Good Girl Syndrome: Why It Makes Motherhood And Marriage Harder (And How to Fix It)

Welcome to Mom On Purpose, where it’s all about helping moms overcome challenges and live their best lives. My hope is by being here, you are more inspired to become the mom you are made to be. I’m Natalie, your host, a wife, boy, mom, dog, mama, Chicagoan, and former lawyer turned professionally certified coach. If you’re here to grow, I can help. Let’s go.

Hello, my beautiful friends. I’m so excited to be here with you today talking about what is good girl syndrome and why it makes motherhood and marriage so much harder and what you can do about it. Do you know what Good Girl syndrome is? Have you heard of this? It is not an official psychological term, it’s more of a cultural concept. You may have heard it on social media or in a self-help or personal development book. It’s definitely something that is widely talked about I think now, and it’s something that I want to bring up here because it’s so important to the work that we do at Mom On Purpose.

It addresses people pleasing and perfectionism and how we view ourselves in our relationships and as moms. And that my friends is my jam. It really is so much of what I teach inside the new Perfectionism mini course, which by the way, if you have not gotten your hands on, you absolutely must.It’s at a really low price. It’s a way for you to dive into this work, kind of binge it, hear my story on how I overcame perfectionism and all of the goodness that came from that. If you want more information or to get that, all you have to do is go to momonpurpose.com/minicourse and that’s all one word, just minicourse. And you will get to read on that sales page exactly what I teach in there, but also more about my story. And I think that could be really helpful if you are someone who struggles with good girl syndrome.

I’m obviously going to give you tools on this podcast, but that is definitely the next best step. So many students have already told me from that class they love it and it’s been so helpful for just being more intentional and present and calm and joyful in their lives, in motherhood and in their marriages. So I definitely recommend that as an add-on to this podcast. So let’s dive in to what Good Girl syndrome is like, what am I even talking about? It’s the belief that your worth is tied to being nice, being agreeable, being selfless and pleasing others even at your own expense. And it comes from childhood and conditioning. We are taught to be good girls. We are told repeatedly, you are good. You are a good girl. Oh, you did that. Good job. Like everything is good, good, good. And I think as women, we particularly are told this, I do think that like all kids to some extent are told they’re good for performative things.

And I try really hard not to do that in my parenting because of this, because it leads to people pleasing and the idea that love is conditional based upon doing something. That’s what kids pick up from that. But it is so ingrained in our culture. I mean, it is pervasive and I want to talk about it from the perspective of the impact that it has on us as women, as moms, as wives, and how we can change that for ourselves. And then of course, the ripple effect on our marriages and in our families. When you are in good girl syndrome and you tie your worth to being nice, being agreeable, being selfless, being pleasing to others, it will lead to over apologizing. It will lead to perfectionism, it will lead to a fear of disappointing others. It will lead to difficulty setting boundaries. It will lead to people pleasing saying yes, when really it’s a no for you internally.

And I think that it’s so hard to get out of without these tools because you also have the primitive brain working against you here. The primitive brain really prioritizes being included in the pack because evolutionarily exclusion meant death. So it was really important for you to compare yourself to others to make sure that you could provide, that you could fill in the gaps of, you know, cooking or shelter or hunting or whatever it was so that you were valuable and you were included. And because that part of the brain still exists and is with us today, it manifests in ways that are entirely unhelpful because exclusion from the group today does not mean death. It doesn’t even mean harm. It might mean you don’t have some friendships anymore, but it certainly does not mean death or harm in any way that your brain makes it feel like would happen if you were actually excluded.

So I think that because the human brain is naturally wired to seek inclusion and to um, want to be a part of the pack. And then on top of that, we have the social good girl conditioning where we are taught that we are good if we perform in a certain way. All of that combined leads to us being adults, women who really struggle with saying no, having our own wants and desires, taking care of ourselves, you know, not agreeing, disagreeing, being selfish in a way that’s taking care of you, not in a way that’s malicious or at someone else’s expense, but it’s in a way that’s for your benefit and how we view that as wrong, right? If you think of like the typical stereotype, amazing mom, she’s doing so much for others and she’s taking care of her family 24/7 and she still looks flawless and has lots of energy and it’s like, oh, that’s so interesting that we have created this narrative around women like depleting themselves and taking care of others and being pleasing to others and being agreeable.

And I think that at least now we know what it is. There’s research out there, we’re talking about it. I’m talking about it on this podcast, and I have real practical, applicable tools that can help you with this and it will change your life forever. It is amazing because you will struggle in your marriages and in motherhood, in momming, when you are stuck in good girl syndrome. It’s impossible not to because if you tie your worth to pleasing others, to being selfless, to being nice, to being agreeable, you can’t do the hard things that are required in motherhood and in marriage. You know, in motherhood it sounds like trying to be the perfect mom, always patient, always putting your kids first, never taking a break. And when you do or when you, you know, have a dinner with girlfriends or when you do something and your kids are upset, you take on mom guilt when it’s not in out of alignment with your values.

