Back To School Transitions To Help Your Child Succeed Emotionally And Academically

Welcome to Mom On Purpose, where it’s all about helping moms overcome challenges and live their best lives. My hope is by being here, you are more inspired to become the mom you are made to be. I’m Natalie, your host, a wife, boy, mom, dog mama, Chicagoan, and former lawyer turned professionally certified coach. If you’re here to grow, I can help. Let’s go.

Welcome to the podcast my friends. Today we are talking about back to School transitions to help your child succeed both emotionally and academically. I don’t know about you, but this time of year always feels like a second new year to me. It’s like the start of the school year, even when I haven’t been in school, even when my kids haven’t been in school, I’ve still view this as second New Years, that new beginning. And I think that for many of us it just stems from our own education.

And I think when you view it that way, it’s always felt like a transition. And so I’ve done a ton of work on transitions and back to school transitions myself and I have also coached thousands of moms on this. This always comes up in my private coaching containers as well. Inside the Mom On Purpose Membership this time of year, back to school season and transitions and everything that comes with this transition that we touch on, including, you know, how to handle the transition in the best way that you can, how to move through it confidently and in a way where you feel connected and positive and empowered while also still navigating any challenges that may be present. Whether it’s just the challenge of the transition and or in addition the challenges of you know, your kids or anything else you have going on in your personal life.

Maybe you moved so it’s a new city. Or maybe your kid has a diagnosis or they’re struggling with friends or they’re nervous and anxious and all the things that can be layered on top of what is already a really big transition. It’s probably the biggest transition that we have every single year. And this year my son will be going to school as well. And so I’m navigating that transition alongside you. My process for transitions hasn’t changed dramatically, but I continue to tweak it like I do all of my tools and practices. So I really want to encourage you to take notes. This might be a saver. And then also of course come inside the membership or a private coaching so that I can really help you if this is something that you are struggling with because it does always repeat, right? It’s like Christmas comes every year back to school, comes every year.

And I think that if you can really nail down the skill of navigating transitions, it’s not that all of a sudden there are no challenges, but it is such that you feel so much more empowered and equipped to navigate those challenges. So we’ll talk specifically about what I mean by that practically. And then I thought the most helpful way to go through this podcast would be in 10 main points. So we’re just going to jump right in to number one. Transitions are hard for the brain. Even when they are good, the brain resists change. Makes sense, right? Your brain loves the path of least resistance. It loves doing what it’s always done because that is a cue to your brain that if you keep doing more of what you’ve always done, you’re going to survive. So it doesn’t like change. It doesn’t like to “get outside your comfort zone”.

Even positive, exciting, happy transitions, potentially like starting school, create kind of a freak out for your brain. There’s some internal resistance because it breaks a familiar pattern. This goes for you as the parent, this goes for your kids as well. I always like to say expect resistance in the transition. And I think by doing this, this just normalizes that. Even if it’s something that you’re all happy about, which I know isn’t always the case, but let’s just say that it is something you’re all happy about. Still expect resistance in that transition. It’s the same thing I say for other transitions as well. It’s like going on vacation, coming home from vacation, whatever it is. Maybe there’s a cadence to your work week and you know, whenever that changes, like there’s a transition there, expect resistance in the transition and normalize that and then it’s not such a problem.

So how does this present and especially how does it present with respect to back to school? Well, you may notice that your child is a little bit more clingy or more “defiant” or just kind of off and you may be feeling the same way. So think of back to school, yes, positively as we often do on default and want to, but I think also make space for the messiness of the emotions. I think because we think of this as something that’s positive, we expect, you know, best behavior and the excitement and all of the good things, but we forget that oh yeah, this is a transition. And sometimes because we’re not expecting things to be off or our kids to behave differently or maybe be more needy or clingy or whatever it is, sometimes we interpret that as something being wrong. And you’ve probably seen this anytime your child or kids have started anything new. Not always, but sometimes, right? It’s like when my son started, you know, swim or soccer, it’s just thinking about those being transitions as well. Sometimes to this day, you know, he really doesn’t want to go to one of his activities and I just know, okay, this is the transition and I’m like, we gotta move fast, we gotta keep things moving along. Like I know that the buildup is so much worse, than when he actually gets there. He is totally fine. And now I know that that’s not the case for everything and for everyone. So it depends on a lot of factors. But if I didn’t understand what was happening, then it would be so much harder. I would probably be interpreting it as something is wrong. So if things feel off if your child seems off or just a little bit different, that’s okay. That doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong.

