How To Get Out The Door In The Morning Without Losing Your Sh*t

Welcome to Mom On Purpose, where it’s all about helping moms overcome challenges and live their best lives. My hope is by being here, you are more inspired to become the mom you are made to be. I’m Natalie, your host, a wife, boy, mom, dog mama, Chicagoan, and former lawyer turned professionally certified coach. If you’re here to grow, I can help. Let’s go.

Hello, my beautiful friends. Welcome back to the podcast. So happy to be here with you today. Today I want to read you a question that one of our community members wrote in and asked me to answer about mornings getting out the door, morning routines, struggling to be on time, and all the things that I think are top of mind this time of year, especially with back to school. But it can apply all year round. Even with my kids being younger, when they weren’t in school at all, we still had a morning routine and got out the door in the morning.

And so I’ve had a very structured morning routine for a while and I think that like the time management skills and the structure combined with the very empowering mindset work that I do in motherhood, combined with the parenting tools is like Chef’s Kiss best combination to really overhaul your morning routines in a way where you feel in control on time and you know, happy or inspired or feeling how you want to feel. It’s not like I can change your kids or your spouse, but I can help you change the way that you show up. It’s not so reactive, it’s much more proactive, and that is such a game changer. Okay, here is what one member wrote in and said, “Hi Natalie. I’m really struggling with getting my three school aged kids out the door in the mornings. They’re often slow to get dressed, not listening to my instructions, and constantly forget things. I find myself raising my voice to get them moving, but then I feel guilty afterward. I want to be more patient, calm, and present during these hectic mornings. How can I handle these moments better without resorting to yelling, while still teaching my kids to be more independent and responsible? Thanks for all you do.”

I can totally relate to this. When I don’t plan ahead, when I am not managing my mind, when I get into a little bit of self-pity or low grade negativity, or I have thoughts where I’m trying to control my kids and get them to listen, it feels a little bit more chaotic, it feels frustrating and I don’t feel calm. And if we’re late on top of that, it just, you know, adds insult to injury. It makes it so much harder. And so I want you to know you’re in good company.

I’ve coached on this a ton. I think that when you can nail this, what I’m going to share with you in this, in this podcast, it really changes everything because how you start your day is the momentum that you carry with you for the rest of the day. And not just that, even if you kind of, you know, do your best and you part ways at school drop off and maybe you go to work or home and your kids go to school and it can still be a great day, it’s still something that repeats every single day. So if you have crazy, hectic, negative mornings that are often fueled with yelling and frustration and just, you know, tension, it’s something that compounds over time. Like once, you know, not a big deal. Even once every 90 days, maybe not a big deal, but every single day, 365, that does make, you know, a negative imprint on your relationship with your kids and with yourself and with your home and with your days, right?

Your relationship with your life. So I want to help you clean all of that up so that the compound effect of those mornings is positive. Instead of it feeling negative over time, it feels positive over time. It feels like you have these moments of connection and it is 100% possible. I cannot change your kids, but I can empower you to make these small shifts into both time management and routines as well as internally in your mindset and energy. And then also with respect to your parenting. So there’s kind of three core areas that I want to focus on here specifically, in this episode. And of course, you know, you’re not going to all of a sudden stop yelling just from listening to this, but you will understand what you need to do to stop yelling and feel calm and connected and have a much more impactful morning and calm morning and be present all the things that you want so that you can practice it.

And that’s really the work that we do in the Mom On Purpose Membership. So make sure you’re in there getting coached, and if not, you can always, join me in a private coaching session as well. You can apply over at momonpurpose.com/support. There’s really no point in time where you don’t need a coach. I might not be the right coach for you. I’m definitely not the right coach for everyone, but I am an exceptional coach, I was just, laughing with one of my private clients. She was like, you’re just so good at this. And I said, you know what? I really am, I’m an exceptional coach, but I’m terrible at trivia. You do not want me on your trivia team. And so I say that, a little bit with a smile and a laugh because it’s not that I’m great at everything, it’s just that I take coaching really seriously.