So mom guilt isn’t appropriate there, but you still feel guilty because it’s intolerable for you to see that your kids are disappointed. And I’m not suggesting at all that we want to be happy. Our kids are disappointed, but it’s a completely different thing to take on those emotions and then make it mean that you’re failing as a mom because they’re disappointed. Instead, it’s, oh yeah, they’re feeling disappointed, I get that. I get that they don’t like to see mommy leave. And I can create some secure attachment type of routines to help with that and feel confident and loving and secure and leave. It’s a very different experience when you clean up good girl syndrome. But on default, I think for all of us, it’s to be a good mom means being selfless to ensure that our kids are happy. And I think that is one of the most toxic, worst types of parenting advice is I just want to make my kids happy.

For so many reasons, and this is not an episode on that, but I do think that that is an extension of good girl syndrome because if you’re taught to be agreeable, to be selfless, to make sure that others are pleased by you, then it follows that that would include your kids. And it makes motherhood so much more exhausting. And I think that is part of why we get into mommy martyrdom and why we feel like victims of motherhood and like we can’t have fun and lighten up and be playful and just enjoy ourselves and enjoy parenting even in the hard moments. Because if our kids aren’t happy and we’re making that mean that we’re bad, that we are not good, then there’s no space for that. Because if you have even one child who has been alive for more than a day, you know that they are not going to be happy all of the time and they’re not supposed to be.

And so it just makes no logical sense to define being a good mom based on that, based on their happiness. So notice how good girl syndrome shows up in motherhood. Notice how it shows up in your marriage. Do you think that you have to be pleasing all of the time to your spouse? I was just coaching on this inside the Mom On Purpose Membership, and the client was saying, you know, I want to have more alone time to rejuvenate and to feel connected to myself. I just am someone who enjoys some alone time and my husband doesn’t. And for her to just own that, that’s what she wants, and to not go into people pleasing mode, even though she loves her husband, she loves her family, she just has this different desire, it just felt so wrong to her. And that my friends is good girl syndrome.

It shows up in these little ways that bleed into everything. And our relationships are what matter most, and your closest relationships are what matter most. And so if you are struggling with this in motherhood and in your marriage, that’s going to have such a negative impact on your life, right? Because you’re constantly going to be thinking, I’m doing it wrong. I feel so bad I shouldn’t be wanting time for myself, let alone actually, you know, saying, I’m going to take some time for myself that’s very selfish in a bad way. And we end up creating this narrative around our current actions that just reinforces good girl syndrome. It reinforces the belief that if I am not pleasing to others, then I am somehow bad that I am good and my worth, my goodness is contingent upon making other people happy. And it is no way to live my friends.

It is crazy how pervasive this is for women. Notice in motherhood and notice in your marriage where you are falling into the people pleasing trap, the trap of tying your goodness to outcomes that aren’t yours to own. For example, your kids’ happiness or their grades, or I don’t know how clean your kitchen is, whenever you tie some outcome to your goodness, you set yourself up for failure. Now, I want you to support your kids in their academic careers. I want you to have a clean kitchen, if you want to have a clean kitchen. The problem is not those activities. The problem is when you tie your goodness to those activities, like I’m only a good mom if my kids are in excelling in school, I’m only a good mom if I tidy up the kitchen every single night. It’s just total bs. So you gotta watch your thoughts.

This can also show up as conflict avoidance. Maybe when your spouse is upset about something, you just kind of ignore it or you say it’s fine When it’s really not fine because you don’t want to seem difficult, you don’t want to bring things up, you want to be more agreeable, you might struggle to express your experience and what’s going on for you because you don’t think that’s what you should do, what a good wife would do. The problem with all of this is then of course, resentment’s going to build over time. The more that you assert yourself, the more that you confidently express what’s going on for you, the less resentment will be present. And I, I hesitate to say that if you are not in the Mom On Purpose Membership, because if you take action and talk with your spouse from a really messy mindset where you are blaming your spouse for your emotions, that’s not what I’m suggesting, that’s going to lead to more problems as well.

So it’s not that you assert your needs and say like you’re blaming your spouse. That’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about expressing your experience. Like what’s it like for you to be in this marriage? And more specifically, what’s it like for you to be taking care of all the things you’re taking care of or whatever it is. Like, think of your spouse as your teammate. And when you communicate in that way and you do share what’s going on for you, it requires vulnerability and warmth and connection. And that is, is a way for you to see yourself and respect yourself and show up in your marriage. And I do think it requires overcoming good girl syndrome. If it’s not obvious already, from what I’ve said so far, good girl syndrome creates so much people pleasing, this is why I do not say good job, or that was so good, or you’re a good boy to my sons.