So just normalize the discomfort. Expect resistance in the transition. It depends on the age of your child and whether it’s appropriate or not. But you may even say this is a transition, we’re learning how to do something new and this is why it feels hard. Sometimes I sprinkle in the this is why it feels hard or it’s okay that you don’t want to go, you still have to go kind of mantras. I don’t often talk about a transition yet just ’cause my kids are so little, but I do think it’d be helpful, depending on the age of your kids. Point number two that I want to talk about here is separation anxiety. So I’m obsessed with attachment theory and I think that when we’re talking about sending our kids to school, it’s so important to understand attachment at least like on a basic level. So for survival purposes, quite obviously kids need to be wired to strongly attach to their caregivers because literally from the day they’re born, they’re 100% dependent on them.

They would die if they were not taken care of by their caregivers. So children are wired to attach. So when they protest any sort of separation, that’s where it’s coming from. It’s coming from them having big feelings around separation, around losing that attachment. They don’t have the prefrontal brain power to understand, oh, this is just for a few hours, or oh, this is for X amount of time and you’re actually going into a space with another attachment figure. So this isn’t necessarily a problem to fix in so far as I don’t suggest trying to get them to be happy about it. But I do think that when you’re thinking, why is my child still crying at drop off? Or is this my fault or am I doing something wrong? That is counterproductive. And so we gotta get you to a place of confidence so that your child isn’t absorbing your self doubt and your anxious energy, which I think can amplify the problem for them if you can approach it with confidence and also being really receptive to them and validating their feelings and doing what you can from an attachment standpoint to make sure that they are securely attached, you know, which I’m assuming is the case, especially for younger kids, then you can feel confident about it even though they’re having big feelings about it.

And it’s okay. It’s okay to, have kids who are feeling sad. One line that I love to say is, “it’s okay to miss me. Mommy always comes back, I know you are safe here.” Things like that where you can strengthen the attachment through your words and really give them powerful, you know, thoughts and beliefs because kids don’t know that it seems so obvious to us. I’ll never forget, one of my girlfriends said that her nephew at drop off, I think it was at pickup at preschool one day, this was a, you know, a couple years ago now, said to her sister, my friend’s sister, “mommy, you came back”. You know, and it was kind of funny. It’s like, oh yeah, kids don’t know that you’re coming back. I mean, they know it to some extent, but they don’t know it to some extent, not in the way that we know it, right?

They don’t understand time. It’s like talking to my kids about tomorrow and next week and you know, my son’s just sort of like talking about weekdays and weekends now and and he sort of understands it now, but I guess my point is that they don’t have the same perception and the same view that we have, and that’s okay. The goal is not to get them to, because developmentally they couldn’t. So what you can do is stay grounded and calm and confident and you can acknowledge their feelings. Maybe they’re feeling anxious if it’s, you know, separation anxiety without feeding into it. It’s like, it’s okay for you to feel anxious, mommy’s not anxious. Now you might not say those exact words, right? For me, it sort of sounds like it’s okay for you to miss me. I want you to know Mommy always comes back and I know you’re safe here.

You know, they have other sorts of actions that you can take all over the internet about, you know, little bracelets or, some sort of handshake or special sort of routine that creates like a familiar pattern at drop off. You know, I usually just hug and kiss my kids goodbye and I just make sure that it’s a confident goodbye. I, I think that that’s the most important thing because if your kids are upset and then you are upset that they’re upset or you are questioning yourself because they’re upset, then they’re really going to be thinking, oh, maybe this is a reason to really be upset. So now they’re going to be even more upset. And of course it doesn’t mean you’re like super happy that they’re upset, but if you can still hold steady in your own confidence and know that it’s like a developmental sign.