I have had extensive advanced trainings and it’s not my job to tell you what to do. It’s always my job to kind of show you your brain and what it’s doing so that I can help you create the best systems and processes and experience of your life, including externally and internally and all of that internal work is the, the mindset and the feelings so that you can feel better in your days and parent from that place. It’s a totally different experience. Okay? So kind of a long intro, but I want to talk with you specifically kind of about some points that I think will answer this member’s question. But I broke it up into kind of how I think about my morning routine and getting out the door, but not just mine. It’s definitely the way that I help my clients, just considering all of the different, you know, things going on, right?

So I have three little ones. I only have one that is in school so far, and we have two dogs. And so you might have something very different. Like this person has three kids in school and she didn’t mention anything about dogs. You may have a spouse who helps during the morning routine or your spouse may leave very early. So we’ve had both where my husband’s been part of the morning routine until he went upstairs to work when he was working from home pretty much full-time and now pretty much full-time. He’s back in the office. And so he’s only there for a very small part of our morning routine now, which is basically just the part where I shower and get ready, which is like my favorite part, right? Because that’s like my self-care time and I love it and I really reset and get centered and I’m listening to good input and I’m setting intentions for the day and all of that.

So anyways, this is not a morning routine episode in the sense of I’m not telling you what to do in your morning routine, but I do think just paying attention to the different factors that make up your mornings and then using the tools that I’m going to share with you here will make a really big difference. So the first point that I want to make with making a more successful morning routine happen to minimize like yelling and the chaos, is to plan ahead pretty much everything that you can. Check the weather, get out outfits, make sure you have breakfast, either prepared or planned. Like you know what you’re going to pull out. Like anything that you can do the night before if you need to get kids book bags ready and get their clothes ready, like anything that can be done the night before, do it the night before.

To this day, I pick out my clothes for myself the night before. It’s awesome. I’ve just been in the habit since I was a kid. I love it. So do this for your kids, like I do it for my kids as well. I don’t do it for my husband. I’m sure he would not appreciate that, but I do it for my kids, I do it for myself, and I do the breakfast, same thing, schoolwork, get, you know, getting the book bag like anything ahead of time pack. If you’re packing your kids’ lunches, same thing. Do that, the night before ahead of time. This is like just setting your circumstances up for success. This is making it easy on yourself because if you’re trying to figure out what the weather’s going to be, what your kids need to wear, like what you need to wear, where things are just, you’re just adding more things that you have to do.

And so step number one, kind of planning ahead the night before is really just going to take away the low hanging fruit. It’s really going to just set your circumstances up for success. Number two is to raise your expectations of yourself and lower them for your kids. This will change your life. Okay? I know it sounds counterintuitive because we think, no, I want to have high expectations of my kids, like they know better. How often do we say that, you know, this person who wrote in didn’t necessarily say, you know, they know better with respect to everything, but I bet you if I was coaching her, and you probably can relate, I find myself having to redirect my brain whenever my brain goes to that thought, they know better. It’s such a terrible thought. When you have that thought, you feel what? Judgmental, disconnected, controlling. It doesn’t matter if they know better.

I always say like, I know better than to scroll on my phone and I still do it. We all know better. Okay? And so you just want to be careful like your kids are, you know, making decisions and, and growing up. And a lot of times, you know, they’re doing the best they can. And I think that when we hold them to a higher standard than we hold ourselves IE when we are yelling, which is not holding ourselves to a higher standard and expecting them to do whatever it is we’re asking, maybe it’s get dressed or get your things or come on down or whatever, and holding them to a higher standard. You know, first of all, the, the reason that this is a point at all is just because it’s ineffective when you do it the opposite way. So when you hold higher expectations of your kids, when you try to control them and it doesn’t work, and then you get frustrated and then you yell and have lower expectations of yourself again, the reason it’s on this list is it just doesn’t work.

You will drive yourself a little bit crazy trying to control your kids. It creates such a better experience. And what I mean by that is you can take on so much more responsibility because it’s the mom who you want to be. Not because you’re enabling, not because you don’t believe in your kids, not because you’re not going to, you know, show them how to do things, but because you want to be a mom who moves things along and has a certain type of morning. Game changer. Raise your expectations of yourself and lower them for your kids. And this might mean that your son who always gets himself dressed all of a sudden a couple times a week, he doesn’t want to get himself dressed and he wants you to help him. And, and that’s okay. A lot of times we forget that kids want things from us for lots of different reasons, well beyond their capabilities.

