to my 30 gallon tank.

I’m saying, oh yeah, that makes sense because he has a 10 gallon tank. Now this isn’t to suggest he’s not doing enough. He has a 30 gallon tank in another capacity, maybe like play, like he’s really good at play and being present with the kids. And I have to work on that and I, I do work on it because I want to. So maybe my tank started at 10 and maybe now it’s like at a 20 gallon tank and I’m working on it constantly to get more presence and playfulness with my kids. I think I do a much better job than I would’ve ordinarily, but capacity is really based on the individual. And so stay out of the comparison trap. Yes, your husband’s exhausted and it might just be that he has a smaller gas tank with this capacity and that’s okay if you are exhausted and your 30 gallon tank is you know, empty, that’s your job to refill it and he might be exhausted and his 10 gallon tank is empty.

That’s okay. You’re just different. It’s not a competition, especially with your spouse. I think about my capacity with respect to working and how when I was an attorney, my capacity to work just like 12 to 15 hours straight was like a 50 gallon tank. And now if I work after like five hours straight, I’m like, oh my gosh, how did I ever do that? It’s, because I haven’t been doing it regularly. So my capacity is much lower now. And that’s okay. There’s no right or wrong here. And so make sure you stay out of the comparison trap. You vocalize what your needs are, but you own that. It’s your job to meet those needs. And again, you have that mindset, you are on the same team and that we have different capacities and you watch your mindset around shoulding on your spouse. Alright, my friends, so many tools and tips inside this marriage episode and I want to remind you that we have the marriage and relationship toolkit inside the Mom On Purpose Membership.

I have a course on intimacy in marriage inside the membership. I have a course on connection and marriage inside the membership. And I’m constantly and consistently coaching on this topic. I think it’s so important for our lives, for our happiness, for our kids, for our families. So don’t wait until you need to work on your marriage. Work on your marriage because you care about it. Alright my friends, thanks for being here. I love you so much and I’ll talk with you next week. Take care.

Thank you for being here and listening. Now head on over to momonpurpose.com/coaching to learn more about the Mom On Purpose Membership, where we take all of this work to the next level.