And of course, you know, there’s a spectrum even with kids in the same family. My, you know, I, I have three boys obviously, and they all sort of attach differently and just because I pay attention to the micro nuances, it’s so interesting to me. And sleep is another example of this. Obviously this isn’t a sleep episode, but sleep is all about separation. And as a mom and as someone who now has three boys who were born, you know, within three years who are all very different, I have evolved and changed my ideas and thoughts about sleep because of the work that I have done on separation. So if you are interested in like more on that, I definitely recommend just studying reading books on content, on attachment theory. It’s, been pretty life-changing for me and ultimately it’s given me so much more confidence and understanding about what’s going on. Because what I was saying is that, you know, my kids have different levels of anxiety with respect to separation and you know, one of them is much more anxious at separation and one is not. And the other one is more on the not as much side either, but they all, it, all of them have the separation anxiety manifest differently. And then of course, you know how much and to what extent it’s unique to each child. And so normalizing it and also staying confident for your sake, but also for your child’s sake and kind of noticing any thoughts like, why is my child still crying? Is this my fault and kind of spiraling or getting into mom guilt or over accommodating or panicking. Just notice any of that because it’s not going to be helpful.

Okay, number three, create predictable routines to build safety and confidence. I was just sort of talking about this in number two, but this is actually kinda the action step that I want to recommend. I think it’s very common to just wing it at dropoff or over talk the goodbye. And I think that this can actually make kids feel less secure and safe, not more. So very simply, what you can do is just create some structure that communicates safety and calm to the nervous system, particularly in those transition moments of separation. So like a very clear short goodbye with any sort of ritual that you want to do, I think could be helpful. Again, you know, I usually say a few words or a few mantras, a hug and a kiss, and that’s all we do. But I know, and I’ve heard lots of people using more specific types of handshakes or stickers or, you know, anything like that that, you can pass off as well. I think, the main point I want to make here is the importance of having a predictable goodbye routine that really creates this sense of, safety and confidence for, for your kids.

Number four is any type of previewing ahead of time can create familiarity. And familiarity lowers fear, right? If you remember back up to number one talking about how the brain resists change because it’s unknown and what is unknown feels dangerous to your brain. Your brain really wants to know things and predict things and feel in control of things because that equals survival. And so if you understand this, you can accommodate that by creating situations that build familiarity. Familiarity is knowing. So if your kids know nothing about school, they’ve never even driven past the school or gone into the school or anything and you know it’s first day and they’re taking on something brand new.

And also of course considering how they’re wired for attachments. So it will vary. It’s just going to be a lot harder than if they toured the building, if they’ve met the teacher, if you know they’ve put a picture of the teacher on the refrigerator. Or if you’ve done any sort of other preparation to just create some familiarity. Now this is an action and yes, I think it’s helpful, but what can be sort of challenging here with my work is that yes, I want to give you actions that are helpful, but also I don’t want you to use them as a way to make sure your child is feeling happy and positive. I want you to use them as a way for you to say, okay, this is the mom I want to be and this is how I want to show up. I want to build familiarity to the extent that I can because it could potentially lower my child’s fear and just help and you know, I want to be helpful in this way and I think that it would be helpful, so I’m going to do it.

And when you do it, the measure of did I do a good job needs to be, did you create the familiarity? Not is my child happy? So that’s just what I want to emphasize here is like, don’t use these tools as a way for you to try to control your kids’ emotions. They still might be afraid, they still might be anxious, that’s okay, that doesn’t mean you’re doing a bad job. That said, I think that why not have these tools? You just want to make sure that you’re using them to, be the mom you want to be, not to try to control your kids’ feelings. Number five is to pay attention to your feelings more than your words. I hear you. You want to know exactly what to say to your kids, you want to make sure you say the right things, you want to get it down perfectly and you want it to be a positive transition into the school year.