Oftentimes it’s, it’s deeper, right? You know, in all the parenting information out there, it’s, it all pretty much says like, look beneath the ask, like, what’s underneath that want? What’s underneath that desire? And most of the time it’s connection a lot of the time. And even if it’s, you know, quick in the, in the moment and you gotta move quickly, even if you are just calmly able to help your son get dressed versus being mad or thinking thoughts like, you know better. You always do this, you should be getting dressed very disconnecting and doesn’t help the situation, right? It just leads to you yelling. And so that’s just a small micro example where you can just have higher expectations of yourself, meaning to stay regulated and calm and show up as the mom you want to be and where them for your kids in terms of what they’ll actually do.

You can still teach them, teach them all day, but teach them out of the moment. If you want to review how to get dressed with your son, do that out of the moment. Unless of course you’re not in a rush and you have lots of time, which might be the case, but pro probably not based on, uh, what’s what I typically coach on and the person who, who wrote it. Number three is to view yourself as a leader. And this is one that I think you can carry with you throughout the day, and it really is a completely different perspective. A lot of times we feel like we are in reactive mode and at the effect of our circumstances and feeling like we’re in chaos and frustrated. And if you just take the perspective that you are actually a leader, maybe the leader or at least co-leader with your spouse of your family, and you can be a calm firm, warmhearted, steady guide in the morning, that presence is going to make a difference in how you show up.

You can be completely calm and strong and hold boundaries and be loving and warmhearted. I promise you that’s the case because there’s such a difference when you wake up ready to go and you embrace being the leader that you are versus, oh my gosh, morning routine. We gotta get out the door. Who’s not going to be listening to me today? What do I need to do? A million things going racing through your mind and you’re sort of just letting your default brain win. You’ve gotta take control of your thoughts so that you get the experience of the morning that you want to have. I promise you, you can have a calm, grounded, enjoyable morning regardless of how the rest of your family is feeling. It doesn’t mean you ignore them, it doesn’t mean they’re happy all of the time. It just means that you are staying in your power and setting the tone for the day that you want to have.

You are always in control of your attitude. And just think about as a leader, what kind of attitude do you want to have? It’s so important. This dovetails so nicely with the September Mom On Purpose masterclass that I am obsessed with. It’s the monthly class. I’ve been calling it a master class lately. ’cause that’s really what it is of Mom Like It’s Your Job and really embodying being a leader of your life, but specifically in your role as mom. And that’s what this is about. And it starts from the moment you wake up and, that’s a beautiful opportunity to grow as a mom in a way that you otherwise wouldn’t. Again, a lot of the narrative out there and, and it’s well intended, right? It’s, it’s validating, but it’s, it’s unhelpful. So some things that are validating are not always helpful. And sometimes the relatable mom content is that way.

It’s validating in so far as it makes you feel seen If you feel like you’re having chaotic mornings where you’re losing your cool, right? That’s validating. But you don’t want to continue to have chaotic mornings while you’re losing your cool. And so what’s more helpful is this approach, and this is all of the work that we do inside the Mom On Purpose Membership, and that I do with my clients. So view yourself as a leader. Number four is to have the mindset that we are on the same team. Oh my gosh, my heart just expands so much when I think this, this is one that since I’ve been coaching on it for a very long time, I want to elaborate on just a bit, because sometimes people think this means that viewing your family and your kids as being on the same team as you, means that they behave in a certain way.

And that is misusing the tool. It’s like taking a hammer that I’m giving you to hammer and a nail, and instead you’re like hitting yourself on the head with it. Do not misuse the tool. Having the mindset we’re on the same team just means that you shift from this conflict perspective to a more collaborative perspective. It’s seeing your kids as partners in the process. So if your son I’m just making this up, right? If your son continues to have a problem with getting dressed, a conflict approach, a push pull, tug of war approach would be the mindset of, and, and you might not even be saying this, but this would be in your head, “ugh, why can’t he just get dressed? He knows how to get dressed, he’s making a slate again, he always does this. He needs to get it together. I can’t be the one to get him dressed every day like he’s three years old.”

