Being a calm mom in today’s motherhood is challenging because of the demands and pressure to do it all.
If you struggle to be calm, it’s not your fault! It’s quite normal and due to the way the brain works in addition to the way we’ve all been raised.
Through applying psychology theory via coaching tools you can become a calm mom even in the hardest situations. I’ve done it myself, helped hundreds of clients do it, and the process below is what I recommend.
Listen to this podcast next: Calm Down Podcast.
How To Be A Calm Mom: 7 Step Process
The seven steps below will help you calm your mind when you’re feeling your most triggered. Whether it’s from being overstimulated, from your kids fighting, from work, or from something else—this process applies to all situations in modern motherhood that you want to create calm in.
1. Change your identity.
Instead of identifying as an “angry mom” or an “overwhelmed mom” or an “irritated mom” or a “frustrated mom” add the word feeling to separate out the feeling from who you are.
You are not an angry mom, you are a mom who feels angry. Your anger is valid. Yet, it’s not who you are.
The same is true for all other emotions. They’re how you FEEL, not who you are.
The next time you feel overwhelmed, or any other emotion, add the word feel. Say, “I FEEL overwhelmed” and then add in “but that’s not who I am.”
You can take it a step further and add in, “I’m becoming a calm mom.” When you believe you’re a certain way, that is what you’ll create more of. Your identity is up for grabs. If you decide to believe you are a calm person, you’ll create more clam by looking for ways to calm down.
2. Validate your feelings.
When you feel triggered, validate how you feel. Your feelings are valid! Tell yourself that. This is a way to see yourself and give yourself respect.
When you feel stressed, that is valid. When you feel angry, that is valid.
Don’t look for your spouse or kids to validate you. (They rarely do, and when they do it’s not in a way that’s helpful!)
Validate yourself. Tell yourself, “my feelings are valid.”
This works wonders for calming down because it makes you feel less alone in your feelings. As humans we want to feel like our experience is shared; like we’re not alone.
3. Name the emotion.
Say the name of the feeling you’re experiencing. Emotions are always one word—happy, sad, mad, excited, angry, etc.
Naming this emotion creates control. You’ll feel more in control when you name the feeling you’re experiencing.
Say, “this is [feeling]” or “I’m feeling [emotion].” For example, you might say, “I’m feeling frustrated” or “I’m feeling irritated” etc.
Labeling has the impact of decreasing the power the situation has over you. You’ll feel more equipped to navigate the challenge when you label the feeling.
4. Breathe.
This advice is over-used but for good reason—it works! Take a deep breath in the moment to calm down your nervous system.
The key with this step is to notice your breathing. Watch it. Pay attention to it. This will naturally calm your nervous system.
Inside The Mom On Purpose Membership there’s a course on how to process feelings that walks you through how do this specifically.
5. Stay in your body.
Focus on how the feeling FEELS in your body. I realize this is a little obscure, but it works wonders, so go with me here. Focus on the location of the feeling as well as how you’re experiencing it. What’s happening in your body? What does it feel like? What color would you describe it as? The more your attention is on your body, the better.
Why? Because otherwise your brain is going to overthink, spiral, and really focus on the problem in a way that isn’t helpful. Fear takes over and the rational, calm part of the brain can’t be accessed. So, until you get calm, avoid overthinking by focusing inward on your body.
6. Identify the thought.
Thoughts create feelings. The reason you feel any emotion is because of the meaning you’re giving to the circumstance. You’re NOT feeling how you’re feeling because of the actual thing that happened (the facts). You’re feeling that way because of your interpretation of the facts. This doesn’t mean you should think differently. It doesn’t mean it’s your fault. Feelings aren’t “bad” and you’re not bad for feeling how you’re feeling.
All that is to say, try not to judge yourself for feeling how you’re feeling. Instead, get curious about yourself.
What is it that you’re thinking that’s creating the feeling you’re feeling? If you’re feeling overwhelmed, what is the thought causing the overwhelm? For example, it might be, “this is too much for me to handle.”
Once you know the thought you have awareness of what’s causing you so much pain. This—again—does not mean it’s bad, or wrong, or your fault. It’s just useful! This way, you can change it if you want to.
7. Choose your next thought intentionally.
You’re not responsible for your first thought (that is the thought that comes from your primitive, autopilot brain). But you are responsible for what you think after that.
Decide on purpose how you want to think in a way that is helpful for you to navigate the situation you’re going through.
To get started with having a more helpful mindset, get 10 mindset swaps here: Mindset Swaps Download.
A Final Note
You can become the calm mom you want to be—that you more than deserve to be. It’s not mysterious or complicated. It’s just practice! I promise.
For more tools on becoming calm check out this podcast and the Mom On Purpose Membership.