Because when they think that they did something good, they will conflate that with their goodness and make it mean that in order for their mom, me to see them as good, they have to perform good. And that creates this sense of people pleasing, like, I want to do good. So my mom likes me, basically, I want to do good. So I hear good job from my mom. And I think with girls and just our generation that was raised, I think we grew up where good girl, good boy was just all we heard with respect to parenting. And that was just the model that was used. It’s not a knock on our parents, it’s just that the psychology tools have evolved, the parenting knowledge has evolved, the research has evolved, and now we know more. And so we do it differently. And what I think is important to notice here is the link between good girl syndrome and people pleasing. If you feel responsible for how other people feel, then you will really struggle to say no. If you think that you create other people’s disappointment or frustration or negative emotion, then you will want to be agreeable to them in order to “make them happy”.

So you might just say yes automatically, even when you don’t want to, because saying no feels selfish or rude or mean or wrong, even like the right thing to do. Or I should say yes. So you suppress your true opinions, needs or desires to avoid disappointing others. And then this gets amplified and your self-worth gets tied to external validation. If others are happy with you, then you feel like you’re doing a good job. I think people pleasing is just good girl syndrome in action. It’s prioritizing everyone else’s needs over your own. Let’s take an example. Let’s say that your in-laws would like you to switch holiday plans to accommodate their schedule. And you agree almost instantly, but then you think about why you agreed and you realize the only reason you agreed to it is because you didn’t want to seem difficult. And the more you think about this, the more frustrated you feel.

And then you probably end up blaming them. You go back and forth between blaming them or blaming yourself. You blame yourself for not speaking up and not saying no, but then you blame them for, you know, always wanting to switch plans or thinking that it’s that easy to switch plans. Either way, it’s not helpful. You’re not taking responsibility for your thoughts and your feelings and noticing that what’s creating the people pleasing is your discomfort with what they might think about you. Because the truth is, they could think that you are difficult. They could think anything they want. And I think that’s where the real coaching work comes into play. That’s where I can really help you because you, you have to be okay with other people’s feelings, other people thinking and feeling however they want.

And you can, it’s, it’s actually very easy to do, but it takes some practice. It’s kind of like learning how to do a handstand and yoga. You gotta practice it. It’s not complicated. Like when I watch a video of someone doing a handstand, I’m not wondering, oh my goodness, how in the world could they figure that out? Like I, I understand it. It seems very simple actually, but I have no doubt that I cannot do one right now. So I would need to practice for my body to get strong enough and used to that. And the same is true for this work for you to get comfortable with other people feeling their feelings and thinking thoughts that might be negative about you, and letting them think and feel that way without you being controlling doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but you don’t want to be emotionally impacted by that in a negative way such that you are pleasing them but not pleasing yourself.

Right? It’s their job to take care of their emotions, and it’s your job to take care of yours. Now, please don’t interpret that to mean you shouldn’t care about other people and what they think and feel. Of course you should care, but I think you should care more about what’s true for you. Now, you can get to a place of saying, an empowered yes, but you, sort of have to go to the no first. So stick with me here. If you say yes from people pleasing, it creates resentment and frustration and it’s dishonest, right? The next step in the growth phase is getting comfortable saying no, that’s the truth for you. The truth is a no. It can be a very loving, connected, no, no. The next step of growth is actually I want to be the daughter-in-law who says yes, even though it’s hard for me to do that, I’m going to, and it’s not from people pleasing, it’s genuinely from generosity.

But I do think that there’s a phase of getting out of people pleasing and getting com more comfortable saying no before you can even consider that there might be some instances where you just want to say yes because that’s who you want to be, but both are available to you. So just because it’s an internal no for you doesn’t actually mean that you have to say no. But if you say yes, it can’t be from resentment. It needs to be from feeling empowered. So it’s either a no, an honest, genuine no, a loving no or a yes. That’s a very empowered, I think that when you start noticing good girl syndrome and noticing the thoughts and the language that you use around goodness and your goodness and disappointing others and your discomfort with saying no, you will be shocked at how pervasive it is in motherhood with your kids in your home, in your marriage.

And I love that because it’s an opportunity for you to utilize these tools and get better at brain management. And you absolutely can. Because I think the cost is really high here for good girl syndrome. I think it leads to burnout. I think it leads to resentment. I think it leads to a loss of identity. This is what comes up when I coach moms on their kids all leaving the home. We have a ton of empty nesters inside the Mom On Purpose Membership, and there can be a really big transition. And this sense of losing an identity and not feeling even sure who you are anymore, because the labels and the titles and the identities that you have been living under exclusively have been good mom or good wife. And it’s not that you can’t still have those and keep those, but what about you? You just for you, the woman, you, and there’s a ton of identity work that you can do here. And I think that overcoming good girl syndrome is a huge part of it.