Whatever, right? You have this running in your mind as you’re trying to do a million other things, and it’s subtle and you may not even say it to him, but you come off short and snappy. Maybe you yell and it’s, it’s from this perspective of you are against him and it creates a tug of war or a conflict versus we’re on the same team. Just the mindset it’s going to approach your son with curiosity and love and connection and collaboration. So your thoughts will sound something like this, huh? That’s interesting. I know he knows how to get dressed and yet several times in the last month and now, you know, twice this week he’s not getting dressed. That’s really interesting. I wonder what’s going on for him. I can see that he needs some extra help here. I’m going to hurry up with my stuff so that I can go help him and we might need to talk about this later.

That’s the type of narrative that you would have in your mind. That’s the type of mindset when you have the overarching belief that we’re on the same team. Now listen, I get it. I get that real life is happening, but you have to get out ahead of it. This is why if you wake up and you do not manage your mind and you do not have a coach, or you’re not in the membership or anything like that, it’s really hard to do this on your own because you haven’t gotten in the routine, you haven’t gotten your reps in for how you want to show up and lead and have a good attitude and think about your day, which is so imperative to being able to, you know, just view yourself as on the same team with your kids. And so it, it starts out of the moment.

It’s something that you want to practice by taking a look at your thoughts and really start practicing believing, oh yeah, we are on the same team. And, that really is, is a way for you to show up differently. Like, if I believed and gave my kids the benefit of the doubt, not that they’re going to listen to me, not that they’re going to do more, but that I just for whatever reason believe in them and believe in us as a family, and I want to help them and support them, you will approach it so differently, I promise. Okay, number five, in your mind, ask yourself, how can I set my kids up for success?

Love this one. Sometimes unintentionally we sort of test our kids and I think it’s not helpful, definitely not helpful in a morning situation, but also I think it can be coming from this idea like, oh, I need to prepare my kids, or something like that. But it really what’s happening is it’s just you’re trying to control your kids. It’s not working. There’s more frustration, there’s more yelling, and then you’re like, what in the world? Now, you know, I’m failing as a mom, clearly I need to, you know, hit this on the head harder. And so you’re trying to “teach” and again, not working. And so just asking yourself, how can I set my kids up for success shifts your approach to proactively helping them. Again, from that mindset of we’re on the same team. I love this. I love thinking about like, how can I help my kids win?

How can I set my kids up for success? Such an abundant way to think about your kids and your family and your morning routine. Number six kind of goes without saying, but, it has been very helpful in coaching. You know, the coaching that I do, which is to give yourself and your kids more time than is needed. The power of giving extra time reduces pressure and it really does change things. And now you might be saying, okay, I did that. I gave them 10 extra minutes or something, and no matter how much extra time I give them or myself, we’re, we’re still late. And that may be true, okay? And so it might not just be extra time, it might be reminders and not like yelling reminders, not the ones that you’re just like repeating yourself over and over, but you may need to help them understand time and you may need to, you know, go around each of their rooms or something like that and, and let them know, you might use different colored cards, red, yellow, and green or something like that.

I don’t know, I’m just making things up on the spot. But the idea is that if you’re approaching your mornings from this collaborative space, you’re viewing them as being on the same team as you, and you want to set them up for success. I really think that giving them more time and opportunities to win is a really, helpful way to do this. Number seven, this might be one of my favorites. It’s to normalize what they do and what they don’t do. So if you know, like the person who wrote in three kids, if your three kids fight about who brushes their teeth first, or let’s be more realistic, they’re not going to be fighting to do that. First. They’re going to be saying, I’m not going to brush my teeth. And let’s say they’re refusing to brush their teeth, or let’s say that they’re, taking their time.