What I can tell you for sure is that it’s so much more about how you say what you say. We’ve all heard that phrase. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. Well, guess what? How you say it comes from how you feel. So your energy, your feelings will teach your kids so much more than your actual words. Kids, and it’s actually not just kids, it’s all humans are so receptive from a survival standpoint. We sort of have to be. And it has nothing to do with intelligence. Like most people are just very, very good at picking up on cues of how other people are feeling. So your kids will pick up on how you feel and just think about growing up as a kid and think about your parents like you kind of knew how they felt. You were certainly never going to talk with them about their feelings.

If you’re anything like me, however, like I know pretty much how my parents were feeling and I knew then. And so kids don’t just listen to what you say, they pick up on how you’re feeling. So if you are full of self-doubt, if you are feeling really anxious or uncertain, they’re going to pick up on that. Now I am again, not suggesting you have to be happy all of the time and this sort of, robot mom. So please don’t use this against yourself either. But you want to be honest and open and do your own thought work and emotion work so that you can show up feeling how you want to feel. So for example, if you’re like, everything is great, it’s going to be a great day, I’m so excited for you, but your tone is, I’m really freaking out on the inside. That mismatch confuses your kids and it will make them feel unsafe.

They won’t say that of course, but their nervous system is going to pick up on what my mom is saying is not matching what she’s feeling. Something is off, something’s not right here. And so you want to just notice that it would be much better for them and for you and for your relationship if, if you’re actually feeling anxious or any other negative emotion if you were honest about that. So for example, in my home, if I am feeling frustrated in a hypothetical, very not real example, just kidding, but I will say when I’m feeling frustrated is mommy’s just feeling frustrated right now. It’s okay to feel frustrated and you don’t need to feel frustrated just because mommy’s frustrated. And so what I’m doing there is I’m normalizing that I’m feeling frustrated and I’m also creating some separation. I don’t want them to think that because I’m feeling frustrated all of a sudden they should feel frustrated.

So I make it like a clear separation and I’m also open about it. And I’m not going to say, oh no, mommy’s really happy, but you know, I’m like seething or, or something I just like yelled or whatever it is. Like I’m clearly frustrated. That’s that mismatch. And so notice what you say and, and kind of the emotion driving what you’re saying. And then of course outside of just being honest and communicating honestly to the extent that you can, you know, manage your nervous system, calm down, get into a confident state, particularly around transitions, or at least say, “You know what? This transition is hard for mommy and that’s okay. I can do hard things. I’m working on it too.” Like they will know what’s going on even though they won’t be able to pick up on it. I’m just thinking back to being a kid, and this is so true, I could always tell kind of like what was going on, even though I wouldn’t developmentally been able to articulate it.

Like I knew when something was off with either of my parents. And again, I would’ve never said, “something’s a mismatch, I feel unsafe”. But you can think about that for yourself, right? You know now, and you probably knew then when someone would say something, but the feeling underneath didn’t match. And that mismatch creates this idea, this sense of like something’s unsafe, something’s off for them. So just make sure you’re managing your own thoughts and feelings and taking care of what’s going on internally for you, having open communication about the truth for you. And then also to the extent that you can choose emotions that you want to feel so you can show up as the mom you want to be during that transition. Number six, leadership. My friends, oh my goodness, in all of my parenting studies I have just come to love, yes, attachment theory, but also leadership. And I think it’s because my background is, you know, as an attorney and then a wealth manager and how much overlap there is with respect to being a mom and that role as a leader and with respect to, you know, showing up in my career. And it’s just kind of this parallel that I never saw coming. And so what I want to say with respect to leadership in this context in transitions is that kids really need emotional support and clear boundaries. They need you to be a calm leader because transitions are tricky and they’re tricky because of the way the brain is wired. The brain would like you to just keep doing what you’ve always done so that it feels comfortable so that it creates safety so that your brain can ensure your survival. Now we also have the other part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex that is very thoughtful and future focused and wants to do things like get outside your comfort zone and try new things.