Okay, now I want to shift into some practical tips, advice, strategies, tools that you can utilize to overcome good girl syndrome. Number one is to shift from good to honest and more practically instead of what will make, fill in the blank happy. Like what will make my spouse happy? What will make my kids happy? What will make my in-laws happy? Start pausing and asking yourself what’s true for me? If you’re not ready to stop people pleasing, I don’t even think you have to go so far as to tell them your truth or actually say no. But if you pause and you just have a moment to yourself to acknowledge what’s true for you, that is a step, my friend, because you’re not so outwardly focused, you’re shifting it to be more inward focused, and that’s what this is all about.

Number two, work on the skill of self validation. So I call this the validation gap. There’s external validation, which probably feels amazing, if you struggle with good girl syndrome, it’s getting your goodness from validation of others. And then there’s self validation. It’s you looking yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and saying, Hey, you did a great job today. You’re genuinely validating yourself there. So there’s external validation from others, and there’s internal validation, self validation that you give to yourself. The gap is what you want to work on shortening. So when someone tells you you’re doing a great job, how do you feel on a scale of one to 10, is it like a level 10 when someone tells you you’re doing a really great job? Compare that to how you feel when you tell yourself you’re doing a great job. Is it a level one?

The work of self validation is to intentionally shorten that gap. I don’t even think you have to get to where it’s perfect. I think just by the way that our brains are designed, external validation is always going to feel good, but you can shorten that gap so that you get a lot of self validation and you’re less dependent and reliant on external validation, and you can practice that as a skill. The third tool is to practice assertiveness, practice it specifically in your marriage, in the hardest relationships. But being assertive isn’t about defending yourself. It’s not about being aggressive, it’s about what’s true for you and sharing that. So for example, instead of hoping that your spouse notices that you need help out of the moment, you have a conversation with him and you say, Hey, I have been feeling really depleted at bedtime. It’s been really hard for me, and I’m wondering if you can help me.

I need to carve out some time for me to recharge, and I would love your help at bedtime so that after bedtime I have more time, or whatever it is, you know, I’m just making up whatever it is. But the key is that you’re viewing your spouse as a partner. You’re on the same team. That’s the mindset. It doesn’t mean you always agree. It means you have the mindset we’re on the same team, and you know, you’re not snapping at him in the moment at bedtime. That’s where that resentment comes from, and the snapping comes from that feeling. But instead out of the moment, you are asserting yourself. You are confidently expressing what’s going on for you and having a real conversation with your spouse out of the moment.

The last tool that I want to leave you with is my favorite. It is reframing your self worth beyond others’ opinions. Your worth isn’t tied to how much you do, it’s not tied to how much you do for others. It’s not tied to how nice you are. It’s not tied to whether other people approve of your choices. It’s not tied to your kids’ happiness or their grades. It’s not tied to how clean your home is. You are not any of these things. Your goodness is not dependent on them. When you truly start believing this, and again, this is what I teach over in that Perfectionism mini course that you can get over at momonpurpose.com/minicourse. It’s so important to work on this because when you start believing this, you will no longer feel the need to prove yourself. You will no longer over give, you will no longer shrink your needs. You will feel comfortable wanting and desiring and taking up space. I did work on this years ago, like I love taking up space.

It’s awesome. Do you take up space? Do you feel comfortable taking up space? It’s just interesting to think about. We’ve been taught to suppress our needs and our wants, and that can come out in really triggering ways in our own parenting, for example. So if you get frustrated that your kids want something and you feel really triggered by them wanting things all of the time, it very likely comes from good girl syndrome because you were taught not to want so many things and to be grateful and to, you know, well-intended concepts that were delivered in a way that perpetuated good girl syndrome. So definitely recommend doing this work on overcoming good girl syndrome so that you enjoy your life better so that it feels lighter so that you create the life that you genuinely want. I think sometimes we say that and we’re like, okay, what does that mean?

Am I like, you know, in the best shape of my life and winning the lottery? It’s like, no, it’s doing what you want to be doing. And if that means that you’re going to spend more alone time to refuel and to fill your cup, even if your spouse feels disappointed by that, that’s okay. And you can still have a loving, connected marriage and take care of yourself and your needs. And I think that’s the point. I, I love this work because it allows us, there’s so much amazing personal development work to do in motherhood and in marriages to overcome ourselves and to evolve and grow to create the exact life that we want. I have so much fun doing this work. I don’t know about you, but, it’s a good time for me. So with that, I want to thank you for being here so much and I’ll talk with you next week. Take care.

Thank you for being here and listening. Now, head on over to momonpurpose.com/coaching to learn more about the Mom On Purpose Membership, where we take all of this work to the next level.