Two of them love to take their time. One of them is always rushing, one of them is always taking things from the other person. Whatever is the norm. And this is why I love doing this work, because kids and spouses and homes, like it’s all predictable. It’s not like, oh my gosh, out of nowhere, my one son stopped being nice to his sister. It’s like, oh no, he’s been fighting with his sister for a while. It’s very predictable, which means it’s perfect for doing thought work because you can normalize the circumstance. Now, when I say this, please don’t take this to mean that you can’t work on it and you can’t work on it out of the moment. I mean, normalize it so that you don’t create frustration for yourself. So what I don’t mean is that you’re just apathetic and your kids are fighting and you don’t hold boundaries.

That is definitely not what I mean. I mean, when they’re fighting, you are not thinking to yourself, I can’t believe they’re fighting during our morning routine. And then you get frustrated and then you yell. That’s the part I want to clean up. So if they normally fight in your mind, I want you to expect them to fight tomorrow, I want you to expect them to do whatever they normally do. And I want you to have higher expectations for yourself. You’re going to stay calm, you’re going to hold boundaries. You’re going to get in there and you know, help them win. Set them up for success. Whatever you need to do, it works beautifully. When you just expect them to do what they normally do, it takes the pressure off. This works extraordinarily well for any time of day, including nighttime routines. It’s something I do a lot with my clients, right?

Because what we do is the opposite. We say, oh, I just hope they don’t fight today. I just want one morning where they’re not fighting. And then we’re sort of like waiting and hoping and crossing our fingers to see if they do or not. And instead it actually is so much easier if you just expect them to do the thing that they normally do. So if they normally take their time, if they, you know, normally ask you where something is a million times, if they can never find their homework, even though you ask them to get it out the night before, if they’re always fighting, whatever their typical tendencies are, again, it’s not that you can’t work on them. What I want you to do is normalize it in your mind so that you don’t get frustrated by it. The frustration and the yelling comes up because you’re thinking something like this shouldn’t be happening.

They should know better. They shouldn’t be doing this. And all of this comes back to your mindset around your kids and how the morning should be and what they should be like. And when you change your thoughts, you will change your life. You’ll have a completely different experience of motherhood. It is the only reason you yell. Did you know that you’re not yelling because of what they’re doing? You’re not yelling because you’re going to be late. You’re not yelling because they’re fighting. You’re not yelling because of the chaos. You are yelling because of a sentence in your head. Thoughts create feelings and feelings, drive actions. So your action is yelling, you. Yelling is an action. Behind that, yelling is a feeling. Frustration, overwhelm, anger, any of those feelings. And then what creates those feelings are the sentences in your head. So you can have a very calm, lovely morning.

And I genuinely mean that. I know that if it feels like chaos right now, you’re like, you don’t know my kids, you don’t know my life. This is not possible. I promise you it’s possible, but you have to do the work out of the moment. And that’s the last point that I want to leave you with is to journal specifically, and you can do this with my Becoming Her journaling process inside the membership, you journal about the exact circumstance that you experience regularly in this morning routine. So for the person who wrote in, she would write down exactly what her kids do. So they’re slow getting dressed, they’re not listening, they are forgetting things. Okay? Journal exactly about some circumstances that would happen, and then decide how you want to feel and what do you need to think to feel that way, and then journal about that and embody it.

You have to get into that feeling state because listen, your brain wants to repeat all of the thoughts and feelings that it did yesterday morning. So if you have felt frustrated and in the chaos of the morning routine and yelled for the last, however you know, many months of your morning routine, that’s what your brain is going to do tomorrow and the next day and the next day. You have to interrupt that pattern. You’re learning a new language, the language of the mind and body, calm, lightness, connection, presence, while still holding boundaries. Like what does that look like for you? How can you embody this leadership as a mom with kids who are just being kids? And take a completely different perspective. You can write about this and showing up as the mom you want to be and it will change your life, my friends, you deserve to have mornings where you get out the door without losing your cool when you are calm and collected and loving and even playful, whatever you want. If it seems impossible right now, that just means this is something that you definitely have the capacity to work on. If you want to come join me inside the membership and I will help you with this. I’ll see you next week, my friend. Take care.

Thank you for being here and listening Now, head on over to Mom On Purpose.com/coaching to learn more about the Mom On Purpose Membership, where we take all of this work to the next level.