And that means to some extent you’re going to go to school and you’re going to do new and different things and you can just think about you yourself starting something new and how scary that can feel. So there’s the compassion side and also there’s the leadership side of it. And how I like to think of it is like, I want to be very connected and warmhearted, but I also want to have some firmness because that creates some structure. So maybe you’re unfamiliar with this and you try to overcorrect, so you’re either going to be too soft, like, oh, you don’t have to go and kind of over accommodate and try to get them to like a happy place and really let their emotions take over. Or you might be too harsh, like just stop crying and go. And I think both end up leaving the child feeling unsupported. And this kind of goes into the way that I teach parenting it. I like to think of it as like a spectrum. On one end there’s like the authoritative type of parenting and the other end there’s permissive parenting, and in the middle there’s, you’re validating their feelings and you’re holding boundaries. So one of my favorite lines to say to my kids is, “you don’t have to want to go, you just have to go”.

I think a lot of times what moms do is try to get their kids to want to go. And in so doing they talk, try to talk them out of how they’re feeling and it doesn’t work. It creates this tug of war where the kid is like, they’re not saying this of course, but really what’s going on is they’re saying, “no, you’re not hearing me. I need to fight harder for my position”. You’re not hearing how big of a deal this is to me. And so all they want to do is feel seen and heard, and you still get to hold the boundary. That’s where the leadership comes in. “I know this is hard, I love you. It’s okay that you’re feeling unsure or however they’re feeling and you’re still going to school”. It’s this combination of respect and connection and validation with holding the boundary. Okay, number seven, check your home routines. Because I do think that they can directly affect school success. And I don’t mean like your kids’ grades, but I just mean the experience of school. What happens before and after school matters because routines create the rhythm that regulates your child. So if every single morning is chaotic and you have lots of inconsistent bedtimes or you know, tons of late screen time, all of that is going to make school transitions harder.

So I suggest kind of thinking about your day in chunks. We have the morning, we have school, we after school dinner and bedtime. And then like how do you want to create structure within those chunks? It, this can just be very simple, but the structure is what creates the security. And you probably already do this to some extent, but I do think it’s important point, right? If you have chaotic mornings, if you know, sometimes they’re picking out your their clothes, other times you are, sometimes the clothes are in different spots, sometimes it’s breakfast first, then changing. Sometimes there’s screen time, sometimes there’s not. Sometimes there’s home like homework, then there’s not, you know, I’m just giving you examples, but you get the gist. It’s like you want to create a cadence, some rhythms, some routines to how the mornings go. And of course, bedtime’s not going to be the exact time every night, but you know down to the minute. But is it like an 8:00 PM bedtime, a 9:00 PM bedtime? Somewhere after, in between? What is it? You just want to create routines because it will be helpful for the structure and the transition that school brings.

Number eight, really strengthen your skillset on validating emotions. I think that validating emotions is just a superpower. It is such an important skill to have as a mom. Now, validation doesn’t mean you agree with the thoughts, creating the feeling. And I think we get into trouble here because, because I know because I coach you all mom’s trying to fix, dismiss or distract from big emotions thinking their child shouldn’t be feeling this way, they should want to go or they should like their teacher or they shouldn’t be having friends problems at school or whatever it is, thinking that they’re being helpful. But it actually teaches kids to either suppress what they’re feeling.

Again, that goes back to attachment because if they think that in order to make mom happy, they can’t share what’s really going on, so they’re just going to suppress it. You know, attachment, overall authenticity every day of the week, that’s always going to be how it is. Or for some kids it’ll manifest differently and it will cause them to fight harder. It’s kinda like my kids like put their foot in the ground, like, no, you’re not hearing me, I’m going to make this so much bigger. So if you are trying to fix or dismiss or distract from any big emotions, it’s probably not working. So I suggest thinking of validating emotions as a skillset. So if you don’t have that skillset or you’re not very good at it, it’s like wanting to start playing pickleball and you’ve never played before, you’re not going to expect yourself to be amazing.

The first time you play, you’re like, no, I need to take some lessons. I’m going to go practice. I’m going to get better and better and better as I do this work. This is exactly what we do inside the Mom On Purpose Membership. There are tons of classes on validating feelings and content, and you can get coached on it and get feedback directly from me. 10 outta 10 recommend just coming in for the parenting aspect of it. So you can get help with this because emotional validation is, it truly is like a mom superpower. So think of it as something you’re going to get better at. But also, just a quick tip here for it is to just say what you see and think of your job as being to sit with them in the feeling. Don’t solve it. Now we’re talking about back to school. I’m not talking about you have to interrupt your whole morning routine and just sit there and stare at them and you know, say, oh, I see you’re feeling sad and you know, and turn it into this whole session.

That’s not what I’m saying. It’s just showing them respect. It’s, it’s having a moment where you say, you know, I see how you’re feeling. I see you’re feeling upset right now. I get it, I hear you. You don’t actually want to go to school. You’re making eye contact with them getting on their level. It’s like you are saying, I see your experience, I hear you, I see you, I get it. Number nine, connection is the anchor that will make separation possible. Separation only feels safe when there’s a strong connection to return to. This is not about quantity. You don’t need hours of time. This is about quality. It is about your presence. If you are constantly rushing, distracted, multitasking, and then all of a sudden you know it’s time to go and you’re trying to say goodbye and it just feels a little bit frantic and you’re thinking about something else or what’s going on, it’s going to be hard to have that connection anchor to separate.

And, you know, we’re not going for perfection here, but I do want to have connection be the main thing that you’re going for. Like, if you can just build in moments of connection, first of all, this is going to help your relationship with anyone, but specifically here with respect to your kids, we’re talking about back to school transitions. Connection, connection, connection. The more connected you are to your kids, the better. Now most people hear that and they think connection is something that exists outside of them. And they’ll know, they’ll be connected when their kids, you know, are being really nice to them or something. Like, it’s just not what connection is. Connection is a feeling that you experience based on your thoughts. And I cannot tell you, doing this work has been life changing for me. I feel so connected to my kids most of the time and it’s because of what I’m thinking and feeling.

And I do really think of kind of connection and relationships as the yin to the yang of productivity. Meaning they’re opposites. So you got productivity on the one hand and then you got relationships and connection on the other. And they, they don’t go together in the sense that they’re not present at the same time. So you can’t be checking things off your list and being highly productive and be in relationship mode. It’s like checking your phone or working on something for work and you know, saying that you’re connecting with your spouse. It’s like, no, that’s not how it works. Now you can be present with them and being enjoying their company. That’s not what I’m talking about. But what I am talking about is for you high achievers out there like me who love to get things done and be productive, I’m not saying don’t do that.

I love to get things done. Of course. And also prioritizing connection moments, eye contact, getting on their level, opening up to them, asking them questions, really having moments of connection without an agenda. I was just talking about this inside the membership, how well we do this with babies. There’s no agenda when you’re connecting to a baby. Like when I’m talking with Jack, I’m like, hi Jack, I love you. You look so cute. Look at your little dimples and we’re smiling and we’re giggling. And I’m like, hi. You know, and it’s, it’s connection for the sake of connection. I’m not hoping that he’s going to help me clean the kitchen in a minute. I’m not hoping that he’s going to go do a good job, at school or anything like that, right? It’s just connection to connect. Now we need to take that skill that we already have ’cause we know how to do it with babies and apply it to all of the other people in our lives.

So I think we do this best with babies and then probably it gets progressively worse. So if you think about your connection moments with adults, maybe with your spouse, is there an agenda behind it? And that’s you being in your masculine in productivity mode. So of course there’s another time to talk about all of that in other episodes. But for today, focusing on transitioning and the school year, prioritize connection, a connection moment, eye contact, a hug. I love hugs. But if you know, if your kid’s not into hug, it could just be asking questions and opening up to them or getting them to open up to you, or just having moments to yourself where you’re thinking positive thoughts that create connection in your body, in your heart. Because connection is the experience that you have and that you can create. And it really will help with transitions.

And connection doesn’t mean happy. So if you think about a girlfriend who you’re very connected to, she might call you and complain, or she might call you and say, Hey, I have this really hard thing going on and vent to you. And you are there very connected to her even though she’s struggling right now. That’s connection. That’s part of connection. It’s it’s authenticity. And can you do that with your kids? I think oftentimes we put pressure on our kids to be happy, like we think they should be happy. And that’s really just making it all about us because we think that if they’re happy, then we’re doing a good job. And so you want to make space for true connection, which includes all of the emotions. Okay? Lastly, stop measuring your success based on your child’s happiness and based on how they do their performance. Whether that’s their grades in school, whether that’s specifically how they do in this transition, whether that’s navigating their friendships or you know, them being happy, anything like that.

You don’t want to measure your success as a mom based on your child’s emotions, based on their happiness and based on how well they’re doing. Why? Because it’s totally outside of your control and it’s really unfair to them. It’s also going to create this weird dynamic of people pleasing from them that again, is going to sort of erode the, the connection and the authenticity. And so measure your success as a mom based on things you can control. Your child’s challenges, their meltdowns, their tears, their resistance to going, their fears, their anxiety are not a reflection of your worth. They’re just part of growing up. They’re part of your child’s experience. They’re apparently supposed to have that challenge right then. And that doesn’t mean that you don’t care and you don’t support them. But if you’re doing it from this place of they need to get better or stop doing this thing or feel better or do a better job so that you can feel good about being a mom.

It’s putting so much pressure on them unnecessarily. It’s really like mixing the roles. Your job is to be in your leadership as a mom, and their job is to just be a kid. And a part of that includes, you know, the tears and the meltdowns and the big feelings and the challenges and challenges that we don’t expect for our kids. And that’s just the way of it. I think this is hard because moms often internalize their child’s struggle as a sign of them doing something wrong. So if you are thinking, okay, my child is doing something wrong, which means that I did something wrong, that is a thought error. It’s just not true. And when you think that it leads to perfectionism, it leads to mom guilt, it leads to like over parenting and it gets weird and creepy and unhelpful and controlling and you make yourself miserable.

And then again, that attachment gets kind of threatened because kids pick up on that. Remember, they can kind of pick up on how you’re feeling. So if they sense that mom is uncomfortable with any sign of me being unhappy or me struggling, then they’re going to suppress that discomfort and try to people please to make sure that the attachment bond is secure. They don’t want to threaten that attachment over authenticity every day of the week. Always that kids will always choose that it’s just the way that we’re wired. Because if the attachment bond is severed at all, right, evolutionarily, that meant death. So your kids will pick up on how you’re feeling. They will sense if you are uncomfortable with them being unhappy or anxious. They will sense if you don’t like, you know, their challenges. And again, that’s not to say that you can’t help them, you absolutely can, but you want to do it from leadership, from who you want to be, not from trying to control them.

So define your own success standards. You’ve got to do this. It’s inside my Intentional Parenting course, inside the Membership in the library, 10 outta 10, recommend it. But regardless of that, you’ve got to come into the Membership so that I can coach you on this right away. You can come in there today and get coaching. You can write in to Ask A Coach, and I answer those questions. I want to support you through this journey. I know how challenging transitions can be and you know, I’m not immune from that. I have a human brain that has that primitive part just as much, but I cannot emphasize how much more manageable it is because I’m able to use these tools so that I feel so much better, so much more confident, and so much more capable when I’m going through a transition and helping my kids transition. So if you want to help your kids transition into the school year, 10 outta 10, recommend joining me inside the Membership. I’ll talk with you next week, my friends. Take care.

Thank you for being here and listening Now, head on over to momonpurpose.com/coaching to learn more about the Mom On Purpose Membership, where we take all of this work to the next level.